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    Choose Your Own Adventure: The ____________ (Canucks/Bruins) are Stanley Cup champions!

    June 15th, 2011

    Here’s a story you will read in every Canadian newspaper tomorrow.

    VANCOUVER — On the game’s biggest stage, and in the most important game of his life, Roberto Luongo ____________ (answered his critics/imploded horribly), spilling thousands of Vancouver fans into the street in paroxysms of ____________ (sheer joy/blinding rage).

    Luongo, who in many ways was the crux of the series’ bizarre and numerous turning points, played ____________ (extremely well/mind-bendingly poorly) in allowing ____________ (0/12) goals and turning aside ____________ (14/three) shots in ____________ (60/eight) minutes of action.

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    LEAVE GEORGES ALONE

    January 21st, 2010

    It’s tough being an NHL player, we all know that.

    The business is cutthroat, and where one day you can be the toast of the town, the next day you can be out on your ass in a matter of half an ineffective season.

    Georges Laraque found that out the hard way today, as the Canadiens, clearly tired of his being of Haitian descent and not the fact that he’s a tough guy that doesn’t fight or hit anyone any more, sent him home for the remainder of the season with an eye toward being bought out once the Habs are able to do so.

    Wait.. what? That Haitian thing seems out of place. Well, I mean, not if you’re Laraque. The money quote (emphasis obviously mine):

    “Classless,” Laraque said angrily. “To do this in the midst of all I’m dealing with in Haiti, the timing is awful. I’m not going to sugar coat anything.”

    Yes, all he’s dealing with.

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    The Airing of Grievances for 2009

    December 23rd, 2009

    Well another Festivus is upon us and since I can’t write a post about a metal pole or a meatloaf dinner (although…), I figure I’ll do what just about every other blog on the planet must be doing today and write a post about the stupidest things that happened in hockey this year, and then call it The Airing of Grievances in a hat tip to both Seinfeld and Glen Rock, New Jersey’s greatest export, scumbag rockers Titus Andronicus, who have an album by the same name that you should definitely buy and are incredible.

    In poking around this stupid site just now in preparation for writing this malarkey, I also noticed that I did the exact same thing on this date last year, but due to my being a moron, failed to connect the dots and actually make it more Festivian, which I think is a word I invented just now but oh well.

    Anyhow, here is a list of the hockey-related things by which I felt particularly aggrieved this year.

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    2009-10 Western Conference preview: Further haiku

    September 30th, 2009

    Konnichiwa again.

    Partly because I have recently taken a shine to Japanese poetry and theatre (what?), and partly because it will be much, much easier and quicker this way, I have decided to preview the season for each conference in the ancient art of haiku. All teams will be covered in the order in which I believe they’ll finish. Yes, these are meant to take some thought.

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    2009-10 Eastern Conference preview: A tale in haiku

    September 29th, 2009

    Konnichiwa.

    Partly because I have recently taken a shine to Japanese poetry and theatre (what?), and partly because it will be much, much easier and quicker this way, I have decided to preview the season for each conference in the ancient art of haiku. All teams will be covered in the order in which I believe they’ll finish. Yes, these are meant to take some thought.

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    Win or lose, Hossa was still wrong

    June 12th, 2009

    “It was a really tough decision for me to make. When I compared the two teams, I felt like I would have a little better of a chance to win the Cup in Detroit.” - Marian Hossa, July 2, 2008.

    Regardless of whether or not the Red Wings beat the Penguins later tonight, Hossa was pretty much wrong. If Detroit pulls out the victory on its home ice, Hossa will happily lift the Cup, but that won’t have made him any more correct that Detroit gave him “a little better of a chance.”

    Hossa, though you might not know it from his play in this series (0-3-3, plus-1) or indeed the whole playoffs (6-9-15, plus-6 in 22 games), is a game-changing player. That he took the smaller paycheck to have a better shot at the Cup might seem like some sort of magnanimous “I’m not in it for the money” type gesture, and certainly I don’t begrudge him that. It’s just kind of a dick move.

    But that’s old news, obviously. So here we are more than 11 months later, and it all comes down to one game between the one he chose and the one he snubbed to see which team wins the Cup. All things considered, it’s more or less a 50-50 chance that everything works out in what he’d consider to be his favor.

    But what this point ignores is that the Red Wings now have just as good of a shot of winning the grandest prize in all athletic competition as do the Penguins, and that’s with the whole “We have Marian Hossa on our team” affect. WITH Hossa, the Red Wings were more or less a dominant force, even when saddled with some of the worst goaltending in the NHL for the entirety of the regular season. WITH Hossa, the Red Wings rolled through Columbus in four games, struggled to down Anaheim in seven, dispatched Chicago in five and now stand on the brink against Pittsburgh.

    Meanwhile, WITHOUT Hossa, the Penguins struggled mightily before they dumped Michel Therrien. And without Hossa, they became inarguably the best team in the NHL under Dan Bylsma (I mean, they’ve lost 10 games in regulation since Bylsma took over on Feb. 16). And without Hossa, they snuck by Philadelphia in six games, struggled to down Washington in seven, dispatched Carolina in four and now stand on the brink against Detroit.

    Clearly, Pittsburgh and Detroit are two very even teams, but imagine where the former would be if it were plus-Hossa and where the latter would be if it were minus-Hossa. Pretty easy to imagine that Pittsburgh would have been a better team if Hossa, who scored 40 goals this year, was the one getting one-timer feeds from Crosby or Malkin instead of, say, Petr Sykora (25), Ruslan Fedotenko (16) or Miroslav Satan (17).

    Obviously there are some mitigating factors here: Might the Pens have fired Therrien had their record been slightly better? Might they have had the cap room to trade for Chris Kunitz and Bill Guerin? Might they never have discovered the power of a barbecue pork burrito? Tough to say, obviously. But Marian Hossa makes Pittsburgh, like any other team he happens to be on, better, and conversely a Hossaless Detroit worse.

    A better Penguins team would have beaten a worse Detroit and Hossa would have already lifted the Cup by now. Just sayin’.


    Your team is finished (The Two-Line Pass playoff preview of ultimate excitement!)

    April 15th, 2009

    For the next two months, you won’t want to talk to anyone — coworkers, friends, and family can all take a hike. You won’t want to do anything — things like going to work, running errands, making waste in the toilet seems like a terrible misappropration of valuable time. You won’t want to pay attention to personal hygiene — shaving, changing or washing your clothes are all out of the question.

    And that’s because it is, at long last, playoff time.

    The wheat has been separated from 14 teams worth of useless chaff with poor goaltending and now we settle things like gentlemen.

    This being my first NHL playoffs as a blog writer, I will break things down for you thusly:

    1. Why the team will win a Stanley Cup.
    2. Why you’re an idiot for believing in the team in which you’ve invested so much time and love.
    3. What my prediction is, for better or worse (and likely the latter).

    Here goes:

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    OH NO CANES COUNTRY IS MAD AT ME

    March 11th, 2009

    Well apparently, three-ish days after the fact, “Bubba” over at Canes Country is getting after me for my criticism of Eric Staal over at Puck Daddy.

    The crux of my argument was this: If I were a ‘Canes fan, I would be incredibly frustrated by the inconsistent play of Eric Staal. This was somehow massively offensive and tipped off a 700-or-so-word rant about what a clown I was (well, they kind of lumped me in with Mr. L. Gregory Wyshynski as though we were the same person. We are not).

    So here is my retort, because, as the person that e-mailed me this told me, I need to “Smarten up,” which is something moms say.

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    Trade deadline winners and losers (hint: you are the latter)

    March 4th, 2009

    Well golly every year, every single prognosticator prognosticates upon who was, in fact, the big, big winners and the terrible, awful losers at the trade deadline.

    As we all know, I am one of the most brilliant hockey minds around (I consider myself third only to Nick Kypreos and Dwayne Klessel), so I will tell you, all the stupid hockey fans that don’t know offsides from the offensive zone, who won and lost on this deadline day.

    Now, when you tell your friends what I think about today’s transactions and pass it off as your own opinion, you will look like a freakin’ GENIUS.

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    The 10 stupidest hockey stories of 2008

    December 23rd, 2008

    With the year finally winding down, we can now look back on the prior 350-something days and start to put together some conclusive feelings about them. It seems, to me at least, that this has been literally the stupidest calendar year of hockey in maybe a decade.

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