I’m not made of stone. I’m a man just like you, dear readers.
And so when I heard they were remaking Slap Shot, I said to myself, “This is literally the worst idea anyone in Hollywood has ever had.” And I said that as someone who had recently seen M. Night Shyamalan’s two latest films.
Now, sure, the guy who directed the Fun with Dick and Jane remake is directing it (unwatchable), the guy who wrote Analyze That (cat turds) is writing it, and the executive producer of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (abortion) as well as the producer of Mr. 3000 (so bad it killed Bernie Mac four years later) are producing it.
But I’m not worried about this one bit. I realized it would be nearly impossible you screw up something as simple to write and fall-down funny as a simple remake of the classic Slap Shot. But as a person who, at 11 years old, won a Slap Shot trivia contest hosted by the Hanson Brothers in a bar full of men between 2.5 and three times my age, I think it would be prudent to allow me to make a few suggestions for casting.
For example, you would be hard-pressed to find someone — anyone — as perfectly suited for the role of Reg Dunlop as the late, great man who already played him once: Paul Newman. With this in mind, the first person I would cast in this movie is, of course, Zombie Paul Newman.
It works with a few rewrites (”Scouts?” -> “Braaaaains?”, etc.).
Next is the obvious problem of casting the Hanson Brothers. Not just anyone can play a bunch of mentally retarded thugs, right?
I think the guy who did the best job in the movie, all things considered, was Mike Ontkean, who of course played college prettyboy Ned Braden. He was basically an aspiring, not entirely successful, actor that just happened to be perfect for the role. So who today could pull off his natural charm, charisma and wit?
Vince from Shamwow! If he can get you to buy an awful towel with no absorbtive abilities, he can pull off this role in such a way that you’ll be saying, “WOW!”
Ogie Ogilthorpe? Obvious.
And because no movie remake is complete without a jive-talkin’, street-wise sassy gal to keep the laughs a-rollin’ in and all the other characters in line, the role of Joe McGrath will be slightly rewritten as Josephine McGrath. It will be played by a woman that, because of her role on “Curb Your Enthusiasm,” we know can really give a guy the business: Wanda Sykes.
“Boy you know you be gettin’ out there for that fashion show now! Can’t have y’all wigglin’ yo dicks out there!”