Good night: Suck it, Canada, it’s our game now
The Lead
Let me tell you about my new favorite sight of all time.
That sight was the American flag being raised to the rafters of some podunk rink in some backwater city in some unimportant province in quite literally the most worthless country in the world.
The United States may have needed overtime to beat Canada (and the officials), but by God, they did it, and I’m pretty sure George Washington is somewhere grinning a big, goofy wooden grin right in John A. MacDonald’s smug little stupid face.
Oh yeah, you pukey little Canadian fans might walk around with your “touques” and “manners” and “universal health care,” talking about how this is “Your Game” and acting like you’re better than all the other hockey-playing countries. Well you can just shut your stinkin’ traps now! You only got to overtime because Dean Blais felt bad for poor Mikey Lee, who spent the entire tournament flopping around in his crease like some floaty Quebecois Junior B player someone looked at funny. Mike Lee was so bad tonight, I thought he was Jake Allen!
As for Jake Allen, can you tell this kid was a Blues draft pick or what? What happened on that Stepan goal? Did it just bounce off your glove or did someone tell you there was a vague military threat against your country and you started looking around for the nearest American apron to hide behind? What a joke.
And speaking of jokes, you let a freakin’ soda company pick your new cheer? No wonder you lost. Who’d you get to draw up your power play? Couldn’t have been Johnson and Johnson Baby Shampoo, because all I’m seeing now is tears.
And the source of those tears, oh buddy it’s big Johnny Carlson. Not only does he score in regulation, he straight-up clowns a Canadian defenseman and goaltender in overtime to snap the hosers’ run of five straight gold medals. Carlson seriously has to be among the greatest Americans of all time. Martin Luther King, Jr., Abraham Lincoln, Lewis and Clark. Men who dared. And what Carlson dared to do was fake pass the whole time and fool some rock farmer from Moosetooth, PEI’s pencil-neck geek of a son into not even thinking he was gonna shoot. But he shot. Like John Glenn into orbit. Maybe you don’t get that reference. Has a Canadian even been to space? Has one even been on an airplane? Hard to say. Can’t understand a word they’re saying with all the “yuhknows” and “fer shers” and “Tim Hortons.” Can’t make head or tail of it.
And as for incomprehensible Canadian things, what is with your bacon? Here in the good old US-of-A we take our bacon flat and stretching from one end of this continent to the other like Manifest Destiny and the promise of the American Dream. Your money has a similar problem. It’s all purple and orange, with beavers and someone’s grandmother and a bunch of kids playing hockey. You don’t even call it regular names! A toonie? Ridiculous.
You should do yourselves a favor and stop dressing your cops like movie theater ushers with stupid hats. How’s anyone gonna take a “mountie” seriously? Are they even allowed to have guns or do they just politely ask criminals to stop committing crimes?
The point of all this is Canada got awful big for its elk-skin britches and America went up there and slapped it around like they did to England (twice!), the Confederate States, Korea, Mexico, Spain, Germany, Japan and Vietnam. Okay, maybe not that last one.
Canada fancies itself the best hockey country in the world. Johnny Carlson and Jack Campbell and Derek Stepan and Jerry D’Amigo disagree. And they got the trophy to back them up. Canada just has Pierre McGuire.
(Why no, I do not believe in being graceful in victory.)
Elsewhere (i.e. In the NHL)…
Toronto 3, Florida 2
American Hero Lee Stempniak scored for Toronto. No Americans scored for Florida. Coincidence that they lost? I think not.
New Jersey 4, Dallas 0
Hey where is Zach Parise, who scored for New Jersey, from? Minnesota. In the USA. And Jamie Langenbrunner, who had two assists? Minnesota. In the USA. And Brian Rolston, who had a helper? Michigan. America. No coincidence there either.
Washington 4, Montreal 2
Number of American points scored by Montreal tonight: zero. Number of American points scored by Washington tonight: One. Advantage: Capitals.
Boston 4, Ottawa 1
Blake Wheeler, an actual American, had three points in the first period. Tim Thomas, also an American, made 27 saves to beat Ottawa, a smelly Canadian team, for the 400th time in a row.
Pittsburgh 5, Atlanta 2
Combined stats for Atlanta’s Americans show Jimmy Slater’s two goals, eight combined shots and a total plus-1 between he, Ron Hainsey, Zach Bogosian and Marty Reasoner. Combined totals for their eight Canadians: Minus-1. Wonder why that would be! Oh, and winning goalie Brent Johnson? Yeah, he’s from Michigan. Translation: no goals on an American by a punk-ass Canadian. Fact.
Calgary 3, Nashville 1
Weaksauce Canadian netminder Dan Ellis gave up a goal to Noteworthy American David Moss. Who assisted on that goal? Noteworthy American Eric Nystrom. Ellis, by the way, is from Saskatoon, where the Canadians got their lunch boxed up and handed to ‘em by the Red, White and Blue. As if that rotten burgh didn’t have enough about which to be ashamed tonight.
Chicago 4, Minnesota 1
Guess who scored for Chicago. Patrick Kane. I’ll give you one guess where that guy’s from. And I’ll give you another to figure out which country opposing goaltender Josh Harding calls home. Hint: the crummy country up north America kicked the hell out of tonight.
Phoenix 5, Edmonton 4 (OT)
One of the franchises with enough smarts to get the hell out of Loserville and get into a real country prevails over the one that stayed behind in the dingiest, worst city in the Western world. Color me surprised. Losing goalie Jeff Drouin-Deslauriers? Canadian. But I didn’t have to tell you that.
Vancouver 7, Columbus 3
Alex Burrows had a hat trick but most of that was the work of Ryan Kesler — AN AMERICAN! — who had two assists.
Anaheim 4, Detroit 1
Well we had to let Canada get one tonight. Didn’t want all 400 people in the country to take a bunch of pills and go to sleep. America is very magnanimous that way. Although.. New Jersey’s Bobby Ryan tried to get in a fight with noted Canadian loser Todd Bertuzzi but Big Bert’s blouse jersey came off as if attached with scoth tape, so that guy’s a pantywaist just like every other Canadian.
January 6th, 2010 at 1:43 am
C’mon now, that’s funny.
January 6th, 2010 at 1:56 am
I’ve never been more proud to be an American. You’re a true Patriot, Mr. Lambert. God bless you.
January 6th, 2010 at 1:57 am
Funny post. No doubt you’ll get posts from outraged Canadians who don’t realize that your post is (mainly) tongue-in-cheek (and pointing out that Canadians have been in space (hitching a ride with NASA), almost no one here eats “Canadian Bacon”, and the War of 1812 was a draw (nice to have a war that everyone involved can claim to have won)). Even though I’m Canadian, the arrogant assumption that OF COURSE we will–nay, MUST–win, just because we’re Canadian, is a bit annoying. As is Pierre Maguire. So I’m actually glad the US won this year. Just don’t make a habit of it!
January 6th, 2010 at 2:05 am
[...] For more in-depth reading tonigt, I highly recommend a break down of why America is awesome all over the NHL: The Two Line Pass – Suck it, Canada, it’s our game now. [...]
January 6th, 2010 at 2:12 am
This is probably the best hockey blog post I have ever read
January 6th, 2010 at 2:52 am
You forgot to mention we were spanking them the entire game until that 2-goal hiccup in the last few minutes. Like seriously, we were finessing the Tim Horton’s out of ‘em.
January 6th, 2010 at 3:05 am
I’ve never felt so proud to be an american
January 6th, 2010 at 3:15 am
Who ever thought of the Toonie, anyways? A coin with a coin? What kind of convoluted horseshit is that?
January 6th, 2010 at 3:25 am
I read this post while humming “The Battle Hymn of the Republic”.
Fact. Mine eyes have seen the glory.
January 6th, 2010 at 6:31 am
“Suck it, Canada, it’s our game now” hahaha that is funny but what isn’t is the fact the more Canadian’s will be talking and caring about how we lost the gold more than American’s caring that you won it.
I think its great that the US finally won another gold medal and that next year it will be in the US coming back to the tournament as champs. I hope this victory will mean more hockey and more interest in hockey for your typical American. God knows we need more exposure here in the US and soon Americans will realize how great this game is.
January 6th, 2010 at 7:39 am
wow.. stupid stupid americans… uve won the iihf what 2 times now.. WOW… now u think ur the best in the world.. thats a joke and a ahalf right there.. just count how many times us canadians have won it. both teams played amazing for the gold this year and i think usa deserved it for their hard work but after seeing all these americans brag about it and saying that they own hockey.. this is just the kids wait for the the olympics.. thats where the finest players of each country get to represent theirs and ill talk to u then and see what u have to say.. GO CANADA GO!!!!!!!
January 6th, 2010 at 8:02 am
I will remember this…. I WILL REMEMBER THIS IN FEBRUARY AND WE WILL SEE WHO THE VICTOR IS! *knocks on wood*
January 6th, 2010 at 8:03 am
USA! USA! USA! Excellent work!
January 6th, 2010 at 10:46 am
Well I’ll admit, that was one of the best game I’ve ever watched, despite the fact that we lost anyway. Love the cynical humor in this post. And hey, ya can’t win em’ all, right?
P.S: We’re still 24-5-3 against you guys. LOL
January 6th, 2010 at 11:16 am
Easily the best good night so far on TLP, and one of the best posts ever. Well done rlam.
January 6th, 2010 at 12:26 pm
Pierre Mcguire is from Englewood, New Jersey… piss off ;D
January 6th, 2010 at 12:39 pm
You sir, are inspiration for all true Red Blooded Americans to follow. I salute you….in front of a 50 foot high American flag on the eve of our invasion north.
January 6th, 2010 at 1:00 pm
[...] game recaps at Gross Misconduct Hockey, Two Line Pass, and Japers Rink has a sweet frame by frame of Carlson’s game winning shot. [...]
January 6th, 2010 at 1:57 pm
I will now pound a Sam Adams while watching Die Hard and eating some deep fried Twinkies. Hooray America.
January 6th, 2010 at 2:30 pm
Well played.
January 6th, 2010 at 2:38 pm
You really beat that joke into the ground. Subtlety’s never been a strong suit, stateside.
January 6th, 2010 at 2:42 pm
Wait, the americans had a team?
January 6th, 2010 at 3:14 pm
ah yes, drew. that nuanced canadian humor that brought us kids in the hall (guys in dresses always funny) and trailer park boys (get it? they’re rednecks!). how understated.
January 7th, 2010 at 4:52 am
The best part of this is that even if Canada won you still would have posted this, just without mentioning that Canada has won the last 5 times and that the USA FINALLY won (opps caps lock).
For the most part is was funny. I can’t wait for the Olympics when you guys come in 4th and rip on the team in 5th hahaha
January 7th, 2010 at 9:42 am
I think this is the best blog post I have ever read
January 7th, 2010 at 6:33 pm
[...] ever said a little over the top was a bad thing? Not The Two Line Pass, that’s for sure. GO [...]
January 8th, 2010 at 11:16 pm
It’s ironic that so many posters are Americans and in agreement with the blog post. It’s actually pretty idiotic and the fact that so many Americans agree with it speaks volumes about the country…
January 9th, 2010 at 4:38 am
Neon Rabbit you might want to look up the meaning of ironic. Looks like you went to college somewhere outside the U.S. eh?
January 10th, 2010 at 3:45 am
Neon Rabbit’s sarcas-o-meter is obviously broken. Someone get him a new one. Do they not have any humor up north, or something?
August 24th, 2010 at 3:00 pm
You are SUCH a bigot. I don’t think you would be so cocky if some Communist country were to be aided and abetted in the theft of world domination of baseball from you Americans. Read: John F. Ahearne, longtime president of the International Ice Hockey Federation, treated us as schlep for a cool 39 years. He used Canadians to ice a gold-medal-winning British team at the 1936 Winter Olympics. In 1964, he tweaked the rules so Canada wouldn’t get a bronze medal. He allowed biased referees in both the 1966 World Championships (Seth Martin accused of tripping Stan Pryl when he ACCIDENTALLY fell and it HAPPENED to look as if it had been thanks to Martin’s hand) and the 1972 Summit Series (Franz Baader and Joseph Kompalla? Ever heard of them?) We don’t want to be like your ilk no matter what they think, you fat moron. I won’t be surprised if you start working at “South Park” next year and its fans see a dramatic upswing in the level of anti-Canadian extremism.
Oh, and about baseball, it might surprise you to know that some people in Beachville, Ontario, were playing something uncannily similar thereto in 1838. If you know your sports history, the popular origin of the sport was at Cooperstown, New York, in 1839. Not to mention that in Hollywood, the original Warner Brothers grew up in London, Ontario, and Louis Mayer (of Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer) was raised in New Brunswick, where his father owned a Fredericton junkyard. Walt Disney’s family was also originally Canadian.
And while we’re at it, you have a much higher rate of smoking than we do, even allowing for a population 9.5 times ours. Which is precisely why you can dominate at all international sports: Manpower.
SO THERE!
September 18th, 2010 at 12:17 am
This makes people proud to be American? One lucky victory in hockey? Well, we won olympic gold against your pathetic country so suck on that!