Well golly every year, every single prognosticator prognosticates upon who was, in fact, the big, big winners and the terrible, awful losers at the trade deadline.
As we all know, I am one of the most brilliant hockey minds around (I consider myself third only to Nick Kypreos and Dwayne Klessel), so I will tell you, all the stupid hockey fans that don’t know offsides from the offensive zone, who won and lost on this deadline day.
Now, when you tell your friends what I think about today’s transactions and pass it off as your own opinion, you will look like a freakin’ GENIUS.
The Phoenix Coyotes. They got rid of Derek Morris (awful), Olli Jokinen (ugly) and Dan Carcillo (stupid) and got a boatload of guys and picks back, including a first-round pick (good!), Matt Lombardi (handsome!), Scottie Upshall (smart!). They almost certainly had the best day of anyone.
The Calgary Flames. Olli Jokinen and Jordan Leopold make them a much better team than they were last night, and if that’s all it takes to be a winner, then you’ve got a winner on your hands, bubba.
The Boston Bruins. Spare parts for Mark Recchi, Steve Montador and a second-round pick. That’ll play.
The Toronto Maple Leafs. So long, lazy Russian! So long, useless turd! Hello, lots of draft picks! (What? They also picked up Martin Gerber? Uuuugh.)
The Buffalo Sabres. Re-signed Timmy Connolly AND got assurance that he will spend the entirety of the contract 100 percent healthy. Score.
The Pittsburgh Penguins. Gave up nothing for Bill Guerin. Okay cool.
Erik Cole. He gets to not live in Edmonton ever again.
The New York Rangers. They gave up a lot to get Derek Morris, and probably think Nik Antropov is going to help them. He isn’t.
The Ottawa Senators. They have to pay half of Martin Gerber’s salary and traded for a goalie with a history of injury problems that’s already done for the year. As Bryan Murray would say, “That shucksh.”
The Philadelphia Flyers. They gave up what for Dan Carcillo? They thought Kyle McLaren was worth trading anything for? Yeah alright.
Vesa Toskala. Oh you gave up only three goals on 52 shots last night? Hit the showers, kid, we’ve got Marty Gerber coming in from the AHL.
The Tampa Bay Lightning. This summer they traded Danny Boyle for Matt Carle and Ty Wishart. Then they traded Carle for Steve Downie and Steve Eminger. Then they traded Steve Eminger for Noah Welch and a third-round pick. So that trade again: Danny Boyle for Ty Wishart, Steve Downie, Noah Welch and a third-round pick. Great asset management.
The fans/everyone who ever doubted me. As I said on Puck Daddy, “Every year we get ourselves nice and pumped for the trade deadline … and what do we usually get? Nothin’. Maybe I’ll sleep in on Wednesday,” and they all LAUGHED at me! Well I wasn’t far off, was I smart guys? If I wasn’t a Flames fan (and I am, by the grace of God!), I would have felt rather upset with all of this. The best other player to go anywhere was either Erik Cole or Mark Recchi. Whoopie! No Bouwmeester, no Pronger, no Kaberle, no Gaborik. I would like you all to submit a written apology. You also had to listen to Pierre Maguire shout about nothing all day.
Patrick O’Sullivan. He has to move from Los Angeles to Edmonton. Hahahahaha.