The Two-Line Pass

Have a peek at this video of Mark Messier doing an interview with ESPN.

First they talk about Yankee Stadium, then they talk about Brett Favre.

Finally, 2:45 into the interview, they actually ask him hockey-related questions. He has to rate scenarios on a scale of “How Hockey” a situation is. I wish I were making that up. Every time the anchor does the cornball delivery on “HOW HOCKEY IS THAT,” I want him to contract hantavirus from the cheese sandwiches at craft service.

First topic: Players leaving the NHL for the KHL (not that they could be bothered to mention the latter by name). HOW HOCKEY IS THAT?!

“I think we all know the NHL is the best league in the world, and if you are a hockey player with any aspirations, the NHL is the league you want to play in. The Russian league is becoming something we definitely have to pay attention to, and the folks over there have a tremendous amount of money and they’re trying to build the credibility of it. We definitely have to have a working relationship with them in order so we’re not stealing eachother’s players that are under contract.”

Second topic: “Tough guy” Sean Avery works for Vogue Magazine and that’s borderline gay, right? HOW HOCKEY IS THAT?!

“I think it’s great. What makes any sport or any player interesting is what he does other than what we see as fans watching him on the ice. Outside interests are always intriguing to the fans, so what he does away from the ice is good for not only him but for the sport of hockey.”

Third topic: Seriously, bro, wouldn’t you call Avery a big gay loser?

“Personally, I wouldn’t. He’s in the right place. He’s a single guy and he’s getting to meet a lot of girls, so why wouldn’t he do it? He’s smarter than everyone else.”

Fourth topic: Sid Crosby’s living with Mario Lemieux again! What are they GAY or something? HOW HOCKEY IS THAT?!

“What a great opportunity for a young superstar like himself to learn from the best ever. I was there during the playoffs over Mario’s house and saw Sidney there. Great opportunity for him to not only feel comfortable and not have to worry about living by himself as a young guy in the NHL, but to live with Mario who, in my mind was one of the best ever and a tremendous leader in his own right. What a tremendous opportunity for Sidney.”

It’s nice to be pandered to.

So today I fired up Safari today because Firefox was having a problem running a video. It was the first time I’d used Safari in a while, and I’d forgotten I subscribe to a number of ESPN.com RSS feeds. This is what I was greeted with.

Yup, The Worldwide Leader had 341 combined stories running in feeds, and not one was about hockey. Surely Sidney Crosby has done SOMETHING worth mentioning in the last three months. I mean, E.J. Hradek’s blog was updated yesterday. Does someone get paid to do this? What a joke.

Good call on the Bolts, Burnside.

I know what you’re thinking: “It’s late July! Training camps haven’t started yet, but I’m absolutely starving for a heaping helping of Scott Burnside’s mediocre opinions on which teams will make the playoffs.”

Funny you mention it.

Here is the first in what we hope will be a long line of grading the power rankings of various hockey news media outlets.

Burnside, interestingly, takes the time to break this into Eastern and Western Conference rankings, so, because it’s summer, I’ll allow him that.

Eastern Conference (* notes supposed division winner):

1. Pittsburgh Penguins*: An iffy pick at No. 1 considering all they’ve lost, but they do have two of the top three players in the league, and Marc-Andre Fleury is developing into a star. Fair enough.

2. Montreal Canadiens*: Would’ve been my pick for No. 1, but if the only thing holding them back was a rookie goalie with a 2.56 GAA and a .920 sv%, then I think that’s a pretty weak argument.

3. Philadelphia Flyers: My No. 2. They’ve got everything it takes to get over the hump and come out of the East this year, especially if they can get hot again.

RIDICULOUS PICK ALERT: 4. New York Rangers: What? Why? They have NO offense! None! Does Wade Redden help the defense that much? Nope. This isn’t a fourth place team in the East because it’s not a second place team in its division. First bad pick of the bunch, but several more to come.

5. Washington Capitals*: Yeah, still the best team in a pretty bad division, but Carolina’s going to make them earn it this year.

6. New Jersey Devils: “We put the Devils here because they’re always better than we expect they’ll be.” What does THAT mean? If they’re better than expected every year, start expecting them to finish where they always finish, first or second in the Atlantic with 100+ points. Like clockwork. They added Brian Rolston, and they’ll definitely be better than the Rangers.

RIDICULOUS PICK ALERT: 7. Carolina Hurricanes: I would imagine that the Canes do return to form a bit this year and make the playoffs, but the Hurricanes better than the entire Northeast save for the Habs? Please.

RIDICULOUS PICK ALERT: 8. Tampa Bay Lightning: Ha! Okay Burnside, explain yourself. “The Lightning will be much more imposing offensively this season with the addition of Malone, Radim Vrbata, Gary Roberts and Adam Hall. Defense is young, and goaltending is unproven. Still, a playoff team in the mediocre East.” They had decent offense last year, and they gave up close to 427 goals per night. They still have no goaltending, and I believe the average age of their defensemen is around 24. Know where that gets you? Nowhere. Burnside is buying the Barry Melrose hype. Who said ESPN will cover the Bolts fairly?

9. Buffalo Sabres: Yeah I can see that.

10. Ottawa Senators: The Senators haven’t missed the playoffs since 1997. They always compete and put up decent numbers. Burnside’s claim that they have mediocre goaltending is true enough, but I don’t know if I buy that they’re a “one-line” team, or if that that line having Heatley, Spezza and Alfredsson on it is a bad thing.

RIDICULOUS PICK ALERT: 11. Boston Bruins: Seriously? The team that made the playoffs despite 305 man-games lost to injury (third-most in the league) won’t make the playoffs? They offload Glen Murray, sign Michael Ryder, get Patrice Bergeron back and healthy for a full season, have an average age of like 25, still have one of the most underrated blue lines in the East, and they finish ELEVENTH in the conferece? If it wasn’t for that Bolts-in-eighth pick, this would be the worst one in the East by a mile.

12. Florida Panthers: Why so high?

13. Toronto Maple Leafs: Inarguable.

14. New York Islanders: I think they’ll surprise people but they still won’t make the playoffs.

15. Atlanta Thrashers: Worst team in the league, and no future to speak of. Have fun losing Kovy at the end of the season, and hope Tavares is ready for Hotlanta in 2009-10.

Western Conference (* notes supposed division winner):

1. Detroit Red Wings*: Indisputable.

2. San Jose Sharks*: Yup.

3. Dallas Stars: Eh, I like the Ducks coming out of the Pacific but it’s tough to argue against the Conference finalist that pretty much returns everyone, so I accept this.

4. Anaheim Ducks: I don’t think Brendan Morrison will have quite the impact everyone in Anaheim is hoping for, and they might not get Niedermayer or Selanne back, so it’s an iffy proposition. Still a very deep offensive team, and their defense and goaltending will always be good enough.

RIDICULOUS PICK ALERT: 5. Edmonton Oilers*: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. The Oilers fifth, and Division champions? Is that a typo? It has to be a typo. The Oilers? In the Northwest? They’ve improved, certainly. Erik Cole and Lubomir Visnovski are solid additions to be sure but they still haven’t been able to lure one free agent of consequence to the Great White North. Vancouver and Calgary have both improved enough that they can stand on Edmonton’s throat and maybe even keep them out of the playoffs. There’s no way the friggin’ Oilers win the division.

6. Chicago Blackhawks: I know they’re the sexy pick this year and I know there’s a lot of hype around them because they’re a fun team to watch, but they’ve got to prove they can win rather than just be handed the coveted “sixth place in the Western Conference” crown. Brian Campbell’s a nice addition for the offense but does nothing to help the suspect defense and goaltending that plagued the ‘Hawks last year. It’s not the worst pick in the bunch but it ain’t great either.

7. Calgary Flames: Okay, so the Flames finished third in the Northwest with 94 points last year, and Burnside believes they’ve improved in the offseason, going so far as to allow for the fact that Kiprusoff will return to his career average numbers, rather than the ho-hum 2.69 GAA and .906 sv% of last year. So how exactly do they stay in the same place in the conference seedings? I don’t think Calgary’s going to set the world on fire, but they’re going to be tough to play against this year (they weren’t last year, at all) and the Northwest probably got worse.

8. Nashville Predators: I can see them missing the playoffs, there I said it.

9. Minnesota Wild: Meh, this is an okay pick even though they won the division last year.

RIDICULOUS PICK ALERT: 10. Columbus Blue Jackets: Really? 10? Ahead of Vancouver and Colorado and St. Louis? Columbus finished one point up on the Blues for last in the division with only 80 points, and somehow, despite not improving any great amount in the offseason (Kristian Huselius? Plan the parade!), jump to 10th in the conference? Nope.

11. Phoenix Coyotes: I’d have them higher. They can’t be much worse than they were last year, against a slightly weaker Pacific and they’re a hell of a fun team to watch. Though I doubt it will happen, I wouldn’t be completely shocked to see them sneak into the eighth seed.

12. Vancouver Canucks: Sure, Burnside attached the caveat that they become amazing if they get Sundin, but I don’t see how the best goalie in the league finishes four spots out of the playoffs with any team in front of him, and certainly not behind the Wild. Bold prediction: the Sedins and Steve Bernier make each other into a point-a-game players.

RIDICULOUS PICK ALERT: 13. Colorado Avalanche: Just crazy. They certainly won’t be a threat to the Northwest champions, whoever they are, but the Avs 13th in the conference is a bit of a goddamn stretch. They’ve never ever finished that low in the West. Last time they missed the playoffs in 2006-07, they STILL had 95 points, one behind Calgary for the eighth and final spot. The West just had seven teams finish with more than 100 points. That won’t be the case this year, and the Avs can’t possibly be 13th-in-the-West bad, ever.

RIDICULOUS PICK ALERT: 14. St. Louis Blues: They barely finished this low last year and they got better in the offseason. Just insane. There’s a lot to like about the Blues this year.

15. Los Angeles Kings: Yup. They’ll be better than last year, but not by much.

TLP Power Rankings power rankings:

1. Davis21wylie, ArmChairGM.com

2 (last). Scott Burnside, ESPN.com

Settling for league MVP is not nearly as cool as a made up award no one cares about

Earlier this week came news that the Penguins retained 99 percent of their season ticket holders from last season despite heavy free agent losses. Had many of those fans held off another week, maybe they would’ve jumped that extra one percent.

ESPN, great arbiter of all things hockey, has named Sidney Crosby the best player in the sport as part of its annual ESPY Awards, mainly because it would be hard pressed to name another one. Crosby beat out Alex Ovechkin, Jarome Iginla, Pavel Datsyuk and teammate Evgeni Malkin for the award, an event so momentous it garnered him almost a quarter of a sentence on ESPN.com.

Other repeat winners were: Sidney Crosby (Best NHL Player), Norm Duke (Best Bowler), Floyd Mayweather (Best Fighter) and Maria Sharapova (Best Female Tennis Player).

Wow, mentioned next to a bowler! Hockey’s really moving up in the world after the ESPN ombudsman said the league was being unfairly under-covered early last season. None of that, I’m sure, has to do with Jason Chung’s wonderful, spot-on criticism of the Worldwide Leader’s hockey coverage.
Meanwhile, a deer won Versus’ “Best Victim of Barbaric Redneck Ritual” award for the show ‘North American Hunters.’