Some advice on writing your lockout songs
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In the weeks since the lockout began, we’ve seen a significant uptick in the number of songs people have written about their time dealing with the ins and outs of another work stoppage.
There have been parody versions of well-known tunes. There have been out-and-out originals. And, interestingly, apart from all of them being songs of despair and frustration, they pretty much all share one universal trait:
They’re terrible.
I wish there were a way to go back in time and physically prevent Weird Al Yankovic from popularizing comedy songs in the mainstream, but alas, there is not. Nothing on the planet is less funny than a song that is intended to be funny. Sorry, but no amount of rhyming “Bettman” with “not yet, man” will ever make anyone with a pulse smile. Nor should it.
As of a few minutes ago, there were literally 446 videos on YouTube with something along the lines of “NHL lockout song” in the title or description, and that’s about 447 too many.
Please, hockey fans, we don’t you half-assing a few chords and trying to think of the best way to express your disdain for the definition of hockey-related revenue by caterwauling allegedly-comical lyrics to the tune of Whitney Houston’s version of “I Will Always Love You.”
Even the better ones, like close personal friend Harrison Mooney’s “Lockout Man,” have the inherent problem of the “artists” not knowing when to wrap this garbage up (with no due respect). If you comedy song is longer than, oh, let’s say 90 seconds, your comedy song is too long. Get to the hook, sing it once, get out of there. Period.
No one cares if all your friends and mainly your mom keep saying you can sing well. You’d place 114th at American Idol auditions in Tulsa. No one knows that your band is THISCLOSE to signing with a label we’ve never heard of, so kindly smash your instruments like Pete Townshend, and never buy new ones.
You’re not funny and neither are your songs. Things are bad enough without having this hot garbage pop up on Twitter every day.
Don’t forget to donate to 826 Boston. Thanks again.
