So the Maple Leafs now have one point from six games. Leafs fans are understandably, err, miffed by this. But have heart, Torontonians, things could be a lot worse, if you really think about it.
So to help you through this time of trouble, I’ve composed a list of things that would make the Leafs’ current situation even worse:
1. Three words: Zombie Harold Ballard.
2. The latest attempt to make the team even more truculent falls to pieces when all the Leafs agree that Phil Kessel is a pretty cool dude and they have no desire whatsoever to punch him right in his smug little face.
3. Nazem Kadri is discovered to be a member of Al Qaeda.
4. Vesa Toskala is re-signed to a Marian Hossa-type contract, given “Starting Goalie For Life” status by boyfriend Ron Wilson.
5. They could go up 5-0 less than halfway through the first period and lose 6-5 in overtime LIKE SOME OTHER TEAMS I KNOW.
6. The Toronto Marlies secede from their parent club and win a court battle for the right to compete in the NHL, instantly becoming the best Toronto-based team in the league.
7. Mats Sundin announces he’ll buy the team with nothing but PokerStars chips, goes all in with Tyler Bozak and Jonas Gustavsson despite having 2-7 offsuit.
8. Ron Wilson is fired, Wayne Gretzky takes the helm. Coach’s “cheat sheet” replaced Janet’s hot tips from the OTB.
9. It turns out Brian Burke green-lighted that sequel to “Cars” while the Ducks were still owned by Disney.
10. You could live in Ottawa.
Buffalo 6, Detroit 2
Through four games, the Sabres have allowed five goals and scored 10. That means prior to tonight, the Sabres were 2-0-1 despite scoring four goals in three games, which is pretty crazy if you think about it. It’s also crazy that they more than doubled their goal output in one game. And that, by allowing two, they gave up double their average GA/60. How is any of that possible?
Columbus 2, Calgary 1
Did Calgary lead 1-0 through one? Yes. Did they blow another lead? Yes. Did I contemplate suicide again tonight? … Maybe.