The Two-Line Pass

I was watching this fight between Zach Stortini and Krys Barch from yesterday’s Stars/Oilers game, and it wasn’t bad. Never mind the post-Thanksgiving miracle that is Stortini not trying to bearhug his opponent to death like King Kong Bundy.

What makes it an all-time classic is the line the announcers get out right as the fight ends. In explaining that Barch’s job — sticking up for teammates who are more or less indefensible — was one of the toughest in sports, the color commentator says, “Krys Barch’s first job was working something called ‘the anus vaccuum’ on the killfloor of a slaughterhouse.’”

I don’t think I even want to know what that means, but one suspects David Frost is involved in some way.

By the way, Krys Barch is to be known as The Anus Vacuum henceforth, obviously.

Last night during the Oilers/Avalanche game, Ian Laperriere and Zach Stortini got into a bit of a tussle over the fact that Craig MacTavish kept sending thugs like Stortini and Steve MacIntyre out there just to cause a problem.

Laperriere didn’t like Oilers coach Craig MacTavish taking a shot at him either. “He kept sending those guys out there when it was 4-1 and I don’t think it was to score goals. Cracked me up a bit. It’s kind of funny a guy who never fought, sends those guys out there.”

So Laperriere eventually dropped the gloves with Stortini and you can see the result here.

As is usually the case, Stortini wanted no part of actually trading punches (Calgary fans call him “Huggy Bear” for a reason), and Laperriere took exception to that.

“He’s (Stortini) 240 pounds and he comes after a guy like me who’s 195. I have a hard time with that. And he keeps punching when guys are down. He’ll learn, he’ll find his match,” said Laperriere, who got a counter-punch from Stortini. He also was stung by the verbal roundhouse right.

This has been the argument against Stortini almost from the time he broke into the league with Edmonton. If you’re going to fight, great, someone has to. But what Stortini does most of the time isn’t fighting so much as it is tryouts for the more romantic scenes of movies like The Notebook. For similar fights, look here, here, here, here, here, and here. And also worth noting is that I wrote all those “here”-s without actually searching out Stortini’s huggable fights. I went in knowing I could find half a dozen no problem.

Wanted to get to this in the nightly wrap, but I figured it warranted its own post.

Down 7-4 inside 20 seconds to go, Thrashers rookie defenseman Zach Bogosian finished a check against Washington’s Dave Steckel. No big deal. Then for some reason, Donald Brashear just goes after the kid. Welcome to the NHL, Zach. I guess.

Watch it here. For some reason I’m struggling to embed it.

I’m a big proponent of fighting, but this wasn’t fair and it wasn’t part of the game. It was a legit NHL heavyweight pounding trying to beat the christ out of a rookie who was just doing what he’s supposed to do.

Low-rent move by Brashear, and, according to the NHL rulebook, maybe not cool with them.

47.12 Instigator in Final Five Minutes of Regulation Time (or Anytime in Overtime) - A player or goalkeeper who is deemed to be the instigator of an altercation in the final five (5) minutes of regulation time or at any time in overtime shall be assessed an instigator minor penalty, a major penalty for fighting, and a game misconduct penalty (see 47.22).

And an “instigator” is a person that does this: “An instigator of an altercation shall be a player or goalkeeper who by his actions or demeanor demonstrates any/some of the following criteria: distance traveled; gloves off first; first punch thrown…”

Sounds about right, but Brashear only got the five-minute major and a roughing call. I guess the difference between me and an NHL ref is my inability to see why the latter doesn’t make him the instigatr.

Again, fight all you want. Have 15 fights a game. I’d love it. But this wasn’t right.

In this month’s issue of the Atlantic, there’s a story about how, since 1996, players that fight get paid  primarily to drop the gloves make more money per fight than the average playmaker does per assist, meaning that on some level, fighting is more valuable to NHL GMs than goalscoring.

By fighting, lower-skilled wing players can create scoring opportunities for more-talented centers by intimidating opposing teams and keeping their skilled defenders in the penalty box. While a player earns a “wage premium” of $10,925 when he assists on a goal, they calculated, he earns $18,135 for winning a fight and $11,993 even for losing a fight.

It also shows that fighting can indeed play a role in winning championships. There’s a lot of math involved, and frankly I don’t understand any of it, but it’s fairly interesting.

Here’s a formula that shows how this whole thing was determined: LEVELj t = β Xj t + γ Vj t + δt + αj + εj t

Exactly.

Luckily, the whole paper is only about 12 pages and then there are a lot of graphs and things of that nature for blockheads like me to go “Ohhhhhhh lines show numbers!”

I do have one problem with this study though. The people that put it together, John P. Haisken-Denew of the German Institute for the Study of Labor and Matthias Vorell of the Rhine-Westphalia Institute for Economic Research, thinks that this is a bad thing, and that the NHL should fine teams that get in fights twice the fighter’s value to “ensure that the sport values skill and finesse over ‘bad boy’ enforcers.”

Take that kind of talk outside, peaceniks. This is hockey.

More like Fedor Emalienenko

There’s a semi-famous story about how Kevin Bieksa got his job with the Vancouver Canucks. His first training camp, he was a non-roster invitee out of Bowling Green University, and it’s meal time.

Bieksa bumps the table Fedorov (the Canucks’ third-round pick that year), and things get a little heated. Fedorov, a big kid at 6-foot-3 and 230 pounds, asks Bieksa to step outside. Bieksa obliges, then KOs Fedorov with one punch.

Recalled then-Vancouver GM Brian Burke: “The next day, I’m talking to [assistant GM Steve Tambellini], and I guess Bieksa was all worried about it, saying to Tamby, “Oh, geez, I’m all done, Burkie’s going to be really pissed, I show up and knock out one of his own guys.’ I listen to Tamby and I say, ‘Are you kidding me? I love that. Sign him — today!’ “

Things haven’t gone that well for the younger of the Flying Fedorov Brothers, as he’s bounced from the AHL to Russia and back a few times. This year, he signed a one-way deal with New Jersey and on his first day of camp, he got into a scrap.

The highlight of the morning was a fight between defenseman Harry Young and Fedor Fedorov during the second session. Young and Fedorov exchanged shoves during one down-low drill and after Fedorov turned away to rejoin the play, Young gave him an extra jab with his stick in the back of he leg.

Fedorov turned back and shoved Young again and the two dropped the gloves. It was a pretty even fight, no big blows landed by either guy, but this was two pretty big guys going at it. Young, the Devils’ eighth choice, 202nd overall in June’s draft, is 6-foot-4, 205 pounds and Fedorov is 6-3, 230.

Sutter definitely appeared to enjoy it.

“It’s good to see that in practice every now and then,” Sutter said.

Said Fedorov of his penchant for fighting: “If it happens, it happens,” he said. “If it doesn’t, it doesn’t. I think I can do better things than that.”

Yeah, two points in 18 NHL games since 2002 really proves that. Keep fighting, kid, you’re only 27.

ESPN was just waiting for this day.

The only thing separating our beloved sport from women’s basketball, at least in the minds of ESPN executives, was the fights.

Now hockey doesn’t even have sole propietorship over that.

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=uhnxUbUi_nM&feature=related]

Last night in the WNBA game between Detroit and LA, a big brawl broke out because two players fell over. The end result was Rick Mahorn shoving Lisa Leslie to the ground and a bunch of outrage from girls that don’t understand sports. They couldn’t even get a tale of the tape graphic up in time.

We are now one step closer to hockey being completely irrelevant to the WWL. I’m sure the rockheads in Bristol are thrilled.

And if we learned one thing in all this, it’s that Mahorn is the Scott Stevens of the WNBA. Leslie, of course, is Eric Lindros.

PHANEUF'D