Detroit, as the Red Wings supporters are so eager to point out any time you bring up anything even remotely critical of the city itself, its residents or anything else even tangentially involved with it on any level, is a town that has been through a lot lately.
And while I have no ill feelings toward the team itself (despite its penchant for crybabyism over any number of perceived slights), I think the fans of this team and I have built up enough enmity over the past year or so that I would like to put it through just a bit more.
The crux of my argument was this: If I were a ‘Canes fan, I would be incredibly frustrated by the inconsistent play of Eric Staal. This was somehow massively offensive and tipped off a 700-or-so-word rant about what a clown I was (well, they kind of lumped me in with Mr. L. Gregory Wyshynski as though we were the same person. We are not).
So here is my retort, because, as the person that e-mailed me this told me, I need to “Smarten up,” which is something moms say.
So that Sharks game last night was going just fine and dandy. San Jose was up 3-2 on Minnesota with 7:40 or so remaining in the game.
Then Marek Zidlicky turned at the red line and put a soft, backhand dump in on goal and… well look at that he scored.
That’s now three straight games without a win, the Sharks’ third such streak since the end of January. If I didn’t know better, I’d say Todd McLellan was tanking it for his old team, the Red Wings, to take the No. 1 spot in the West. That can be the only logical explanation for giving Brian Boucher three straight starts.
Yeah, Nabokov misses three games with the flu and now has a quote-unquote lower body injury? Who’s buying that?
(Big ups as always to reader DayWalk3r for the top-notch video.)
As we all know by now, the Capitals, in a desperate bid to get anyone in the Beltway area to go out with Jeff Schultz (owner of the NHL’s least proportional ears), have started have started Club Scarlet, a club for female Capitals fans only.
I’m not made of stone. I’m a man just like you, dear readers.
And so when I heard they were remaking Slap Shot, I said to myself, “This is literally the worst idea anyone in Hollywood has ever had.” And I said that as someone who had recently seen M. Night Shyamalan’s two latest films.
Now, sure, the guy who directed the Fun with Dick and Jane remake is directing it (unwatchable), the guy who wrote Analyze That (cat turds) is writing it, and the executive producer of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (abortion) as well as the producer of Mr. 3000 (so bad it killed Bernie Mac four years later) are producing it.
But I’m not worried about this one bit. I realized it would be nearly impossible you screw up something as simple to write and fall-down funny as a simple remake of the classic Slap Shot. But as a person who, at 11 years old, won a Slap Shot trivia contest hosted by the Hanson Brothers in a bar full of men between 2.5 and three times my age, I think it would be prudent to allow me to make a few suggestions for casting.
But to true historians of the game, it was just another in the long list of Hockey Hall of Famers who have injured themselves in some way thanks to some common and avoidable household injuries.
The perfect marriage between Jonathan Toews and Patrick Kane might finally be over. Their feud over which one gets votes onto the All-Star team has spilled from the dressing room and onto the internet, where the two forwards are now waging a bitter war for votes.
Toews, for example, believes Kane to be a liar and a turncoat. Not the kind of guy you’d want representing your Chicago Blackhawks at the All-Star game.
Kane, on the other hand, doesn’t think we should trust someone that can’t spell “Taves.”
Brian Campbell, by the way, is your third-party candidate.
Is Carolina kidding? They fire Peter Laviolette after the Canes jump out to a 12-11-2 start. Am I missing something here? They’re THREE POINTS back of the division lead! THREE! In THAT division! Do you realize how easy it is to make up three points when you’re playing the Panthers, Lightning and Thrashers 18 times a year?
The fact that the ‘Canes are underperforming this year is hardly Laviolette’s fault. There are the injuries to Justin Williams and David Tanabe that have kept them out since the end of September, there’s Eric Staal’s hideous performance so far this season (he’s had exactly two multiple-goal games this season), there’s the fact that the team, on paper, is pretty goddamn bad. I mean, look at that roster. What’s anyone supposed to do with that? And yet they’re still a game above .500 because Laviolette is a damn good coach.
And the replacement is Paul Maurice? The guy that wasn’t good enough to get a Maple Leafs team like the one they had two years ago into the playoffs? The guy that Carolina already FIRED? He isn’t a good coach. He just isn’t. He’s had losing seasons in seven of his 10 in the NHL. You don’t call a guy like that and offer him a job, regardless of the fact that he helped take your team to the Stanley Cup Finals in 2001-02. It’s ridiculous. What, was Jacques Demers not available?
In the hopes that it’s not too late to squeeze Maurice out, I have composed a list of five better candidates for the job.
I was watching this fight between Zach Stortini and Krys Barch from yesterday’s Stars/Oilers game, and it wasn’t bad. Never mind the post-Thanksgiving miracle that is Stortini not trying to bearhug his opponent to death like King Kong Bundy.
What makes it an all-time classic is the line the announcers get out right as the fight ends. In explaining that Barch’s job — sticking up for teammates who are more or less indefensible — was one of the toughest in sports, the color commentator says, “Krys Barch’s first job was working something called ‘the anus vaccuum’ on the killfloor of a slaughterhouse.’”
I don’t think I even want to know what that means, but one suspects David Frost is involved in some way.
By the way, Krys Barch is to be known as The Anus Vacuum henceforth, obviously.
My internet and television have both been spotty as hell tonight so I didn’t watch any hockey games. I did, however, get this sent to me by reader “Lexus Prime,” which I am assuming is his real name. As a consequence, you will get no Good Night. Settle for this and take your issues with my lack of posting up with Comcast.
Check this out: On a delayed call for the Habs, Ryan O’Byrne is pressured by Doug Weight back into his own zone and puts the puck into his own net. O’Byrne’s side of the story is that he was unaware of the delayed call and thought he could pass it back to Carey Price, who was enjoying some Gatorade on the bench. You see where this is going. Bill Guerin was credited with the goal.
The goal tied the game at 3-all inside of five minutes to go in the third period and the Habs ended up losing to the Islanders in the shootout. Also, it’s important to note that this happened IN Montreal, and the fans understandably got on him for the rest of the game.
This could be the best thing that ever happened. O’Byrne’s reaction is my new all-time favorite gesture. But he has to be traded now, right? He’s been awful all season, but this must be the end of the Ryan O’Byrne era with Les Habitants.
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