The Two-Line Pass

Because I tend to not blog on the weekends, here is a feature that will run through the entire season. It aims to recap the weekend’s events and boils those events down to one admittedly superficial fact about each team that played. And hell, there’s a ton of other crap for me to blather on about too. And yes, I’m totally ripping off just about every other blogger ever’s weekly column, but that’s something you’ll have to deal with on your own time.

Danger: This post contains language that some people might not like. This will be the only thing on the site that regularly does so.

I have very little idea what’s going on in hockey right now.

While I attended two games this weekend and tried to keep up with news and scores as best I could, it was awful hard to stay up-to-date with all the events that conspired to happen between 11 p.m. Thursday night when my electricity went out until roughly 5:30 p.m. Sunday when it came back on.

From what I’ve been able to tell, some internet nerd was a backup for the Capitals (there’s still hope for that NHL debut, or so I’ll keep telling myself!), Sean Avery was banished from the Stars FOREVER or something, Mats Sundin chose a team but not really, and Brian McGrattan loves his substance abuse. My heart hurts from having had none of these things in my life over the last 64 hours. Oh, the jokes on which I have missed out!

What this weekend gave me was the chance to see how hockey fans without Center Ice live. I went to a college hockey game on Friday night and that was fine and dandy, but Saturday night, with no Hockey Night In Canada, was possibly the worst thing that ever happened to me.

Having sat around my house reading a book for most of the day like one of the original settlers of Jamestown, I decided that freezing my ass off in a 40-degree house was not what I wanted to do with my night as well. So hey, why not swing by the nearby Lowell Devils game. It’s hockey, right? Can’t be all bad. And even if it was, the rinkside temperature would at least be hovering a full 10 degrees above that of my home.

Lowell, it should be noted, is dead last in AHL attendance by a wide, wide margin. The announced attendance on Saturday was 1,448, and that’s an awful generous figure. How is it that when literally almost all of your region is without power, FEWER PEOPLE THAN NORMAL say to themselves, “Well we might as well go check out the Devils game?” You’d think that’d be unlikely. And yet, even with about 100-150 people in Sharks jerseys (almost a full 10 percent of the crowd), of both the Worcester and San Jose variety, Lowell didn’t crack 1,450 people through the doors.

A few reasons have since occurred to me as to why. First, they were charging $15 for a ticket. Now, whatever, it’s pro hockey and $15 is a decent price for a college ticket around here, so no arguments on the general price (except that, obviously, the Devils couldn’t draw a crowd with a box of 64 Crayola crayons and might wanna consider $5 tickets just to try to pull anyone in). But this is also after the Manchester Monarchs, just 45 minutes or so up Rt. 93, offered free admission to anyone that felt like showing up for their Friday night game against Albany. Anything to get people out of the house and enjoying some $5 popcorn, yeah? Attendance at the Verizon Wireless Arena was about 500 people over the Monarchs’ average.

True fact: People would rather freeze their asses off in the dark than watch the Lowell Devils play hockey. I soon wished I had made a similar decision.

Perhaps more important than the near-semi-prohibitive price is that the Lowell Devils are an eye-bleedingly awful hockey team. Like, remarkably, words-cannot-express-it bad. I hadn’t been to an AHL game since the lockout, but I really couldn’t believe these guys played hockey in exchange for money. Seemed impossible. No structure to their defending, no flow to their attack. They gave up a shorthanded goal and a penalty shot on their FIRST power play. The game physically could not have gotten worse from there, and the final 4-2 scoreline flattered the Devs. They gave up 45 shots to a team with Claude Lemieux on its top power play unit, after all.

How Lou Lamoriello can consider his organization to have anything resembling a farm system is unbelievable to me. Even if all my power goes out forever in some kind of apocalyptic catastrophe, I can honestly say I will never ever see another Lowell Devils game as long as I live.

What We Learned

(please bear with me here)

Anaheim — This might be the last bit of hockey I saw before I heard a transformer explode down the street.

As a fan of the sweet science, I was not enamored with this being my lasting hockey memory for close to 24 hours.

Atlanta — Not a good weekend for the Thrash, eh? I mean, sure, they were playing the Bruins, but there was (apparently) never even a point in which they were in either game. The Bruin attack had so much pressure on Saturday that five Thrashers were pinned in their own zone for a full four minutes. That’s.. wow.

Boston — Dennis Wideman has very quietly put together a season worthy of All-Star consideration. Saturday he scored his seventh goal, is now a +13 and has blocked 44 shots. But lost in all the well-deserved love for Phil Kessel, Tim Thomas and Marc Savard, Wideman has been outstanding.

Buffalo — Tom Vanek, you are pretty good. That’s 24 goals in 30 games now. You’re on pace for 65. That’s a lot!

Calgary — Flames are 7-3-2 in the last 12, mainly because the penalty kill, which used to be awful, has crept up to 85.2 and is top-five in the league. Now if they could only do something about that -8 goal differential at 5-on-5…

Carolina — Eric Staal did a Q&A with ESPN’s David Amber, which, y’know, isn’t all that interesting. But Staal called Evgeni Malkin the best player in the world today. Why this hasn’t set off sirens and a code red warning at NHL Headquarters is beyond me. “I THINK HE MUST SURELY HAVE MEANT SIDNEY CROSBY IS THE BEST WHY IT’S CRAZY TO SAY ANYTHING BUT THAT HE MUST HAVE BEEN MISQUOTED,” said everybody that has ever worked for the NHL.

Chicago — I’m sure you’ve seen it by now, but the story of the Blackhawks going to the funeral for Dale Tallon’s dad last month is very nice. I didn’t have it down as “have to delete the same FWD from my inbox 32 times in four days” nice, but nice nonetheless.

Colorado — Can anyone explain to me why, of all the teams that get their home games carried on Center Ice regularly, the Avalanche are the only ones with a pre- and postgame show that get shown? What, I wouldn’t want to watch the Penguins’ postgames? A 30-minute preview of a Blackhawks game is no good? Hell, the Avs might have the WORST broadcast (or least tolerable, at any rate) of any NHL team, and that’s saying something. In a supposed hockey market, you’ve never heard so many mispronounced names in your life. Newsflash: It’s not “Mick-o” Koivu. Never was. Stop calling him that.

Columbus — Steve freakin’ Mason’s playing out of his mind. But we said that about Pascal Leclaire last year. How’d that work out?

Dallas — Sean Avery’s done with the Stars and there was since-refuted talk that they were going to try to not pay him because he violated the conduct clause in his contract. I really wonder what kind of conduct clause Sean Avery would have in his contract. You gotta think it actually uses the term “any action short of sexual assault” at least three times.

Detroit — Both the Detroit Free Press and Detroit News are considering reining in home delivery to just three days a week in light of the cost of putting out a physical paper and delivering it all seven days in a cost-cutting effort. Abbreviated editions will be at newsstands and full editions will be online. Remarkably progressive move. Why isn’t anyone else doing this. If you’re reading the New York Times anywhere in the world, you almost certainly have an internet connection, and thus don’t need to read the physical paper. Jeez, they always say the most two expensive parts of running a newspaper are the people and the printing. So why do most newspapers get rid of the people who, y’know, make the paper worth reading, first? Know who reads the newspaper now? People over 55 who don’t have the internet. Screw ‘em. They’re neanderthals. Going extinct. Can’t pander to people like that any more.

(Not that I’m bitter or anything.)

Edmonton — The fellas over at Battle of Alberta have written a parody song about Kevin Lowe. Anything that makes fun of Kevin Lowe, incidentally, is okay by me.

Florida — Jesus CHRIST! Florida’s two points out of a playoff spot and 6-2-2 in the last 10? When the hell did this happen?

Los Angeles — Golden Globe nominations came out this week. Is there an awards show anyone cares less about than the Golden Globes? Winning a Golden Globe is like winning the Eastern Conference but losing the Stanley Cup. Who cares? Any awards that have Mamma Mia! nominated for ANYTHING should be disregarded wholesale. We’re still a month and a half away from Oscar nominations and all this other crap is just too much for me to care about. Christ, both Tom Cruise and Robert Downey Jr. got nominated for Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy or Musical because of Tropic Thunder. TROPIC THUNDER WAS AWFUL AND NO ONE WAS ESPECIALLY FUNNY IN IT! That’s science, man.

Minnesota — Marian Gaborik told Michael Russo that, “It’s my goal to be in the lineup this week, definitely.” Well great. My goal is to fly to the moon and fight a dinosaur this week. I’m not counting on any of the three taking place, and the dinosaur one might be the most feasible.

Montreal — Who’s less healthy? Washington or Montreal? A partial injury list for Les Habitants includes Carey Price, Saku Koivu, Chris Higgins, Georges Laraque and Mike Komisarek. Jeez, that’s a lot of pretty important players right there.

Nashville — Dan Ellis or Pekka Rinne? Pekka Rinne or Dan Ellis? When one starts to play like garbage, the other one steps in and gives up like three goals in four starts. It’s crazy. But the way they’re being used this year — ridden hard for a week then shut down when they start to play even mediocre hockey — is going to make for some hilarious blog fodder come playoff time when they both melt down at the same time.

New Jersey — Oh man that game on Friday. Devils go up 5-1, the Rangers come back to tie it, then give up the game-winner like 11 seconds later and give up another two goals in the next 4:38. Travis Zajac had a natural hat trick in that one over the course of 10:32, but then they took his last goal away and gave it to Johnny Oduya, who is awful. That’s too bad.

New York Rangers — Hahaha. Oh, Rangers.

New York Islanders — I don’t know if there’s a fanbase I feel sorrier for than that of the Islanders. It’s truly a depressing state of affairs when every single Islanders blog I click on is just so mopey and Eeyore-ish. How long could the misery last? Days, weeks, months, who knows?

Ottawa — Tough break for the Sens, who ran into a buzzsaw in the Capitals with the returns of Mike Green and Sergei Fedorov. They’d been playing so well of late, and won their next game 2-0. But still. Yikes.

Philadelphia — So the reason the Flyers are playing so well is because of a players-only meeting in October. No clue why it took like a month to work, but these guys are playing out of their minds right now.

Phoenix — Watched some of their game on Thursday before the lights went out, and they had some kid that won a contest in the booth calling the game. Hell of a job outta the kid. He was calling for set plays on the power play and then they’d actually happen, and he was talking about how quick the release on Kyle Turris’ wrister is. He was also pronouncing opposing players’ names properly. I don’t know who this kid was or where he came from, but he’d give at least 20 percent of the color guys in the league a run for their money.

Pittsburgh — Good news, everyone: A University of Pittsburgh study has found that there are fewer males being born in the US and Japan. Now even you hockey-loving internet nerds can pull chicks no problem. (If only we dared go outside…)

San Jose — Oh yeah, Claude Lemieux. Given just how atrocious his play was, I won’t beat him up too badly, but there has to be a nicer way to say he looked slow, fat, gassed after two shifts, old and out of his league. I don’t know what it is, though.

St. Louis — I don’t know, how’s their goaltending situation? Still bad? Okay.

Tampa Bay — Barry Melrose ain’t the only staying classy on his way out of town. Dan Boyle is glad to have BOLTED from Tampa! Oh man pun headlines are always great in AP articles. Always. Flames BURN Canucks. Bruins MAUL Canadiens. Ducks FLY PAST Stars. They’ve got a million of ‘em!

Toronto — Go participate in Pension Plan Puppets’ Holiday Contest. They are good people over there, and you can win a Leafs jersey just for being a dick on the internet. You don’t get a goddamn thing for doing it here.

Vancouver — Oh uh, yeah, Luongo’s gonna be back any day now. Yessir. Any old day this week. Just you wait. Ohhhhhhhh jeez he’s out another month. Golly. After watching the way Cory Schneider dealt with the Panthers tonight, I’m feelin’ okay about the Flames chances to start to run away with the Northwest.

Washington — All things considered, is this not the awesomest franchise in hockey? Name a cooler one. I think you’ll find it impossible.

Play of the Weekend

Because I didn’t see much hockey this weekend, I just typed “hockey” into YouTube and clicked “Sort by date.” The first thing I came across from this weekend was this Anthony Stewart/Mike Brown fight from the Panthers/Canucks game this weekend. Boy what a barnburner.

Gold Star Award

Michael Ryder had three goals in two games this weekend and the Bruins beat the Thrashers 11-5 on aggregate in a home-and-home, so that’s gotta count for something. That makes 7-3-10 in Ryder’s last eight games. I think he’s adjusting to Boston just fine.

Next week’s game I’m totally going to watch on Center Ice if I’m home (and have electricity)

Calgary at Minnesota and Edmonton at Vancouver. Both are on Wednesday night. The first starts at 8 p.m. and the second, conveniently enough, starts at 10:30. If you’re like me and prefer the Northwest Division Avs-free, then Wednesday is your Christmas present, jack.

Event that should replace the shootout and would be just as relevant to hockey skill

See who can sit through a Lowell Devils power play the longest without crying. That’d get the loser point awarded within 15 seconds.

Soccer update only I care about

Liverpool continue to give away points at Anfield, this time drawing HULL 2-all. How does this continually happen? It doesn’t make even the slightest bit of sense, especially not for a team that is, by some miracle, still atop the league table. Fortunately, Chelsea drawing West Ham 1-all at Stamford Bridge and Manchester United playing Tottenham to a goalless draw at White Hart Lane eased any concerns Liverpool might have had about its poor result this weekend.

College hockey update only I care about

Lowell lost a tough one at BU, 3-2, to close the first half of the season with a three-game losing streak. I am positively tapdancing over this team’s chances in the second half. Yessiree, they’re gonna be a fun one to… *dies of self-inflicted gunshot wound*

The No. 1 DVD I own and kind of want to watch this week but likely will not

In light of my recently learning that they’re remaking Akira Kurosawa’s classic Seven Samurai, I will watch the original and try to drown out the noise created by Kurosawa and Toshiro Mifune spinning in their graves.

An update on last week’s “No. 1 DVD I own and kind of want to watch this week but likely will not“

Why did I think I would even bother to watch NIXON? What a stupid idea that was.

Perfect HFBoards trade proposal of the week

When you go into the HFBoards Trade Proposal forum, you expect a lot. It is rare, however, that you get something this stultifyingly awesome. From Sonofjorg comes the only thing you’d expect to see in a thread entitled “Min - Atl:”

Atlanta gets -

Marian Gaborik

Minnesota gets -

Ilya Kovaluchuk

You can’t go wrong there, brother.

Signoff in a language that’s not English

This entry was posted on Monday, December 15th, 2008 at 4:46 am and is filed under What We Learned. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.