Beer league hockey is great

(This post is part of a fundraiser for 826 Boston, a non-profit tutoring and writing center. For $50, readers can get me to write anything about hockey they want, so donate today to make me say stuff by clicking here. I probably don’t believe the nonsense below, which was requested by Simon.)

Do you know what’s better than beer league hockey? Not anything, that’s what. Not that I’ve ever technically played beer league or anything, but I played intramurals in college and a decent enough amount of mid-afternoon pickup games that I assume it’s more or less the same thing, only with substantially less drinking on the bench.

So from my experience, if you add drinking to that you can probably start to feel pretty good about the experience overall.

For example, who wouldn’t love adding an alcohol infusion to watching the worst guy on your team go up and down the ice being totally ineffective for about a five-and-a-half minute shift? He’s some account executive down at the local paper-pushing concern and he’s just trying to stay the hell away from the wife and kids who he thinks have ruined his life so he doesn’t get yelled at for the third time this week about buying that sports car, so who can begrudge him a shift as long as those taken by Ilya Kovalchuk in his prime. That dude’s got problems he’s working out. The alcohol helps.

And if you think about it, what bad could come from letting a guy like that have a few pops before you accidentally make the slightest bit of contact with him as you’re both going for a 50-50 puck in the corner? It’s not like he’s so tightly wound he would start screaming at you and maybe take a couple two-handed whacks at you with his stick in, say, the back of the knee while you skate away. He probably wouldn’t try to run you through the boards next time you turned your back to him either. He’s just a good normal guy who was really great at sports in high school (just ask him!) and never got to the next level, but still keeps up with them. He plays the game with a lot of passion. You need guys like that at every level. That’s why he’s killing it with the Anderson account: He’s competitive.

Plus, and this is maybe the best part, if you add alcohol to your own performance against the 55-year-old former AHLer who still plays in all his old Rochester Americans gear to remind you that he was once “thisclose” to The Show, you might not notice that he’s still a better skater and stickhandler and shooter and passer and faceoff man than you, or care that he blew your doors off in transition because you weren’t all that good at skating backwards to begin with. The good news is you might only need to ice your knees for about three-quarters of the time he does after the game.

And that doesn’t even get into all those hilarious sex and alcohol puns in the team names. Yeah man I love beer league hockey. Great stuff.

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