Good night: Finally
Don’t forget about the prizes!!!
Thee Lead
October 1, 2009:
Dear Diary,
The NHL season is starting soon and all the so-called “experts” on the internet are trashing my beloved Colorado Avalanche. Sure is going to be an awful year. You remember that Sakic guy? The one who stuck his hand in a snow blower and retired? Yeah, HE RETIRED. Now I can’t think of a single player on the 2001 Avalanche who wasn’t long-time member of the team Ray Bourque (we retired his number!). Anyway because he retired the oldest guy on the team after Milan Hejduk is Chris Stewart and also our starting goalie was the backup on the Panthers like six months ago. Also we have a rookie head coach. And our best player is Wojtek Wolski.
Sincerely,
Some idiot.
December 5, 2009
Dear Diary,
Holy crap the Avs are good just like I said they would be. It was perfectly logical to go into the season with two guys that hadn’t been a regular starting goalie probably like ever, just like I said! Hahahaha Peter Stastny is like 60 times worse than his son. We’re gonna win the President’s Trophy in your face Avs haters woooo!
Sincerely,
A loser from Denver
March 22, 2010
Dear Diary,
WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THIS TEAM AGH! They’ve lost three in a row! They’ve dropped from third in the conference to seventh and are just two points up on eighth! They’ve given up 12 goals in the last three games. They only scored seven! The Canucks have taken the division lead and will not give it up unless some catastrophe befalls the entire team in a manner that is not unlike that episode of Saved By the Bell where Kelly got a zit right before Homecoming but the zit cream Zack gives her turns her face red! We are screwed. One and done this year for sure! I can’t believe no one predicted that the Avalanche, who have a team history the last few years of incredibly successful goaltenders, couldn’t make Craig Anderson a starting goaltender for a whole year!
FML.
Sincerely,
Joe Sacco
Elsewhere…
Detroit 3, Pittsburgh 1
Henrik Zetterberg is playing off his goddamn rocker right now. ONE MILLION POINTS IN HIS LAST TWO GAMES. Okay it was actually like 15 in his last 11, but still, impressive! He had two goals tonight and also an assist ho hum no big deal. He even got the ‘bows up on Sid Crosby at the end of the game. Todd Bertuzzi was in the area as well but apparently unwilling to drive Crosby into the ice facefirst (I went there!), for which they’d have probably built him several statues in Detroit, and Philly, and Washington, and most other NHL cities.
Ottawa 2, Montreal 0
Did you know both these teams are in the Eastern Conference playoffs right now? That’s how terrible the East is!
P.S. Please type your carefully-crafted jokes into the box four boxes below this line. (P.P.S. Nice to see you down here by the way. Didn’t think too many would make it this far.)
March 23rd, 2010 at 5:51 am
hey, cause i’m the first to comment, do i automatically win?
March 23rd, 2010 at 7:55 am
At some point I expect a joke to be made.
March 23rd, 2010 at 8:33 am
I’m not necissarily commenting because of the contest, but I do find it amusing that you’ll actually have to think up and write 4 new articles this week. Good luck!
March 23rd, 2010 at 9:22 am
Bertuzzi may have been unwilling, but good ‘ole Jimmy Howard was more than happy to stuff Crosby’s face last night.
/repeating what she said
March 23rd, 2010 at 10:52 am
Stewart: Sean, that purple is really flattering on you - or is it violet?
O’Donnell: Why didn’t you call me back last night?
Stripes: Oh, stop it!
March 23rd, 2010 at 11:08 am
Shouldn’t it be called Good morning for how late this was posted? Lambert is slower than Hal Gill
March 23rd, 2010 at 11:19 am
Commenting on what actually transpired last night, not the pic you post?? I see….
Crosby got a mouth full of Jimmy last night….oh wait, that’s every night?
March 23rd, 2010 at 11:21 am
Kelly’s complexion wasn’t half as bad as when Jessie was hooked on uppers and had to sing that night.
And then there’s Jimmy Howard. Whenever I hear a grown man being referred to as ‘Jimmy’ I automatically think he s soda jerk.
March 23rd, 2010 at 12:37 pm
Right now, Zetterberg is making goalies uncomfortable much in the same way 4thline is making everyone on twitter uncomfortable with his advances on Haley from MatchsticksAndGasoline.
March 23rd, 2010 at 1:54 pm
I don’t even like either of the teams whose DVDs one can win. I just want to be a mean person and screw someone else out of winning. Although I do like that the ref wants a high five and both guys are totally leaving him hanging.
March 23rd, 2010 at 3:10 pm
why do the Caps have a Greatest Moments set? I definitely don’t want that DVD so I won’t be making a joke to try to win it. I don’t need to see Ovechkin knee to kneeing Gonchar, or him hitting Campbell from behind, and then every Caps fan saying that he’s not a dirty player.
March 23rd, 2010 at 3:46 pm
I totally get it now. The A is like a mountain that the avalanche is falling off of. I’ll quit beating on you guys now, I’m much more angry when I’m confused.
March 23rd, 2010 at 4:49 pm
i’d give zetterberg one million points just for his beard.
he can grow a playoff beard in like one shift, while crosby was stuck looking like a recent mexican immigrant last year.
March 23rd, 2010 at 6:26 pm
I was sitting next to two girls at the Joe last night who both had anti-Crosby signs, me being a die hard Pens fans I had to find a way to distract them. By the 2nd period I had them arguing with each other over whether Malkin or Crosby was cuter. Win. Too bad Zetterberg decided to go all superman on the Pens and ruin my victory, though Gonchar doing his best Russia vs Canada impression0 did not help either.
March 23rd, 2010 at 9:03 pm
sakic wil bring it home
in better dreams
March 23rd, 2010 at 9:32 pm
Ref: Are either one of you two James Wisnewski?
Stewart: No
O’Donnel: Thank god, no.
Ref: 5 minutes each
Stewart: No, wait! I am Wizznewskr!
Ref: OK then…2 minutes.
March 23rd, 2010 at 10:34 pm
Can anyone beat the Wings this year in the playoffs? They’re finally healthy, they’re playing like the former President’s Cup team they’ve been in years past. Hell, they’ll even slide into the playoffs as an underdog without home ice. I mean it’s not like some Cinderella team with a stellar goalie and a hungry inexperienced lineup, with absolutely no pressure on them, that most would say should just be happy to be in the playoffs could finish first in the conference right?
March 23rd, 2010 at 11:07 pm
Looks like the Avalanche’s season is going to come crashing down.
YEEEAAAHHHH?
March 23rd, 2010 at 11:46 pm
That game against LA was a microcosm of Colorado’s whole season: get out to a fast start, lose confidence shortly thereafter, make one last desperate attempt to score and end up at home with nothing much to show for it. Incidentally it’s also a microcosm for my weekends.
March 24th, 2010 at 12:36 am
Man oh man, what I’d have given to see Bertuzzi go all Steve-Moore-circa-2004 on his ass.
…too soon?
March 24th, 2010 at 9:56 pm
Phoenix: 62% winning pct., 66% avg. attendance
Colorado: 55% winning pct., 76% avg. attendance
Toronto: 36% winning pct., 102.5% avg. attendance
WTF!?!?!?!?
March 30th, 2010 at 1:26 am
I concur Jeff, it’s so weird that an actual hockey town has enough hockey fans to fill a building every night while some other markets have a guy named Jerry and a bunch of bandwagoners showing up. WTF indeed.