The Two-Line Pass

(READ BELOW, CLICK THIS, GET EXCITED!)

It’s me. I have my hand out. Ryan Lambert. Me.

Hi folks, you might remember the wildly successful fundraising job you all helped me complete back in September and October for the 826 Boston Write-A-Thon. Just about every day for a month or something like that, I wrote funny little posts here at this largely-unused blog and some people read them and a whole bunch of people donated money.

In all, you guys helped me raise nearly $4,000 for 826 Boston, a wonderful writing and tutoring center in the city’s Roxbury neighborhood, where schools are generally underserved and students need all the help they can get. Well, they need money again, as so many nonprofits not related to fatal diseases often do.

As such, they are holding something called the Spelling Bee for Cheaters, in which people who raise a bunch of money will be able to get a leg up on the competition in a spelling bee, naturally. I’m not particularly enamored of showing the world just how bad I am at spelling words aloud (in eighth grade I got bounced in the first round of our school spelling bee because I forgot “access” has two Cs in it, as I am a dumbass), but I am enamored of what 826 Boston does for kids every single day, and I consequently really like helping them raise a lot of money.

Last time out, my goal was $500 in 29 days, and obviously we blew that — and the competition — out of the water. Now, we have through just about the end of April to raise $20,000, and I’d really like to raise a quarter of that by myself. If I got nearly $4,000 in less than a month, $5,000 in two and a half should be no problem for you people.

So I’m gonna cut you guys the same deal as last time. You donate money, I write a post here on TLP about some stupid thing that happened in hockey. Today, for example, I could write about Lindy Ruff getting fired, or Jannik Hansen throwing a Lex Luger forearm into Marian Hossa’s head. Lots of options out there, particularly because of how dumb hockey is in general. Like, I mean, Darcy Regier still has a job. Isn’t that crazy? It’s crazy. It is.

The page to sponsor me is located right here, and I hope you’ll give anything you can. Again, this is a really nice cause, and if you would consider donating, that would be extraordinarily swell. Thanks so much gang.

(READ THE THING BELOW, THEN CLICK HERE.)

Hello everyone,

Remember this site? No? Of course not. I haven’t written on it in more than a year, due entirely to laziness. Not that anyone likely noticed or cared very much, except the roughly four of you who have asked about it on Twitter and gotten a rude response from me as a result. Sorry about that.

So why am I writing on it today? I’m glad you asked. For about seven months or so at this point, I have volunteered my time at 826 Boston, which is a really great writing and tutoring center for kids in the area. And, as you might expect with a nonprofit, there’s not a lot of money to be made in helping kids do their homework or engage in any creative writing.

It is for this reason that 826 Boston has an annual Write-A-Thon. It’s exactly what you’d expect it to be: Participants, instead of doing something extremely difficult like walking or riding a bike or sitting through an Islanders game, pledge to write things. Any old thing they want. The event lasts from Sept. 6 (WHOOPS!!!!) to October 11, so I’m already almost a week behind because I am an idiot.

As you might imagine, I am pledging to write about hockey just for you. And not just any hockey. I promise you there will be no talk of the CBA or lockout. No accusations that the NHL’s owners are greedy irresponsible pigs (they are though). Just straight up being a jerk about hockey — you know, jokes about how Taylor Hall looks like Sloth from the Goonies, how no one goes to Coyotes games, and how Marty Brodeur Kyle Wellwood Dustin Byfuglien is fat.

I will write these things about once a day (or so! Don’t hold me to that!) for your enjoyment. I hope that, in return, you will donate money to this really unbelievably good cause. My goal is to raise $500 in the next 29 days, but my HOPE is to blow the doors off that number — not unlike how anyone with NHL-level speed can get around a bad Dion Phaneuf pinch — and make everyone else who signed up look really bad.

Overall, 826 Boston hopes to raise $18,000, but we can do better than that.

The page to sponsor me is located right here, and I hope you’ll give anything you can. Again, this is a really nice cause. And if you donate a lot of money, I have some hockey stuff laying around here that you might be interested in (a Todd Bertuzzi autographed puck, a Heritage Classic seat cushion, a Buffalo Winter Classic Sabres touque that the pom-pom fell off, a non-team-specific Boston Winter Classic touque, etc.). We can work something out.

Friends and family,

Things have been going well on this stupid internet site for a little while here and I think you’re all swell people now (I used to think you were all blithering idiots, you see). And with this in mind, please get excited for the first ever TLP Giveaway Extravangza Contest.

At first I was worried that this might make me come off as a bit of a scumbag trying to monetize my dumb blog, but then I was like, “Wait a minute I get nothing out of this, and only the smelly ingrates who enjoy my work for some reason are the real winners here.”

So here’s the deal: The very nice people at Warner Home Video have offered some DVD sets for me to give away to you goobers, totally and absolutely free.

What DVDs, you ask? Well these are some pretty rad ones.

First is this nice 10-disc set with 10 of the Washington Capitals’s greatest games, helpfully titled the “NHL Washington Capitals 10 Greatest Games Collector’s Edition DVD.” I have no idea what is on this besides Alex Ovechkin scoring many, many goals, but I bet Rod Langway comes up once or twice. Maybe Olaf Kolzig too! It comes out tomorrow for regular people to buy for like $50, but you can just win it for free from me if you wanna wait a couple extra days.

Second is this six-disc set all about the ol’ Chicago Blackhawks, imaginatively titled “The Chicago Blackhawks Great Moments and Classic Games.” Stan Mikita is likely featured, not so much the middle part of this decade. Like the Caps DVD, it comes out tomorrow and is 40 smackeroos unless you win it from me FOR FREE!!!!!

Is there a catch? You know there is.

You have to continue to read this website (sorry). Every day this week I’ll post a Good Night, and the six people I deem to be funniest in their commenting on the previous night’s transpirings will win a DVD set. I have three of each to give away, and funniest person gets first crack at what they want, and so on down the line. That’s just how it goes. It’s my contest, my rules.

And hey remember, quantity is not the same as quality, no matter what the Calgary Flames’ current forward depth chart would have you believe.

Please note: if you don’t leave your actual email address in the comments I can’t get in touch with you to send the DVDs, so leave your actual email address. Or don’t. Whatever, I don’t care.

I’ll let you know who won by Friday.

Be reading, be funny, be telling your friends or get the hell off my website!

I startws a new job this week so I probably won’t write any Good Nights while I adjust to the new hours. This is mainly because I’ll be falling asleep at 8 p.m. like an elderly woman (plus 5:45 a.m. comes quick to those of us who, like me, are accustomed to going to bed at 4:30 a.m.). I will, however, try to do some sort of post or two of non-Good Nightedness to make it up to you, my dear, dear readers.

If you don’t like it, I guess you can shut up.

Believe it, baby!

The post was originally titled “Oh no, it’s a moral conundrum,” but I guess that was a reference that no one besides me and like three other people would get.

Just in case some of you were wondering just what your particular levels of outrage should be re: this weekend’s plethora of dirty hits (and I didn’t get into the slewfoot), this is what I hope will be a handy guide. Best of luck to you all!

You can go here and read it.

I will say that, as of now, the format is still a work in progress. We’ll see how things go. And no, I won’t talk about UMass Lowell every week, or, probably very much at all unless they do something like win the league or the Lamoriello Cup.

A bunch of stuff about Brian Burke, and then some other things! Weeeeee.

I seem to have gone over the handlebars and careened into an endless abyss of stupidity, because this latest post at FlamesNation, about the NHLPA coup that went down on Sunday, just ended up as a bizarre mixture of odd references that, I hope, made some kind of cogent sense.

Notable things referenced: T.S. Eliot, the Cuban Missile crisis, the Simpsons, Georges-Pierre Seurat and the late-19th century pointillist movement, Dr. Strangelove and Bobby Holik’s contract with the Rangers (though not in that order).

Like I said, odd.

Because I forgot to post it on Monday like a moron, here is a link to this week’s What We Learned over at Puck Daddy. It was perfectly fine.

And then here’s a post I did just now for FlamesNation that, like all my other work everywhere on the internet, will be poorly received.

Have a good weekend. Shut up.