The Two-Line Pass

So yesterday, NHL COO John Collins was interviewed by Bloomberg News about the possibile locations of future Winter Classics. He threw out the usual, standard-fare options that would be great (Fenway, Yankee Stadium, Penn State). Everyone would love to see outdoor games in those cities. It would be awesome.

But then the interview headed to Weirdsville in a goddamn hurry.

NHL representatives recently visited Las Vegas in part to gauge the feasibility of staging a Jan. 1 game on Las Vegas Boulevard South, the area known as “the Strip,” Collins said.

“Logistically, it could happen,” he said.

Could it? Could it really? When I read this, I phoned a friend of mine who lives in Las Vegas. Midday temps in Vegas on New Years Day: 45 degrees. Midday temps in Vegas right this second: 70. So what logistical circumstances, outside the construction of a super villain-type weather machine (surely to be built in Gary Bettman’s Lab for Desecration of the Sport that I’m convinced exists), would allow for the game to be played in these conditions?

I’m pretty sure I remember people in Chicago flipping the hell out when it was like 50 out and they were worried about that affecting ice quality. Imagine Shane Doan taking a header into the boards because he hit a puddle caused by a week of 65-degree days in the lead-up to the game. Ridiculous, stupid idea.

Oh but you wanted to hear a worse one? Take it away, Collins:

A Jan. 1 date would likely make for better playing conditions. Prior to this year’s game, the NHL also spent more than $1 million on a custom-made refrigeration truck and other equipment, allowing for better control of the ice surface.

“The new rink opens up a lot of opportunities,” Collins said. “We might even be able to have a night game out at the Rose Bowl.”

Yeah it was 70 in L.A. on New Years’ Day. And I’m pretty sure the Rose Bowl is all booked up on Jan. 1 anyways. I believe they’ve played something called THE F’N ROSE BOWL on it every New Years’ Day for the past 95 years. Collins has to be talking out of his ass.

What is with the NHL’s obsession with taking something special and widely regarded as “good” (Outdoor games! Big crowds! Record ratings!) and changing it for no goddamn reason whatsoever?

But because the Rose Bowl might not be feasible, I have come up with several places that will serve as suitable substitutes for an upcoming Winter Classic:

Rio de Janiero, Brazil: Three words: Legalized sex trade… no, wait, “World Cup infrastructure.” They’re hosting in 2014, so why not, right? I saw that movie Cidade de Deus and it seemed like a place that’s more or less on par with Las Vegas as far as sleaze goes. Plus, they have that bitchin’ carnival every year with all those dancing post-op transsexuals (good news for Darren McCarty!). Also, Brazilian people love the sport of hockey. Only played on a bigger rink. And the rink is grass. And the goals are bigger. And you have to kick the puck. And the puck is a soccer ball.

Dubai, United Arab Emirates: All those guys with oil money will pay ridiculous sums for just about anything, and the money generated from this game could singlehandedly save the Coyotes from bankruptcy for at least the next month. What better way to impress the Arab world with the magnificent sport of hockey than by having the sport’s premier annual event on top of the Burj or something? Camels could be referees! With January highs in the mid-70s, “logistically, it could happen.”

Hell, Underground: If I’m remembering my Dante correctly, at least ONE of those seven circles was really cold. That’d be perfect. Plus, if the Ducks play in that game, it would give Chris Pronger and Corey Perry a good chance to pick out some real estate for when they finally drop.

The Sun, Center of our Solar System: Think of the headlines: “The world literally revolves around hockey!” It would lead SportsCenter. Bettman would love that.

This entry was posted on Thursday, January 15th, 2009 at 4:46 pm and is filed under Newz You Can Uze. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.