The Two-Line Pass

So today, the Calgary Flames were the featured article on Wikipedia’s front page.

What was once a proud wiki entry has now been reduced to tragedy thanks to the internet hooligans known as wiki vandals.

FLAMERS? TURD HOCKEY? EDITING THAT DOES NOT INVOLVE THE CORRECTION OF POOR GRAMMAR?! Have you no shame, wiki vandals? Have you no decency?

Of course not. You’re probably from Edmonton.

So today I fired up Safari today because Firefox was having a problem running a video. It was the first time I’d used Safari in a while, and I’d forgotten I subscribe to a number of ESPN.com RSS feeds. This is what I was greeted with.

Yup, The Worldwide Leader had 341 combined stories running in feeds, and not one was about hockey. Surely Sidney Crosby has done SOMETHING worth mentioning in the last three months. I mean, E.J. Hradek’s blog was updated yesterday. Does someone get paid to do this? What a joke.

Tie Domi is finally doing some good for the world. He’s helping to endorse a charity called Spread the Net, which helps buy mosquito nets for African families so that kids don’t get malaria. Seems like a good cause.

But here’s a commercial(?) for Spread the Net featuring Domi and Cuba Gooding, Jr. that’s just… surreal. Domi calls his commercial co-star “Q-ba,” which is not how you pronounce his name, Gooding calls himself Domi’s “photo negative” and then they go on a strange tangent about the amount of children they each have before closing with Gooding’s “classic” line from Jerry Maguire, slightly (and hilariously!) modified to be more appropriate to their current situation.

Oh it’s just a hoot.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-u3FLfsbzns]

A few weeks ago, the Canucks announced a contest to design backup goalie Curtis Sanford’s new mask.

And now the first batch is available for the public to view. There are some doozies.

First is this one, which recalls great Canucks goaltenders of the past, like Dan Cloutier:

Then there’s this, which.. I don’t know. It’s something.

This next one didn’t actually make the contest, but HPL over at Something Awful cooked up possibly the best mask for a Canucks’ backup ever.

My favorite, though, is this one, submitted by “Bobby.” I have so many questions about it. First, what’s with the flames at the top? Second, is that eagle holding a branch that isn’t attached to a tree, or a miscolored and genetically mutated salmon? Third, will the mask itself have to be done in colored pencil? Finally, and most importantly, what is that lumberjack doing to that bear?

I am officially BEGGING Curtis Sanford to select this last one. It’s perfect in every way.

Purpose pitch.

Chad LaRose is never afraid to throw chin music to anyone.

In Durham, North Carolina last night to throw out the first pitch at the Triple A Durham Bulls game, LaRose struggled with his location early.

LaRose’s toss was a little high, sailed over the catcher and hit a young musician, standing near the backstop, in the small of the back.

“I just threw it a little high and the catcher never tried to catch it,” LaRose said.

LaRose was devastated. He only meant to brush her back, and he gets kind of panicky when there are ducks on the pond.

The little girl was fine and hung out with LaRose for part of the game.

“She came up to the seats and got pictures with me and everything,” LaRose said. “I was the one more hurt by it than her, I think. … Everyone’s fine except for me. I’m traumatized by the whole situation.”

Kid just doesn’t have the mental makeup to hack it in the Bigs.

This video, taken from the Russian equivalent of MTV, was presumably filmed before Ovie met his internet girlfriend. However, this is possibly the best Ovechkin video ever and needs to be shown regardless.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SsPC-JNIPzI]

I mean, you don’t even have to say anything after that.

By the way, the next great Ovechkin quote to enter the hockey lexicon should definitely be:

“They say hello, I say hey, the next thing you know they say rape.”

A world of possibility/crude penis drawings awaits.

Canucks’ hat model/backup goalie Curtis Sanford is a pretty cool dude. He opens the bench door for his team’s defensemen, he holds a clipboard for the assistant coaches, and now he’s letting fans design his mask.

“I’m pretty much open to anything, I’m not too superstitious when it comes to what I have on my mask, I just hope that people come up with some pretty good ideas,” said Sanford, who will be entering his second season with the Canucks this fall.

The Design Sanford’s Mask contest, which ends at 5 p.m. PST on August 25th, gives Canucks fans the chance to not only create a one-of-a-kind design, but the top entries will also have their work showcased in a gallery on Canucks.com following the deadline.

Sanford will then choose his favourite design and Ian Johnson of Excalibur Airbrushing will reproduce it with precision shortly after, meaning the netminder will begin training camp for the 2008-09 season with the unique mask.

The winner gets an autographed Curtis Sanford jersey and will even get to meet him and ask him, “So what’s Roberto Luongo REALLY like?”

Go here for a template if you really want to design a mask. And send your entries to me first. (If I get one, I’ll be shocked.)

One last thing:

“I’m looking forward to all of them as long as they are tasteful and everything.”

Damn it.

Y’ever go to YouTube and just type in “Hockey top 10?” You get some weird videos.

Who would’ve thought there was a Top 10 shootout misses countdown out there?

[youtube="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BxTG_ERbCcg&feature=related"]

There are some hilarious misses from big-time players. Alex Ovechkin, Peter Forsberg, Markus Naslund, and Corey Perry all look like fools in this one. Naslund’s is particularly embarrassing.

No shock that Wideman’s famous miss was No. 1.

When one man's career is more important than the league

Because you and I can never ever get enough Mats Sundin news and gossip, TSN (The Sundin Network) has seen fit to provide us with yet another update.

This time, the update states that there is no definitive update.

The chances of seeing Mats Sundin back with an NHL team anytime soon remains remote as his agent JP Barry told TSN that his client “isn’t close” to making a decision on his playing future.

Reports circulated that Sundin was set to make a decision on August 1st, however that deadline passed without a word from the Sundin camp.

It has been widely speculated that Sundin would play this season, it was just a matter of where, however Barry says Sundin is still strongly considering hanging up the skates for good.

“The longer it takes, who knows? He is deciding whether its time to retire or not,” Barry told TSN.

Man, J.P. Barry has gotten more amount media face time in the last two weeks than he has in his entire career.

You can piece the rest of the article together yourself. Blah blah blah “Vancouver, Montreal and Toronto.” Blah blah blah “$20 million, two-year offer.” Blah blah blah “32 goals and 78 points in 74 games.” Thanks, TSN, for the riveting update. I’d be interested to find out how many keywords (Sundin, undecided, future, etc.) are copied from one Sundin press release to another.

Well great, everyone. Thanks for the heads up that literally nothing has changed since we last spoke all on Friday. Seriously, wake me up when the hockey season starts, because I can’t take another day of this crap.

Just retire, Mats. This is stupid.

I was clicking through YouTube just now and once again stumbled upon a clip that, for me, will never get old.

It is Ilya Bryzgalov, then-backup goalie for the Ducks, being interviewed by the humorless Edmonton media prior to Chris Pronger’s first game back in Oiltown since the infamous forced trade.

Funny and pointed, it stands as the crowning achievement among all hockey interviews. Nothing can match it for humor and rewatch value. I have a friend who literally watches it every day at work and giggles like a schoolgirl every time (sorry Mike).

Here it is then:

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=-Ns14hRqwY8]

So many great moments. The high-pitched “Why you heff to be mhad,” the indignant “Hold on, here is minus thearty-two,” the reference to November as “November months.” Priceless.

It occurred to me, though, that there are many great hockey interviews out there. It’s hard to think of an unfunny Ovechkin interview. Some people might think there are better ones though. Could you himagine?

So if you have a favorite, send it on in via e-mail or in the comments.