Is Sidney Crosby really a vampire?

(This post is part of a fundraiser for 826 Boston, a non-profit tutoring and writing center. For a donation of $50 or more, readers can get me to write anything about hockey they want, so donate today to make me say stuff by clicking here. I probably don’t believe the nonsense below, which was requested by TJ.)

A few years ago, as part of an attempt to blow up an idiotic and fallacious argument advanced by a moron (specifically, that Alex Ovechkin’s drop-off in goal production was the result of discontinued steroid use, and there was no way to disprove this so it must be true), I said that there’s likewise no way to disprove an assertion that Sidney Crosby is a vampire.

This, for some reason, caught on big-time with people. They really wanted to believe that it was possible. A weirdly large amount, really. Think about it: Crosby has a superhuman and preternatural talent for the game, played mostly indoors, mostly at night, and mostly in the cold (I’m assuming vampires don’t care if it’s cold. Is that part of the thing with vampires? It must be).

But if the burden of proof is on Crosby to provide evidence that he is in fact not a vampire, then those who believe him to be so would also do well to mount additional evidence to disprove. Here is some interesting information that I have come up with:

Consideration No. 1:
Crosby came into the league at a time when composite sticks were really starting to rule the day. No chance of getting a broken wood stick through the heart.

Consideration No. 2:
It is a widely held belief that the NHL draft lottery in 2005 was rigged so that Crosby would go to Pittsburgh. They had a lockout that canceled the whole season, and then a team that had the selection criteria crafted to favor them heavily not-surprisingly won it. The Penguins backed into the best talent of a generation for the second time in their history.

(Addendum: A draft lottery essentially invites Crosby into the league. He could not have entered without invitation, as stated by vampiric myth.)

Consideration No. 3:
The second-place team, who settled for Bobby Ryan (decidedly not a vampire as far as I know), was the Anaheim Ducks. Carolina was No. 3.

Consideration No. 4:
Pittsburgh was the closest of these three cities to Crosby’s hometown of Cole Harbour, Nova Scotia. If he were a vampire, he would have to sleep in a coffin full of dirt from his homeland, and this geographical proximity saves on shipping costs.

Consideration No. 5:
Even for the most powerful vampires, I have to assume that it is sometimes difficult to avoid being outside in the daytime. And given that direct exposure to sunlight would mean his instant and horrible death. So is it any surprise at all that Pittsburgh is the fourth-cloudiest city in the U.S., with 203 days of heavy clouds per year? Among NHL cities, only Buffalo, which picked 13th, is cloudier (208 days).

In fact, Pittsburgh is also third in the number of days with cloudy skies of any kind, at 306. That’s 84 percent of the year.

Consideration No. 6:
Meanwhile, Anaheim has 280 sunny days per year. And it’s 217 in Raleigh. Crosby would, of course, not want to go there.

Consideration No. 7:
Crosby has played in two outdoor games. For one, it snowed heavily in Buffalo (again, that’s the third-cloudiest city in America, folks!). For the other, it was rather conveniently rained out, and then held at night.

We’re through the looking glass on this one, people.

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