The Two-Line Pass

The Lead

On Feb. 20, Dallas had a 77.52 percent chance of making the playoffs.

It is now 12:53 a.m. on March 31, just 38 days later, and the Stars have about a .37 or so percent chance of making it thanks to tonight’s 6-5 overtime loss to Phoenix, which might be the worst team in the league right now.

There are a lot of reasons why Dallas tanked it so god damn hard. The first, and most understandable, are the injuries to several important players, like Brad Richards and a couple others. The second is that a couple of teams, most notably those in the Central Division, have really turned it on of late.

But the most obvious (and least surprising, really) is the fact that goaltending is a killing them. Marty Turco’s a bum. A total bum who has cost his team almost literally any hope of a playoff berth. To wit, he has played in 17 of Dallas’ 19 games since the 4-2 win over Edmonton on Feb. 19. His GAA is 3.05 (obviously terrible), and his save percentage is .893 (somehow below his already-low season total of .897). As a basis for comparison, those are almost exactly Peter Budaj’s numbers for this year.

This is going to shock you, but because of that (and backup Tobias Stephan, who gave up six on 33 shots tonight and also blew it on March 1 when he gave up four goals on 23 shots to Pittsburgh), the Stars are 4-12-3 in the past 38 days. Which is hilarious and sad.

Now that the Rangers are playing vaguely well, can we just admit that Sean Avery was never a problem for the Stars and it was, in fact, all Marty Turco’s fault all along?

Because it was. Because he suuuuuuuuuuuucks.

(By the way, it is very rare that I get to use the “LOL Marty Turco” tag in reference to nights where he didn’t play. I am very glad for this opportunity.)

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The Lead

Opponent with a marquee name. Check. Eight goals in regulation. Check. Six-round shootout. Check. Home team wins. Check. Stereotypically apathetic professional sports market. Check. All of that in the American southeast. Check and mate!

Atlanta 5, New York Rangers 4 in a shootout. Yup, Gary Bettman’s dream for the New NHL was fully evident tonight.

Except the announced attendance was 13,157. And from watching on TV between periods in the Calgary game, I’d wager a good 35 to 40 percent of those were no-shows. I mean, Philips Arena looked like what a ghost would scribble down if you asked him to draw a ghost town. There was NO ONE in the building. And I’m judging that on the basis of other Thrashers games I’ve watched this year, so that’s SAYING something.

Last Sunday on Puck Daddy I noted that the Thrashers are really pushing hard to get the paid attendance up to an average of 14,000 so they could get some revenue-sharing money. Can’t imagine that campaign is going especially well, eh?

I’m not saying people should be lining up around the block to watch a Thrashers-Rangers game that means exactly zero in the grand scheme of things; the Rangers have a playoff spot all but locked up much to my chagrin, the Thrashers have nothing to play for, and Atlanta wouldn’t care about the Thrashers if Andre 3000 was asked to quarterback the power play (and don’t think they haven’t kicked that idea around the front office).

I just figure that, if *I* ran the Thrashers and *I* needed paid attendance to go through the roof in my remaining six home games or whatever, I’d start selling tickets for 50 cents a pop and offer a $1 cash back reward for each ticket purchased. Who cares at that point? Defrauding the NHL is the least of that team’s worries. Todd White’s on their top line for chrissakes.

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The Lead

Once upon a time, Andrew Raycroft was good at hockey. Believe it.

I still remember that 2003-04 season like it was yesterday. Stat line of 2.05/.926. A whopping 29 wins in 57 games. Bruins win the division and the East, then go up three games to one on the Habs in the first round. Then Razor gives up five goals, five goals and two goals in the final three games and the Bruins lose.

Raycroft still won the Calder, but he was officially cooked after that. The year after the lockout, his stats went from those above to 3.71/.879 in 30 games, of which he lost 19. The Bruins actually found a buyer for his sorry carcass and traded him to Toronto in the offseason (for Tuukka Rask, if you can believe that).

After two sorry, pitiable years with the Leafs (lines of 2.99/.894 in 72 games and 3.92/.876 in 19), he signed with the Avalanche in the offseason and has put up numbers that, as far as horror goes, are more Lovecraftian than Raycroftian.

Tonight has to have been the final nail in what was once such a promising career. In RELIEF of Peter Budaj, who gave up three goals on 21 shots in just under 40 minutes, Raycroft gave up four goals on eight shots, and the Avalanche lost to the Ducks 7-2 as this campaign (which in many ways resembles the Bataan Deathmarch) winds to a merciful close.

The only Rayzor any NHL teams will be looking for this offseason are of the “safety” variety so poor Andrew doesn’t do anything untoward on a grey November morning.

If this were an episode of “The Wire,” Raycroft’s career would be lying on a pool table while McNulty and Co. sang Pogues songs deep into the night. But it’s not “The Wire.” Andrew Raycroft isn’t a fictional character, no matter how evocative his goaltending style is of Greg Goldberg in the first 30 minutes of The Mighty Ducks.

This is a person we’re talking about. A person that’s as fit to be an NHL goaltender as you or I.

And that’s real goddamn sad.

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The Lead

It must be confusing as hell to cover the Sedins. The Stars had a bit of trouble with it tonight. It’s like the opening of the Patty Duke Show, only with Swedish guys. And goatees. And less choreography.

Those rascally boys combined for three goals and two assists as the Canucks pounded Dallas tonight 5-2.

The best part was when Mark Fistric high-sticked Daniel right in the kisser, knocking out a tooth or two and bloodying him up. Daniel then scored on a very nice redirect on that same power play before heading to the dressing room to get stitched up. That’s badass. Earlier in the game, Henrik caught a stick in the noodle as well. I’d like to see Patty Duke pull that off.

Another rad part of the game was when Steve Ott stepped out of the penalty box and low-bridged the absolute piss out of Taylor Pyatt (as he is wont to do), and Kevin Bieksa basically threatened to murder him in the resulting scrum. I wish more people would deal with Ott this way.

But then Ott did not get much in the way of retaliation, unfortunately. Marty Turco did instead, mainly because he came out to play the puck along the sideboards, turned his body to protect it from a coming forechecker (I believe it was Darcy Hordichuk), and promptly got cleaned out from behind. It was hilarious.

Then the Canucks broke it open in the third period and Ryan Kesler scored a gorgeous goal, his second of the night after getting his head stepped on, and Dallas completely imploded. Turco ended up giving up four goals on 21 shots.

I know that, as a Flames fan, I shouldn’t be rooting for the Canucks to win, but this game was so awesome I don’t care.

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The Lead

Actual words written on Puck Daddy today:

Puck Headlines: Has Chris Osgood finally quieted the critics?

• Scott Burnside of ESPN takes a stand against “the ranks of those caterwauling about the Detroit Red Wings goaltending” by interviewing Chris Osgood about his quiet turnaround since his mini-vacation: Four wins in a row, and giving up three or less in each of them. Money quote: “I was kind of expecting to pick up where I left off last year against Pittsburgh … In reality, that’s just not going to happen because that was like a two-month zone. In that aspect, I put too much pressure on thinking I’ve got to be that guy throughout the whole year instead of just playing game by game and being me.” [ESPN]

Well it looks like Scott Burnside better check his hat in the morning, since Chris Osgood just deposited some of his feces on the inside of it, and there may have been some splashback as well.

Ozzie did nothing to disprove any of the critics, giving up three goals on 13 shots to Calgary tonight, all of which were so soft you could easily pass them as the fancy kind of toilet paper. He got the hook after 25:38. Detroit went on to lose 5-3.

But good news, Scott Burnside: he didn’t get the loss! What he did get, though, was the stunning realization that he still suuuuuuuh-huuuuuuuuuuuuucks at goaltending, just as badly as you do at prognosticating.

I imagine Burnside in his Atlanta home, just thinking to himself, “Hmmmm, let me see here. What WILLLLLLLL this goaltender who has been eye-bleedingly godawful all season do? Will he do well enough to win on the best on-paper team in the NHL, as he has for the last week and a half, or will he just revert back to his ol’ 3.whatever/.880whatever self that he’d been for the prior 35 games?” Real friggin’ noodle-scratcher, Burnside. You’re a chucklehead. Go run a lap.

The real victim in this is Ty Conklin, who did take the loss because he had the unmitigated AUDACITY to give up one goal on 12 shots! Unbelievable! If Conklin wasn’t so incredibly familiar with how bad it sucks to be Ty Conklin, I would use this as a prime example.

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The Lead

Old hockey adage: “Good things happen when you shoot the puck.”

Oh look here’s Rick Nash.

God Cristobal Huet sucked tonight. Four goals against on 27 shots, including that one, which was not only embarrassing, but also the game-tying goal that sent it to overtime, and the Blackhawks dropped another incredibly winnable game, this time 4-3 in OT.

That makes four losses in a row for Chicago, and they’ve won only once in regulation in the last 12 games. Those footsteps they hear belong to the Vancouver Canucks, who are now just one point back of the fourth and final playoff spot in the Western Conference.

This is now officially Chicago’s longest stretch without a win since they fired Denis Savard four games into the season. Good to see them picking it up at the right time, and good to see Huet’s worked out so well for them.

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The Lead

This is going to shock you, but Kari Lehtonen is going to be a restricted free agent this summer.

No no, I’m as surprised as you! Because it wasn’t that he’d allowed just five goals on 121 shots and posted two shutouts over the four games preceding tonight’s Thrashers/Capitals game. Obviously.

No, he felt he’d have to top that with a 49-save performance in Atlanta’s utter dismantling of the Southeast-leading Caps, who came into the game with the fourth-most goals in the entire NHL, 5-1. It was a performance so good that the people over at NHL.com who decide these things deemed nine of his saves to be highlight-reel material. Nine. That’s a lot of highlights for most total GAMES on NHL.com, and Lehtonen got that by himself (’course, the Atlanta defense had a big hand in that by helping him not at all.

But the best came in the third period when somehow Alex Semin got all alone in front of the net and Lehtonen went all the way across the crease and stacked the pads to kick it out.

It was a stunning performance, ruined only by a goal from Eric Fehr with 1:15 to go.

Facing 50 shots from Washington, even without Mike Green in the lineup and 20 of those coming from Alex Ovechkin, Nicklas Backstrom and Semin by themselves, AND living to tell the tale? That’s awful impressive.

Don Waddell must be wondering if he should’ve traded Lehtonen at the deadline after all, because that Finnish son of a bitch is going to cost a lot of money or at least make him play a lot more Final Fantasy. Either way, it’s a bad situation.

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The Lead

In the late afternoon, someone dropped this comment on my internetting website:

Still waiting on the recap of how wonderful Jokinen’s been for the Flames. That was a good piece:

http://thetwolinepass.com/2009/03/good-night-which-scary-looking-freak-is-laughing-now/

Really enjoyed the one goal he’s scored the past three games, and the three game-losing streak. He was a BADASS deadline pickup. You’re right! YEAH!

Wellity wellity wellity. Hows about the two goals and the shootout-winning goal he scored tonight? How about it, eh? Mr. Jokinen and myself anxiously await your heartfelt apology.

Here, then, is your “recap of how wonderful Jokinen’s been for the Flames:” SUPER F’N WONDERFUL, THAT’S HOW! Three goals in four games and five in five since joining Calgary. How’s that grab ya, buddy? Plus a shootout game-winner. Is that awesome enough? Where does it rate on your scale of “BADASS”-ery?

Olli Jokinen was a third-period monster for the Flames tonight, scoring what was, at the time, the game-tying goal and helping Calgary dictate the pace and tone of the game against Detroit that his new team ended up winning 6-5 in a shootout.

If these are the side effects of dressing room cancer, please, please give me a friggin’ unhealthy crapload of it, because tonight’s game was so awesome that I can’t even stand it. Jokinen scored twice tonight in addition to the aforementioned shootout winner, keying Calgary’s comeback that many in the business would consider, umm, improbable.

For one, Calgary was outshot in the first period an incredible 28-4. For real. It also had 21 more penalty minutes than did the Red Wings, who benefited from one weaksauce call after another (one need only look at Dion Phaneuf’s 5-minute “boarding” penalty on Dan Cleary to see the ludicrosity (that MUST be a word) of the calls the Flames were catching tonight). And yet, after killing off what must have been six minutes of 5-on-3 hockey, the Flames entered the dressing room down 2-1. Then things kind of got away from the Flames, who trailed 4-2 for the majority of the second and third period.

I, admittedly, had written the game off as a lost cause, and certainly found myself shocked by Jamie Lundmark’s two-goal night that, along with Jokinen’s third-period marker, put the Flames up 5-4 (thanks to three goals in 3:12 late in the third) before Jokinen broke his stick while Detroit had the extra attacker on and scored the game-tying goal.

Mike Cammalleri and Jokinen scored very nice shootout goals to lock up the win. Miikka Kiprusoff, by the way, made 36 saves, many of which bordered on miraculous, and earned the win.

Best game I’ve watched all season, and there’s not even a close second.

And really, I still cannot believe it.

Interestingly, later in the day, the same commenter from above also posted this:

Watched him vs. Carolina … he was his normal aquarium-headed self.

Jokinen’s always been the first- or second-best player on losing teams. That’s his M.O.

Yeah, how’d that work out tonight? Ol’ Aquarmium-head SMOKED one of the two best teams in the NHL. The other player that did it was Jamie Friggin’ Lundmark.

Guess I was right once again.

“LC,” the fantabulous Mr. Jokinen and I accept your apology preemptively. Because we’re that f’n amazing.

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The Lead

Well the Hurricanes lost tonight to the Chicago Blackhawks in a shootout, 3-2. But that’s okay.

Because the Hurricanes try hard every game.

I mean, yeah, sure, they MAY have allowed 41 shots, but it’s not like they meant to. The defense wore its heart on its sleeve tonight and put in 110 percent. That’s ALL you can ask! And sure, you can look at all those breakaways and odd-man rushes they allowed, but that’s because the defense was SO focused on helping the team score that they simply forgot Patrick Kane was all alone behind them. That’s a mistake ANYONE can make. Sometimes ya just gotta laugh it off, that’s what I say.

And how ’bout that offense? Oh doctor they almost scored so many times I couldn’t believe it! If I was scoring the game, I would have just given them a couple goals for trying so hard, boy howdy. Know who I thought was great tonight, too, was Eric Staal. Boy that guy can just dominate a game like nobody else in his salary range. He had a secondary assist tonight! Gosh that’s tough to do. And on the power play to boot. It’s the total effort Staal puts in every night that makes him so valuable. Just go watch the highlights on NHL.com and see how hard he skates to get back after he misses a scoring opportunity. Staal wears an “A” on his chest, and I think it’s because he’s “Always trying!” LOL!

Really what we should be doing is not keeping score at all. As long as everyone comes out feeling good about themselves and smiling, that’s the most important thing. Wouldn’t want any feelings to get hurt, now would we?!

Here are my No. 1 stars for tonight.

1t) Denis Sidenberg - Good worker!
Tim Gleason - Lots of hard skating!
Nik Wallin - Lots of good talk on the bench!
Matt Cullen - Great teammate!
Eric Staal - Got a point!
Ray Whitney - Great asset to the team!
Sergei Samsonov - Very tricky moves!
Tuomo Ruutu - Never gave up!
Rod Brind’Amour - Great Goal!
Mike Ryan - Strong effort!
Joni Pitkanen - Good thinker!
Erik Cole - Stayed positive!
Anton Babchuk - Tried to stay out of the box!
Jussi Jokinen - Shootout specialist!
Tim Conboy - Helped set a strong tone!
Pat Eaves - Keep it up!
Chad Larose - Good leadership!
Joe Corvo - Always listens!
Cam Ward - What a game!

2) Jonathan Toews - Goals in regulation and the shootout won the game for Chicago

3) Cristobal Huet - Made lots of hard saves >:(

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Well apparently, three-ish days after the fact, “Bubba” over at Canes Country is getting after me for my criticism of Eric Staal over at Puck Daddy.

The crux of my argument was this: If I were a ‘Canes fan, I would be incredibly frustrated by the inconsistent play of Eric Staal. This was somehow massively offensive and tipped off a 700-or-so-word rant about what a clown I was (well, they kind of lumped me in with Mr. L. Gregory Wyshynski as though we were the same person. We are not).

So here is my retort, because, as the person that e-mailed me this told me, I need to “Smarten up,” which is something moms say.

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