Good night: It could be worse
The Lead
So the Maple Leafs now have one point from six games. Leafs fans are understandably, err, miffed by this. But have heart, Torontonians, things could be a lot worse, if you really think about it.
So to help you through this time of trouble, I’ve composed a list of things that would make the Leafs’ current situation even worse:
1. Three words: Zombie Harold Ballard.
2. The latest attempt to make the team even more truculent falls to pieces when all the Leafs agree that Phil Kessel is a pretty cool dude and they have no desire whatsoever to punch him right in his smug little face.
3. Nazem Kadri is discovered to be a member of Al Qaeda.
4. Vesa Toskala is re-signed to a Marian Hossa-type contract, given “Starting Goalie For Life” status by boyfriend Ron Wilson.
5. They could go up 5-0 less than halfway through the first period and lose 6-5 in overtime LIKE SOME OTHER TEAMS I KNOW.
6. The Toronto Marlies secede from their parent club and win a court battle for the right to compete in the NHL, instantly becoming the best Toronto-based team in the league.
7. Mats Sundin announces he’ll buy the team with nothing but PokerStars chips, goes all in with Tyler Bozak and Jonas Gustavsson despite having 2-7 offsuit.
8. Ron Wilson is fired, Wayne Gretzky takes the helm. Coach’s “cheat sheet” replaced Janet’s hot tips from the OTB.
9. It turns out Brian Burke green-lighted that sequel to “Cars” while the Ducks were still owned by Disney.
10. You could live in Ottawa.
Elsewhere…
Buffalo 6, Detroit 2
Through four games, the Sabres have allowed five goals and scored 10. That means prior to tonight, the Sabres were 2-0-1 despite scoring four goals in three games, which is pretty crazy if you think about it. It’s also crazy that they more than doubled their goal output in one game. And that, by allowing two, they gave up double their average GA/60. How is any of that possible?
Columbus 2, Calgary 1
Did Calgary lead 1-0 through one? Yes. Did they blow another lead? Yes. Did I contemplate suicide again tonight? … Maybe.
October 14th, 2009 at 3:12 am
what the fuck, Buffalo.
October 14th, 2009 at 9:20 am
I didn’t realize you were a Calgary fan… that kind of explains a lot actually.
October 14th, 2009 at 11:44 am
6. The Toronto Marlies secede from their parent club and win a court battle for the right to compete in the NHL, instantly becoming the best Toronto-based team in the league.
I chuckled.
To level with you TLP, the Phaneuf hit on whichever fag Sedin on opening night was the best hit of the season thusfar in my opinion.
October 14th, 2009 at 3:09 pm
That Nazim Kadri “joke” was in REALLY poor taste! You should apologize, quit, or be fired! That was WAY WAY WAAAYYYY over the line!
October 14th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
Yeah dude. You should totally fire yourself from your personal blog. You went WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY over the line there.
October 14th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
1) i apologize to everyone who was stupid enough to be offended on someone else’s behalf over an obvious joke.
2) i apologize to all pixar fans who thought brian burke may have actually green-lighted cars 2.
October 14th, 2009 at 4:21 pm
Apology not accepted by:
1) Anyone who lost an innocent friend or relative to an Al Qaeda attack.
2) U.S. soldiers (and others) currently fighting these b@stards.
3) Me. I guess I’m just “stupid enough” to see something for what it is - an imprudent joke by an ignorant person.
October 14th, 2009 at 4:22 pm
Kadri is going to terrorize any team that has a defensive pairing known as the twin towers.
October 14th, 2009 at 6:41 pm
Apology also not accepted by:
4) Steve Jobs.
Mr Jobs has let it be known that any and all persons attempting to horn in on any available press opportunity relating in any way to any of Mr Jobs’ various endeavors will be perse– err, prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law, preferably in a venue where the line between civil and criminal liability is blurred, and subject to the whim of Mr Jobs or one of his minions.
By implying that Mr Burke might contemplate such a move, you threaten the tenuous relationship between the two men that dates from Mr Burke’s recommendation of a particular surgeon skilled in scruplectomies to Mr Jobs; the relationship depends in a large part of Mr Burke continuing to pursue a large fish/small pond policy in regards to press opportunities, and such a strategy would be inconsistent with any appearance on either (a) a broadcast or cable channel available to more than 30% of the viewers in any market which it appears, or (b) a page number lower than six in any surviving daily print media.
October 14th, 2009 at 7:24 pm
30,000 Canadians are year lose a close relative to automobile accidents. Are we still allowed to make cracks about Dany Heatley? Pelle Lindbergh? Tim Horton?
Maybe I believe that U.S. America is fighting a war of imperialism by sending under-educated cannon fodder to firebomb innocent women and children in foreign countries. Are we allowed to joke reference the ambivalent greed and opaque motives of the characters in Three Kings? The jingoism of Blackhawk Down? Top Gun’s explicit gayness?
“Imprudent.” Cool word. I have a thesaurus too: “effete.”
“Douchebag.”
October 14th, 2009 at 8:17 pm
If you thought the Kadri joke was over the line then you must have recently figured out how to use this space machine we call a computer. Congratulations on making your first trip into the internet!
October 14th, 2009 at 9:04 pm
Geeze Art; ease up. You gotta be able to make the subtle distinctions between Shrub’s bald-faced imperialism in Iraq and the humanitarian assistance to the down-trodden provided by the jack-boote– err, patriotic sons of liberty currently bringing peace to Afghanistan. Otherwise, you don’t sound much different than the complainers.
http://www.defenseindustrydaily.com/images/MIL_Canadian_Flag_Soldiers_Kandahar_lg.jpg
October 14th, 2009 at 9:31 pm
Heh. As of right now, the Laffs are enjoying their worst start to a season OF ALL TIME.
Also, I loved seeing my Sabres wreak all sorts of havoc last night. Nice to see those wonky stats observed, TLP.
October 15th, 2009 at 8:12 am
@ Fox…Only a youngster, such as you evidently are, would think that a thesaurus would be required by a person in order to use the term “imprudent”. My generation was actually taught vocabulary. We know all sorts of neat words that you would probably have to look up.
To answer your question: Sure, go ahead and make jokes about car accidents and terrorists. It reveals much about your character and the lack of empathy you feel toward those who have suffered a great loss. I always appreciate it when I am granted insight to a person’s frame of mind.
With great regret, civilian casualties will always been a part of war. The difference between “us” and “them” is that we don’t target civilians - they do. If you don’t see the profound difference between the two ideologies, I can’t help you. It is customary to get an education before you formulate an opinion. Feel free to do so.
Congratulations on learning that “thesaurus” is not a name for an ancient reptile.
October 15th, 2009 at 8:16 am
I guess even old guys have brain farts…my criticism was aimed at art vandelay, not Fox. Apologies…
October 15th, 2009 at 11:08 pm
It could be worse…
From the guys at The Two Line Pass, the top 10 things that could make Toronto’s season worse ….So the Maple Leafs now have one point from six games. Leafs fans are understandably, err, miffed by this. But have heart, Torontonians, things could be a …
October 24th, 2009 at 10:10 am
I’m a Bruins fan from Boston, just writing to say good luck with Phil Kessel. He’s a pompous, arrogant prick. He turns the puck over constantly because he can’t deke or stickhandle, yet he insists on breaking out alone against 2+ defenders over and over again. The guy thinks he’s Gretzky. He has 66 career goals and 106 career points and wanted $7.5 million a year from the Bruins. That should tell you something.
Kessel is the LAST thing the Leafs need right now. Trade him and picks for Ilya Kovalchuk.