The Two-Line Pass

Yeah, pretty fuckin' much.

Because I tend to not blog on the weekends, here is a feature that will run through the entire season. It aims to recap the weekend’s events and boils those events down to one admittedly superficial fact about each team. And hell, there’s a ton of other crap for me to blather on about too. And yes, I’m totally ripping off just about every other blogger ever’s weekly column, but that’s something you’ll have to deal with on your own time.

Danger: This post contains language that some people might not like. This will be the only thing on the site that regularly does so.

I don’t get why World Juniors is so entertaining. On paper, you wouldn’t watch these hockey games with a nail gun to your temple. Yeah, great, one-sided blowouts for a week straight, then good hockey starts. Know what? Come get me in a week.

And yet, most hockey diehards, and I’m including myself here, go bonkers for it every year. Can it possibly be that the allure of seeing the potential No. 1 overall pick in the coming summer’s Entry Draft is just too much to refuse?

Take today’s Canada/Kazakhstan game, just as a ferinstance. Canada won 15-0. I don’t care how many of those goals John Tavares had (just one, for the record), no chance to glimpse future greatness should be worth sitting through a 15-0 win that falls just short of sexual assault. I mean, everyone knew going in that it would be ugly. On TSN they were talking about the possibility that Canada broke its all-time World Juniors record of 18 goals, and for a while it looked like they could if they hadn’t pulled up a bit in the third period before one of the Kazakh players flipped off a referee and forced Canada’s hand with a seven-minute power play to end the game. It was the 11th goal that really broke the game wide open. Without looking at a box score or anything (of which none seem to be available), I will go out on a limb and say that Canada scored three times on the man advantage, but cannot be too sure.

It’s funny though, right? Ha ha, those poor kids from Kazakhstan had to play fucking CANADA like 19 hours after their 9-0 loss to Germany finished. Hilarious. I’m not one of these guys like Pierre McGuire who’s saying that goal differential needs to be eliminated from the tournament or capped at +5 per game or something stupid like that. Let’s look at this logically though.

We know that, every year, the World Juniors is going to feature some frightfully bad teams. Not always Kazakh-bad, of course (I read somewhere that they had 30 kids go out for the team at all. Canada and the US probably considered 100 each), but bad nonetheless. As a result of the war crimes he witnessed in Ottawa today, Bob Mackenzie penned a little column about dropping the tournament from an absurd 10 teams to a much more palatable eight. Frankly, he doesn’t go far enough.

This should be a six-team tournament. That’s it. Every year you know that there are going to be six teams playing for three medals. Canada will ALWAYS be there. Russia and the United States usually will be. Sweden, Finland and the Czech Republic will make the occasional rise into the top three. Why do we really need even middling teams like Germany to show up and get stomped by the true hockey powers of the world? What’s it prove?

I had a peek at the results of the 10 games so far just to see if there was any logical argument for keeping it at 10 or even eight teams. Only one involving the Big Six and an inferior hockey nation, Sweden’s 3-1 win over very-occasional fourth-place interloper Slovakia, was especially close. In fact, in the four games between Big Sixers and others, Big Sixers have a +24 goal differential. (And with Germany/Canada and Sweden/Latvia tomorrow, it’s going to get much wider than +4 goals a night.) Why even play these games?

They’ve been holding this tournament in one capacity or another since 1974, so that’s 34 years of World Juniors. Of those, current Big Six teams have won all but nine gold medals. The Soviet Union won eight of those and the Commonwealth of Independent States, a regional organization of former Soviet states that, when the CIS won in 1992, included Russia, won the other. So that’s every gold accounted for. What about silver? Well the Soviets have three of those and the only other non-Big Six winner is Czechoslovakia, which had five. The Soviets also had two bronzes to the Czechoslovakians’ six.

The only medals won by countries that are not now and never were Big Six powers were a bronze for Switzerland in 1998 (led by David Aebischer) and another for Slovakia the following year. For the sake of a bronze medal every 17 years on average, this doesn’t seem worth the hassle. What good does it do the sport in a given country for Germany to show up and get a nice bagged lunch at the hands of the Americans, or Kazakhstan to lose 15-0 to Canada no matter how expected it was? I don’t think some kid in Kazakhstan was watching this going, “Man, I’d really like to get flown halfway around the world to get my dick kicked in by four superpowers for four games.” No one in Latvia’s going to be eager to play a full 60 of what amounts to a penalty kill for the sake of Sweden’s fucking goal differential.

None of this is making the Canadians or Americans or Swedes or Russians or Czechs or Finns any better either. The only highlight for anybody, I guess, is when a 5-foot-4 Kazakh farmboy (or whatever) puts a 6-foot-6 future NHL star on his ass. That was awesome.

I love the tournament, but group play as it’s currently constituted is stupid and serves no purpose.

What We Learned

Anaheim — Not too much to be happy out in Duckland recently. Sixth in the Western Conference and barely treading water above that cluster of teams with 37-39 points. Good teams below them too. One bright spot, of course, is the continued success of Bobby Ryan regardless of who his linemates are (another two points tonight against St. Louis, including the game-winner, with The Ghost of Brendan Morrison and Andrew Ebbett). Kid’s got 18 points and is a +11 in 19 games but Randy Carlyle won’t give him a shot.

Atlanta — Don Waddell gets hockey. He did a Q&A with Mike Knobler at the AJC that ran on Christmas day (i.e. when no one on Earth reads the newspaper) and among the topics discussed were the Thrashers’ needs in the trade market. Said Waddell:

A centerman would be No. 1, but if it’s a player that’s going to make us a better team at this point, particularly a forward, we’ll look at pretty much anything.

Then Do the Thrashers Have Large Talons kinda highlighted something out while kinda sorta completely missing the real point completely.

• 26th Ranked Even Strength Defense (ranked 27th last season)
• 30th Ranked Special Teams Defense (ranked 28th last season)
• 30th Ranked Total Defense (ranked 30th last season)

So yeah, Don. Trade for a forward. That’ll solve everything.

Boston —Today on the Bruins/Thrashers game, Jack Edwards began refering to David Krejci as “Einstein’s assistant” because when he has the puck, time can speed up or slow down on his whim. “It’s all relative,” explained Edwards with a chuckle.

Is there some way that hockey fans the world over can let NESN know that Jack Edwards is a mind-bogglingly bad, unprofessional and annoying broadcaster? I mean, I bring his ridiculous commentary up just about every week at this point, but this really, truly has to stop. It’s too much. Andy Brickley should punch him in the mouth.

Buffalo — I “borrowed” this from Die By the Blade so whatever. It made me laugh.

Calgary — Rene Bourque is a player so awesome he has his own theme song. First career hat trick last night against Ottawa (which I guess should only count for 2.5 goals, but I’m not one to judge) and that makes 14 goals on the year. It’s amazing to actually see secondary goalscoring in Calgary coming from so many different places. And all Darryl Sutter gave up for him was a second-round pick. “Overpayment,” scoffed Blackhawk fans. Well Rene Bourque has scored 14 goals and that’s more than Jonathan Toews has, isn’t it? Face.

Carolina — Quick, name a more on-again/off-again player in the NHL than Eric Staal. His hat trick the other night was his second of the year. He’s got 17 goals this year, and that’s a lot, but 12 have come in five multiple-goal games. Otherwise he has had goalless streaks of seven and eight games at different points this year. Those two streaks were broken up by a hat trick.

Chicago — So they might have to postpone the Winter Classic. I wouldn’t worry about it. Chicago’s always very cold this time of year and even though it’s in the 50s today, tomorrow it’s probably going to be -13. Stupid global warming.

Colorado — Wanna see something ridiculous? Here’s Wojtek Wolski’s shootout goal against the Red Wings on Saturday. Sick hands on this kid.

Columbus — Very quietly, Steve Mason has the best goals-against average in the NHL, the third-best save percentage and three shutouts. Give that man the Calder right this second. There’s your goddamn rookie of the year right there. No one is bringing this up, and I don’t understand why.

Dallas — Umm, how is Dallas 8-3-1 in its last 12? They’re playing pretty poorly overall and still haven’t lost in regulation in their last five. I dunno, seems like it could be one of those things where they’re still not a good team but they’re getting bounces to go their way finally after being pretty much inexcusably bad for the prior 22 games or whatever. Things tend to balance out, and the Stars are better than their record indicates. This might also have to do with Sean Avery but I’m not sure.

Detroit — Oh man, Lidstrom got hurt. Detroit’s been struggling on the penalty kill as it is, but if Lidstrom’s out for any period of time, things could get dicey in a hurry. And on that topic, I’ve been thinking about Lidstrom lately. I kinda hate to say it, but he’s lost about a step and a half from last year. He’s getting hit more often and just not making as many Lidstrom-y decisions lately. There’s no way he wins the Norris this year.

Edmonton — Dwayne Roloson is starting to put together a respectable season for himself at the ripe old age of 39, shocking though that may be. He’s won three in a row, including today’s win over Nashville that was Edmonton’s first in 10 tries, and lookit these stats. Not bad at all for a guy that was splitting time with two other goalies earlier this year, eh?

Florida — That home and home with Tampa had to be the who-caresiest one ever. And giving up nine goals in regulation to Tampa Bay over two games? That’s Tampa levels of bad defense.

Los Angeles — The Kings sold a bunch of good seats to all their January games for $11.50 each, which is pretty cool. Every time you watch a Kings game on TV the place is a ghost town. Jesus, just give the seats away if it gets people through the door and buying concessions. Why not, right?

Minnesota — Earlier this month, the Wild lost a franchise-record five games in a row in regulation. Then they lost in OT, then they won, then they lost, then they won again, then they got demolished by Chicago. They’ve been pretty much unwatchable for the better portion of the last three weeks.

Montreal — Andrei Kostitsyn played his first game back from a pretty bad injury and got puton a line with Tomas Plekanec and Alex Kovalev. Big Kostitsyn had a hat trick, and in fact all three Montreal goals, on Saturday in a win over the Penguins. So I guess keep him on that line then, yeah?

Nashville — Proof that Nashville is a viable hockey market: Google “Nashville Predators blog” and you come up with a team blog that hasn’t been updated since Nov. 2007, a fan blog that hasn’t been updated since October, and another that hasn’t been updated since July. Yeah, great job.

New Jersey — Another real good team no one’s talking up: The Devils. They’re two points back of Philadelphia for the lead in the Atlantic Division with two games in hand. And they’ve done it in the face of outrageous circumstances. If I told you in October that they’d be ahead of the Penguins and Rangers with Scott Clemmensen as their best goalie, you would have spit in my face and pushed me down the stairs.

New York Rangers — Ah yes, the long-awaited Case-For-Avery-on-the-Rangers. They have no cap space and no discernable defense, and yet the team is “Screaming out for Avery.” Perfect, Brooks. Just perfect.

Nearly halfway through a season in which there couldn’t be a greater disconnect between what you see in the standings and what you see on the ice, the Rangers have no identity. They have no go-to guy. They have no force to worry the opposition.

…

The mechanics of making it happen are hazy. But those are mere details.

Okay Sean Avery is that guy. Makes absolute sense. Handshakes all around. We’ve solved the Rangers’ problem. Sean Avery. Screw the fact that the team can’t afford him. MERE DETAILS!

New York Islanders — Bill Guerin became just the eighth American-born player to score his 400th goal on Saturday, but like a selfish ugly jerk he ROBBED Josh Bailey of his first-ever NHL goal. Bill Guerin: selfish ugly jerk. Print it.

Ottawa — It’s kinda depressing. Watching the World Juniors the other night, they showed a sign before the Canada game that said something about the Senators NEEDING John Tavares. It’s not wrong or anything (they need all the help they can get), but I just kinda feel bad.

Philadelphia — I think like last week I was talking about how the Flyers were playing awesome hockey lately. Then they got shut out and held to 20 shots by Columbus. I don’t know what to think about them any more.

Phoenix —Whoa, buddy.

How is it that the best line of the night was made up of Enver Lisin, Martin Hanzal, and Mikkel Boedker?  There are “monkeys” on everyone’s back it seems.

Be frustrated with the Coyotes all you want, but let’s not start trashing Enver Lisin, aight? You have made a powerful enemy this day.

Pittsburgh —Starting Tuesday night, the Penguins have a home and home with the Bruins. Will that be an exciting series to watch? Yes. Will the Penguins win one of those games? I doubt it. But hey, Hal Gill will probably be back!

San Jose — I think the shine might be wearing off the Sharks already, and it’s not even the second round. In the last two weeks, apart from a very strong win over the Canucks last week, they’ve pulled out an unconvincing 3-2 win over an unconvincing Rangers team, a 3-2 shootout win over the Kings, lost to the Blue Jackets in a shootout, gotten demolished by the Red Wings, and now lost to the Blues in a shootout. I dunno, man. I think this could be the start of their resounding fall back to earth. There was no way they were going to keep all that winning up, obviously, but now they’re barely scraping by bad teams if they do it at all.

St. Louis — So Paul Kariya has a pretty bad hip injury. He might miss the rest of the year, and even if he doesn’t, he’ll miss a significant portion of its remainder. What’s the NHL record for man-games lost to injury?

Tampa Bay — How you know things are bad in Tampa: Evgeny Artuhkin is leading the offensive charge.

Toronto — How does someone get hit in the eye with a soccer ball when playing in close quarters like that? Hey Stajan, keep your goddamn head up.

Vancouver —Taylor Pyatt is out indefinitely with an injured foot. As long as nothin’ happens to those pretty, pretty eyes.

Washington — In addition to being the best player in the world, Alex Ovechkin might be the best interview in it as well.

Play of the Weekend

Kinda have to give it to Ovechkin for that goal the other night, huh?

Gold Star Award

Lotta hat tricks this weekend, that’s for sure. Staalsy had one, Big Kostitsyn had one, Rene Bourque had one. But regardless, the big, big Gold Star Award winner this week goes to Dan Ryder for getting himself suspended by the Calgary Flames for the second time in two seasons.

Enjoy not playing hockey for a living, Dan-o.

Next week’s game I’m totally going to watch on Center Ice if I’m home

That aforementioned Bruins/Penguins home and home is gonna be outstanding. Just outstanding. The two best offensive players in the game are playing the team with the best defense.

Event that should replace the shootout and would be just as relevant to hockey skill

Tolerating certain members of their families over the holidays. Y’know, THOSE relatives.

Soccer update only I care about

What a weekend for Liverpool. The Reds had a 3-0 win over Bolton at Anfield on Boxing Day that was sparked by a two-goal performance by Robbie Keane (the start of big things for the lad, I’ll keep telling myself) and then a 5-1 win over Tottenham on Sunday away to St James’ Park. That will work just fine, thank you. Add in Chelsea’s hilarious 2-all draw with Fulham at Craven Cottage (thanks Deuce!) and that adds up to Liverpool atop the table, three points clear of the hated Blues. What a delightful gift to have received this of all weeks.

College hockey update only I care about

Lowell doesn’t play until next week, but UMass Amherst lost to lowly Bemidji State 4-2. Thinking about embarrassing losses by UMass Amherst is the gift that keeps on giving.

The No. 1 DVD I own and kind of want to watch this week but likely will not

“The Spy Who Came in From the Cold,” in that I have been meaning to watch it for like two weeks and haven’t done so.

An update on last week’s “No. 1 DVD I own and kind of want to watch this week but likely will not“

Yippee kay yay, Mr. Falcon!

Perfect HFBoards trade proposal of the week

User “roc1091,” you sir have this trade game figured out.

edmonton gets
doug weight
bill guerin

nyi gets
2009 1st round pick
rob shremp
robert nilsson

prob too much coming to nyi but if his value is still up at the deadline i could see it happening wit shremp nd nillsons value look lik they r declining nd both could use a change of scenery

Edmonton trades a pair of pain in the ass kids with attitude and effort problems AND a first-round pick to get two old guys who don’t help them do anything. I’d call it lose-lose but hey, that’s a mid-round pick!

Signoff in a language that’s not English

This entry was posted on Monday, December 29th, 2008 at 3:56 am and is filed under What We Learned. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.