The Two-Line Pass

Because I tend to not blog on the weekends, here is a feature that will run through the entire season. It aims to recap the weekend’s events and boils those events down to one admittedly superficial fact about each team that played. And hell, there’s a ton of other crap for me to blather on about too. And yes, I’m totally ripping off just about every other blogger ever’s weekly column, but that’s something you’ll have to deal with on your own time.

Danger: This post contains language that some people might not like. This will be the only thing on the site that regularly does so.

It would be a hell of a goddamned idea for the Tampa Bay Lightning to get out from under the weight of the Vinny Lecavalier contract.

Let’s be honest: they’re probably not going to be good enough to win a Cup under the current management, even with Lecavalier, who’s one of the best players in the world. Plus the time to move him, should they want to do so, is now. That big 11-year, $85 million contract seems a little silly and unwieldy now that the team is going broke and also sucks a great deal.

What the Bolts could get for Vinny’s services from an overeager team (see: Canadies, Montreal) would far outweigh his benefit to the team in terms of on-ice production, money invested per position, hockey asset management and cap number. And with Marty St. Louis’ contract coming off the books after this season, it would give Tampa a pretty decent amount of money with which to tinker in the offseason, though that does not specifically guarantee they’ll make anything resembling a good move with it.

The problem, of course, is why any team would want to trade for Lecavalier, outside the obvious “He’s one of the top five players in the league” argument, which is admittedly valid. Just as the Bolts would benefit from players and assets and cap space gained from the trade, it seems to me that it’s exceedingly unlikely that a team wouldn’t be hurt, and badly, by giving up what it takes to get Lecavalier.

Earlier this week, Bob McKenzie reported that the package Montreal was pushing for Vinny was, at the time, rumored to be “Tomas Plekanec, Chris Higgins, prospect P.K. Subban, Josh Gorges and a package of draft picks including more than one first-round pick going to Tampa.” That’s a lot to give up for anyone  (bodies-wise, though if that’s all it takes to get the deal done, someone should be investigated for collusion) and certainly that’s a good jumping-off point, but that deal also doesn’t have the oomph provided by the Mike Komisareks or both the Kostitsyns. Whatever the final package ends up being, if Lecavalier does get moved, it will include at least that much and very probably a great deal more.

The problem with this whole rumor, though, is that no one in the league should be stupid enough to make a deal of this kind. Yes, great, you’re getting Vincent Lecavalier, who has 200 points in his previous two seasons and averages close to 50 goals and is awesome. But the problem is that you have his insane contract that kicks in next year, guarantees a cap hit of $7.4 million or so over the next 11 years, and includes a no-movement clause.

That contract might be a pretty good deal for the first five years or so, when Vinny is 29 to 34 and still not in the waning years. But six years from today, he’s still going to have five and a half years left on that contract, and you won’t be able to move him, save for a buyout of some kind (and I’m not familiar enough with the CBA to know if a buyout is possible if a player has a NMC, but I assume it is).

Frankly, the only contract of this type I would take right now, and that’s assuming he ever goes on the market, which he won’t, is Alex Ovechkin’s. Because while he’s more expensive, at least you have him under control for pretty much the entirety of his 20s and early 30s. Trading for Lecavalier’s contract, though, would just be stupid.

What We Learned

Anaheim —Did you know that after this season, the Ducks have to start signing pretty much everyone on the team that isn’t Ryan Getzlaf, Corey Perry, Chris Kunitz, Bobby Ryan, Chris Pronger, JS Giguere and Jonas Hiller? And they have $36.3 million or so invested in just those guys. If the cap goes down to $52 million like they say it will, that leaves about $16 million to sign 13 players. Good luck!

Atlanta — Hey so last week I was like “Oh man they put Rich Peverly on Kovalchuk’s line what a bunch of idiots.” Well he’s played three games with Atlanta and his line’s 1-5-6. Shows what the fuck I know.

Boston — Both Andrew Ference and Patrice Bergeron were taken off injured reserve ahead of Saturday’s game with Washington. Neither played, but that’s a step in the right direction. What’s amazing is that the Bruins are the No. 2 team in the league (points-wise) but are in the top five in terms of man-games lost to injury. Not really sure any other of the top five or six teams could do what Boston has done this year.

Buffalo — For all you non-Sabres fans, imagine what life would be like if you had Andrej Sekera and Toni Lydman eating up 21-plus minutes a night each. For all you Sabres fans, I’m sorry that you have to.

Calgary — Y’know, after thinking long and hard about this, there is one thing I don’t like about Jarome Iginla: he fights with his visor on.

Goddamn it do I hate when players do that. I’m all for guys wearing a visor when they play, but if you’re going to fight, take the friggin’ fish bowl off your head so you can actually get popped in the mouth fair and square. It’s stupid and anyone that fights with their visor on should get kicked out of the game.

Carolina — So the ‘Canes are “staying the course.” Not because they think they’ll continue this five-game skid long enough to back into a lottery spot, but because they think they can make the playoffs with no significant roster moves. With all due respect, is Jim Rutherford out of his mind? Big dog, Matt Cullen is getting top-six minutes on your team, and you don’t think you need to make a roster move? Ooooookay pal.

Chicago — Further proof that Jonathan Toews is a robot that has not been programmed to display human emotion comes in yet another Sarah Spain interview. “Oh hi Jonny jeez I’m a pretty girl asking silly questions tee hee do you ever get to relax?” “Oh ya know boringanswerboringanswerboringanswer shoot the puck more.” God, I’d die of boredom if I had to talk to Toews every day for a job.

Colorado — Ryan Smyth and Milan Hejduk both scored their 300th goals tonight. And since they did it against the Flames, I will snarkily belittle their careers like so: can you think of two more mediocre players that get paid as much as Smyth and Hejduk? Colorado’s on the hook for $10.5 million for them this year.

Columbus — As good a place as any to talk about the whole Wade Dubliewicz debacle. Hockey’s a business and all that, but it’s kind of a dick move. Dubliewicz doesn’t want to be in Columbus and they don’t need him. I think Steve Mason’s doing a pretty okay job, even if he did give up five to Vancouver tonight.

Dallas —Holy tapdancing Jesus, Stephane Robidas is going to be an All-Star. They are stretching the definition of the word “star” to a limit that science once imagined was impossible. If you’re going to take a no-offense defenseman (most are as noble and overlooked an All-Star selection as any), at least do me a goddamn favor and take Robyn Regehr. He’s actually, y’know, having a really good year.

Detroit — Here’s something that made my brain hurt: if the Canadiens are the Yankees of hockey, then the Red Wings are the Boston Red Sox.

For a span of about five years there in the late 1990s and early 2000s, Detroit played every game (home and road) before a sellout. That’s an amazing statistic.

Well great, but now the Red Wings can’t sell out a goddamn game if their lives depended on it (”THE ECONOMY,” comes the cries of Detroit apologists who fail to realize that EVERYWHERE IN THE WORLD is in a recession right now). But what really made me laugh was this part:

Maple Leafs fans would argue that they’re the “Manchester United” of hockey

Except United has won more trophies in the last five years than Toronto has wins this year. That whole post, like almost everything associated with the Detroit hockey media, is self-serving, homeristic drek.

Edmonton — What? Two chances in a row to talk about soccer and hockey at the same time? Sign me up. Edmonton is currently negotiating to have Serie A frontrunners Inter Milan play an exhibition game in E-Town against a South American power as part of Alberta’s 100th anniversary of having soccer exist as a sport. That’s awesome but Inter are fools if they do it. Imagine leaving the glamor of Milan to play on a dreary frozen tundra in front of 58 disinterested drunken Edmontonians? Zlatan Ibrahimovic would cut his wrists.

Florida — The last time the Panthers were this high in the standings this late in the season was 2000. That’s an insanely long time. But you know Miami isn’t a hockey town when they have to put this in the second paragraph of a story about the Panthers’ playoff hopes: “The top eight teams advance to the postseason.” Well no shit.

Los Angeles — Okay, it’s decided. I’ve seen everything I needed to see and as such have officially compiled my list of the Top 10 films of 2008. The list, for those who care, follows:

1. Wall-E. It’s very rare that a movie for children resonates on such a primal level as does this one. The visuals are masterfully created and captivating, the story is solid enough and the decision to have a cartoon with no actual dialog for the opening 40 minutes is bold.

2. Let the Right One In. I haven’t actually talked to too many people that have seen this, a Swedish vampire film that’s less about vampires and more about pre-teen awkwardness and acceptance. The whole thing is just very well-constructed and if you just want to show up for the gore, there’s plenty of that, especially in the haunting opening scene.

3. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. I know, I know, it’s basically Forrest Gump without the overbearing moralism, but I chose this (much) less because of the script problems and rehashed gimmickry of Eric Roth’s screenplay and more for the directing job done by David Fincher, who will be hard-pressed to match the work he did here, and the acting of Brad Pitt and Cate Blanchett. They were both very much on top of their games.

4. Milk. With an ensemble cast as big as this, it’s an astounding achievement that everybody brought their “A” games. Sean Penn, once tipped for an Oscar nod, had perhaps the weakest performance of the film’s primary players. That’s saying something, isn’t it? Emile Hirsch: Excellent. Josh Brolin: rebounded extremely well from his unfortunate performance as the title character in W. James Franco: As good as he can be. So-so script and subpar visual direction were all that held this from the No. 3 spot.

5. Frost/Nixon. Despite a pretty straightforward, unnuanced script that was not unlike every Mighty Ducks movie you’ve ever seen, at least in spirit (and yes, there was a “We’re Getting Serious Now” montage), the performances made everything seem acutely focused. Frank Langella and Michael Sheen, reprising their roles from the Tony Award-winning Broadway play of the same name as Richard Nixon and David Frost, respectively, were excellent, and Langella especially was sensational as the infinitely lonely, surprisingly witty ex-president, to the point where he was almost sympathetic.

6. Slumdog Millionaire. I went in with higher hopes for this one, but it was one of those Disney Movie-type scripts where the end, right from the beginning, is never in doubt, no matter how much manufactured, phony drama was inserted at the end. Director Danny Boyle, who deserves some Oscar consideration for his work, was at his best, and the performances, particularly from the child actors in the first two acts, were strong.

7. The Wrestler. If Mickey Rourke did indeed take steroids in preparation for this film, he used them to great effect in hefting an entire movie onto his back. Imagine the last half of The Natural stretched for two hours, but instead of baseball, it’s Rourke getting a staple gun in the chest and then being suplexed off a ladder through a barbed wire table. Regardless of how you wish to interpret the ending (I won’t spoil it), Rourke’s Randy “The Ram” Robinson is as flawed and tragic a hero as I’ve seen in a film in several years.

8. Revolutionary Road. Unless you are desperately trying to get out of a bad relationship and wish to give yourselves a good, hard shove in that direction, I wouldn’t suggest this as a date movie, that’s for sure. It’s two-plus hours of Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet screaming and crushing one another’s dreams. Both are the actor and actress of their generation, so in creating this small, performance-driven world, director Sam Mendes (Winslet’s husband) could not have picked two better principals. And Michael Shannon’s brief but unbelievable appearances as a neighbor’s emotionally disturbed son who speaks without a filter is just outstanding.

9. The Reader. Kate Winslet’s Holocaust picture may not have set the world on fire as a whole, but it did feature her best individual work in years (that’s saying something) and also got an above-average performance from Ralph Fiennes, who is rarely not worth watching in anything he does. It’s not like you haven’t seen this movie before, but the acting carried it with surprising aplomb. Also, if you’ve been wanting to see Winslet do full frontal nudity, this is your film.

10. In Bruges. A very small, human, black comedy about a very boring town in Belgium. Both Colin Farrell and Brendan Gleeson are hysterically funny for different reasons and several of the scenes pull off both slapstick and wit with skill, which is no small task. I’m not saying this is Peter Sellers by any stretch of the imagination, but it was easily the funniest comedy of the year. It was writer/director Martin McDonagh’s feature-length, big-screen debut (he had previously written and directed an Oscar-winning short film also starring Gleeson), and the strength of this film alone has sold me on his next project, whatever that is.

Honorable mention: Burn After Reading, Doubt, The Dark Knight (for Heath Ledger’s performance only, the rest of it was a mess), Rachel Getting Married, Synedoche, New York

Okay, debate amongst yourselves.

Minnesota — Isn’t it fun to see a non-hockey columnist try to discuss a hockey issue about which they know zip a month and a half too late? As a Boston resident, I get to see it all the time now that the Bruins are relevant again. In this piece from the Star-Tribune, Jim Souhan gets right to the bottom of things and boldly states: “Sure, the bridge might be burned, but keeping [Marian Gaborik] would solve the Wild’s problems.” Bang-up job, Jimbo. Keep up the good work.

Montreal — Hockey’s worth bringing up as far as ESPN’s irrelevant magazine is concerned. Carey Price is on the cover this week!

Nashville — The Preds were set to rely heavily upon the offensive contributions of a few young players this season. How’d that work out? Oh, not good.

New Jersey — Someone’s gotta sit when Brendan Shanahan gets back in game shape (should be before the All-Star break, by all indications), but the problem is that nobody, not the players or coaches, have any idea who that person would be.

New York Islanders — I remember a few years ago the Islanders started to hold training camp in like Newfoundland or somewhere like that. One of the Maritimes, anyway. Struck me as kinda weird. Next year it’s even weirder: Saskatoon. ‘Course, the Isles have to be looking to move out of their decrepit building soon. Y’think Saskatoon could use an NHL team?

New York Rangers — I took great joy in watching Sidney Crosby torch Wade Redden in the NBC game this afternoon. Great pleasure. My friend Rich often criticizes me for what he feels is unwarranted Ranger bashing, but there’s just something about the team that’s just so hateable this year. I don’t know what it is. The sense of entitlement, maybe. Or the belief that the additions of Markus Naslund and Wade Redden would get them over the hump and go deep into the playoffs.

Ottawa —Has society really come to this? Fake Twitter feeds for NHL players? Christ. ‘Course, I’m not an NHL player, but you can follow my Twitter feed and get updates once every two weeks just like all the other unfortunate clowns that have signed up. Suckers.

Philadelphia — Made-up Bruce Garrioch rumor of the week: The Flyers are shopping Briere. Except he’s in the second year of an eight-year deal and he has a no movement clause. Other than that, yeah, they’re boxing his shit up right now.

Phoenix — Goddamn Coyotes. First they beat Calgary last night then LOSE TO EDMONTON tonight. And they gave up a hat trick to fucking Ethan Moreau. Do you understand how upsetting this is to me? Clearly you do not. I’m well on my way to an ulcer just thinking about it.

Pittsburgh — Hoo boy. Which one is the goalie they traded away with a forward and a fourth-round pick, and which is the one they acquired?

Goalie A: 19 GP, 989 minutes, 6-8-2, .438 win%, 2.85 GAA, .898 sv%
Goalie B: 15 GP, 815 minutes, 6-8-0, .429 win%, 3.17 GAA, .895 sv%

THE ANSWER MAY SURPRISE YOU!

Why are the penguins, who are playing with half an AHL team because of injuries already, trading away depth forwards for a backup goalie? When I saw the Pens made a trade, I assumed it was picks for a third-line forward. I didn’t think Shero would trade two roster players AND a pick for a worse backup. He is quite terrible at his job.

San Jose — Stephane Robidas will have some company at the All-Star Game. Patrick Marleau was also named to the team as an injury replacement. Somewhere, Rob Blake is sitting in his room and crying over this. And by the way, if you didn’t see the Sharks’ 6-4 win over the Wings on Saturday night, please do anything in your power (including murdering a close friend) to see it. It was that great.

St. Louis — The biggest surprise to me in reading this story about Andy MacDonald beginning talks of an extension with the Blues: Andy Mac is 31 years old. When the hell did that happen? It was like when I read that Dwayne Roloson was 39 years old and said, “Jesus Christ, I watched him play in college when I was like 11.” It didn’t seem THAT long ago.

Tampa Bay — Know who’s playing well for Tampa right now? That kid from from the U of Michigan who stole his teammate’s credit card and bought a whole bunch of stuff online. “His agent, Steve Bartlett, said his client is in a pretrial diversion program that will clear his record if he stays out of trouble during a year of probation. Bartlett also pleaded that whatever is written about Quick stress the positive.” Yeah, I bet.

Toronto — One of my favorite features on any blog: PPP’s NNN, the Negative Nancy Notebook. Something about the point-counterpoint on stupid statements for which people don’t normally get called out really entertains me. Fortunately, they haven’t taken a run me yet (there is, sadly, still time).

Vancouver — Roberto Luongo has been back for two games and has given up nine goals. Is there any way to put him back on IR this quickly?

Washington — That game they played against Boston on Saturday was awesome, and it reminded me of another All-Star snub: Mike Green. He sniped the dogshit out of that corner over Tim Thomas to score a very nice goal, and he’ll be sitting at home because of Mike Komisarek? Come on.

Play of the Weekend

It’s not hockey, but it’s the hardest hit you’re gonna see this weekend. Ryan Clark cleaned Willis McGahee out pretty good, didn’t he?

Jesus. Keep your head up, Willis.

Gold Star Award

I never thought I’d say this in my entire life, but Ethan Moreau was the best point producer in the NHL this weekend. What the hell?

Next week’s game I’m totally going to watch on Center Ice if I’m home

Very slim pickings this week since the All-Star break starts on Thursday, but I guess I’ll go with Montreal and New Jersey on Wednesday. That should be pretty good, I guess.

Event that should replace the shootout and would be just as relevant to hockey skill

Def Poetry Jam.

Soccer update only I care about

Liverpool don’t play until tomorrow, when they face Everton in the Merseyside Derby. Please, my dear Reds, crush those Toffees into a fine paste and then spread it on some bread for a nice lunch.

College hockey update only I care about

Lowell beat No. 12 Boston College on the road, on NESN, in overtime. Very cool. But Lowell also lost to UMass at home, which is not so cool.

The No. 1 DVD I own and kind of want to watch this week but likely will not

Recently I read this article and I started thinking about how cool that opening battle scene in Gladiator was when I was still in high school. Popped in the DVD last night to see if it held up. It did not. Think of the battle scenes from Lord of the Rings, take out the goodish CGI and move the camera around a lot, and that’s what this was. I fell asleep like 45 minutes into the movie, so maybe I’ll finish it this week. (Naaaaaah.)

P.S. Joaquin Phoenix is a remarkably bad actor.

An update on last week’s “No. 1 DVD I own and kind of want to watch this week but likely will not“

I have yet to start rewatching The Wire, simply because it’s an incredibly large task and I feel I need to give myself adequate time to tackle it properly with the respect it deserves.

Perfect HFBoards trade proposal of the week

From user “orehsyar” comes this humdinger:

To PIT:

Mathieu Garon

To EDM:

Dany Sabourin
Ryan Stone
2011 4th rounder

What do u guys think?

Hmmmm. Looks pretty bad to me.

Signoff in a language that’s not English

This entry was posted on Monday, January 19th, 2009 at 5:37 am and is filed under What We Learned. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.