The Two-Line Pass

Because I tend to not blog on the weekends, here is a feature that will run through the entire season. It aims to recap the weekend’s events and boils those events down to one admittedly superficial fact about each team that played. And hell, there’s a ton of other crap for me to blather on about too. And yes, I’m totally ripping off just about every other blogger ever’s weekly column, but that’s something you’ll have to deal with on your own time.

Danger: This post contains language that some people might not like. This will be the only thing on the site that regularly does so.

I remember just a few weeks ago when everyone was talking about the New York Rangers being the team to beat in the East.

“Oh man,” fans of the Blueshirts were saying, “Look how good the Zherdev-Voros-Dubinski line is playing! Just wait until Naslund, Drury and Gomez come around! We’ll be UNSTOPPABLE then.”

But since the start of November, the Rangers are only 4-5-1 with two of those wins coming in shootouts? So what could have POSSIBLY happened to this top-three-in-the-league team to see them tank so badly?

In a word: normalization.

This was always a ridiculously mediocre team. Always. What’d I have them? Like fourth in the division and out of the playoffs? Fourth in the division doesn’t seem so likely now nor does missing the playoffs as a result, largely due to Philly being far worse than anyone imagined and the Devils losing just about everyone to injury, but who can honestly sit here and say that this isn’t just another one-and-done Ranger team?

That whole thing about the Zherdev-Voros-Dubinski line continuing its torrid early-season pace was fucking ludicrous anyway. You mean to tell me a line that scored a combined 34 goals last year won’t keep producing at a pace through 13 games where it would reach 208 total points by season’s end? I’m appalled! Only Zherdev has almost kept up his end of the early-season production, and he currently leads the Rangers in points with 17 in 23 games, but he’s scored just five in his last 10. Voros? Jesus Christ. After collecting nine points in his first eight games, he’s got three in his last 15. Yup, that sounds about right for the guy who had 7-7-14 last year. Dubinski had 12 in his first 13 and just two since. All that happens and, go figure, they can’t win in regulation any more.

Frankly, the Rangers’ offense was not going to score many goals, despite all the loony insistence to the contrary. Even when the Rangers were winning games, it wasn’t often the shitty offense doing it. Only six of the Rangers’ 14 wins have been by two or more goals. Because the majority of their wins have been in games that were one-goal victories or came in overtime or the shootout — and there have been four of each — the margin for error was always going to be slim. Now that the Voros line has stopped producing for the most part, we see the result: lots of losses where they look like shit and only two regulation wins, against the injury-depleted Devils and the Melrose-era Lightning, a.k.a. a steaming pile of horse shit. The other two wins were 3-2 over Boston and 2-1 over Ottawa in the depths of their “We blow” phase, both in shootouts.

And who else did they ever have? A regressing Scott Gomez, a regressed Markus Naslund and Chris Drury, who is the textbook definition of “mediocre as piss.” Yeah, that’s who you want running your show: three guys whose better days were always going to be with the teams they left. Gomez was a point-a-game player ONCE in his career, so let’s back up the money truck and give him $7 million. Drury was NEVER a point-a-game player. Not in his entire NHL career. So let’s give him $7.3 million and a captaincy. He earned it! Naslund was obviously a bit of a reclamation project but his better days were about five years ago and contingent on the then-monstrous play of Todd Bertuzzi. That’s worth a good $4 million, right?

The Rangers were throwing good free agent forward money (Nazzy’s contract) after truly-fucking-bad (Gomer and Drury) to the tune of $18.3 million and not one person bothered to go, “Uhh yeah these guys only have five point-a-game seasons between them, and four belong to Markus Naslund.”

Because there was never a realistic chance the offense would be any good, it stands to reason that this was a team that was going to be built on defense and goaltending, right? Well with a defense spearheaded by Wade Redden and Michal Roszival, you knew they were always going to be fucking awful at keeping the puck away from Lundqvist. Do you really want THOSE GUYS playing 22-plus minutes a night? Christ no, you don’t. At all.

Henrik Lundqvist has at least held up his end of the bargain, but now that he’s pulling himself from games and sitting out the next one, you gotta wonder how his confidence (and his knees!) are holding up.

So why all this pro-Ranger hype to begin with? The only reasonable explanation, near as I could tell, was the way the Blueshirts came a-roarin’ out of the gates with a 10-2-1 October record that, conveniently, ignored the fact that the 13 teams they played were Tampa twice, Chicago, Philadelphia, New Jersey, Buffalo, Toronto, Detroit, Dallas, Columbus, Pittsburgh, the Islanders, and Atlanta. What’s that? Three tough games out of 13? In fact, the Rangers have had the easiest schedule in ALL OF FUCKING HOCKEY! Not one team has faced shittier opponents than the New York Rangers, who are awful.

Not that the Rangers didn’t make a few of the games against the eye-bleedingly bad opponents tougher than they needed to be, including the narrow win over the Thrashers on October 30 that even Tom Renney seemed to think was when the wheels started to officially come off.

“We can’t mistake what we’re doing here for being great,” he said. “We’ve had moments of greatness in every game, but it’s about sustaining that.”

Okay Renny you keep telling yourself that.

One particular problem the Rangers have had all season has been with their shitty, shitty power play, currently 21st at 15.9 percent on 113 chances (second-most in the league!) with a monumentally terrible seven shorthanded goals allowed to pace the other 29 teams. Any plans for that, coach?

QUIZ TIME!
Did Renny a) junk not only the power-play personnel but also the power play system, b) commit ritual seppuku after decapitating Glen Sather with a Vapor XXXX, c) apply for a job at the NHL Store, or d) continue to allow Naslund, Drury and Gomez to lead the Rangers forwards in power-play ice time?

Who had B?

Yes, Gomez leads ALLLLLLLL Rangers with 4:52 of power play time a night, followed by DRURY at 4:31, Redden and Roszival around there too, and Naslund at 4:06.

How has no one lost their job over this?

What We Learned

Anaheim —Somehow the Ducks are still in the running for Mats Sundin. Don’t know why, but they are. Not that they don’t have company though. JP Barrie this week told the Toronto Star that 11 fucking teams are interested in Sundin, who might return in mid- to late December. Maybe.

Atlanta —Kari Lehtonen’s on IR. Again. Big shock, that. There goes any hope Atlanta had of not finishing dead last in the entire National Hockey League. Two questions face them now: “Hedman or Tavares?” and “What can we get for this Russian guy that doesn’t play defense?” I think the answer to the first question should be a Patrik Stefan-esque off-the-board pick. That would be awesome.

Boston — So the Bruins play the Habs again and Milan Lucic still won’t fight Gorgeous Georges Laraque. Even though Julien told him not to go, it’s still a punk move. Laraque was practically begging Lucic to go, and in not doing so, Lucic looks like a pussy. Yeah, you can beat the shit out of Mike Komisarek who’s a big dude. But he’a also the NHL equivalent of Piston Honda: throw bombs at him and you’ll win in the first round. Try stepping up to the bigs and taking on Mr. Sandman, Looch. Maybe then you won’t look like scared.

Buffalo —The struggling Sabres called up Mark Mancari, who was second in the AHL in scoring. Apparently this is what the fans have been “clamoring” for. Nate Gerbe? No? Alright. I’ll continue my quiet crusade to get that li’l fella where he deserves to be.

Calgary —Being a Flames fan has its obvious downsides apart from the team sucking complete shit more often than not. For example, I am lumped in with this fucking idiot, who believes there might be too much talent coming into the league.

Actual quote from what is presumably a person with complete control over his faculties: “So do you think there are any strong negative effects of there being so much talent in the league now, for example it becoming diluted?”

No, I do not think that. I think the opposite of that, in fact, because “so much talent” cannot be “diluted” by additional talent. It’s the opposite of what that means.

Carolina — Hey it’s Eric Staal! I remember him! Life is tough when you’re the third-best Staal brother for most of the season, but when you finally score a hat trick, all the criticism magically disappears. Funny how that works.

Chicago — If Chicago makes that Dustin Byfuglien and Brent Sopel-for-Michael Nylander trade, they are fucking stupid. Why do they need Michael Nylander? A clue: they do not. Hang onto Byfuglien, guys. Kid’s a fucking horse.

Colorado — Jesus Christ will you guys stop trying to win? The team’s a mess. A total mess. Sell everyone off you can. Trade Sakic, really. Trade Foote yesterday. Trade Hejduk tomorrow. Trade everyone over 32 for whatever you can get. Your team sucks and it probably won’t make the playoffs anyway. Tank it for the draft picks and prospects. It only makes sense.

Columbus — Steve Mason got his first career shutout the other day. Only had to make 15 saves to do it. That’s because Steve Mason is awesome and should be at least platooning with Pascal Leclaire, if not starting.

Dallas — Brenden Morrow is done for the year. I’ll put him on the list next to “Dallas’ playoff hopes.”

Detroit — Did you hear they’re making a Slap Shot 3? They are. Slap Shot 3: The Junior League. Because Slap Shot 2 was so fucking watchable and well-received. Any goodwill the original had built up by the time the Hanson Brothers are teaching a junior mite team how to “put on the foil” and not drink “that darn root beer” must surely be gone now. What a putrid fucking idea. And Leslie Nielsen as the Mayor of Charlestown? Just die already, you old idiot. (However, this is only the second-worst thing in which Mark Messier has been involved, so points there!)

Rule of thumb: The third installment of any movie series sucks a thick dick. Godfather III. Major League 3: Back to the Minors. D3: The Mighty Ducks. Return of the Jedi. Jurassic Park 3. Back to the Future 3. Spider-Man 3. These are all off the top of my head.

I remember when I saw Major League 3 in theaters like the 15-year-old asshole I was. “Well I liked the first two,” I must have said to myself before plunking down $5.75 to see the matinee with my friend Michael (I remember this entire day vividly, apparently). Well, I honestly can’t tell you a fucking thing about that third one except that even at 15 and with no discernible taste in film, I thought that movie was a triceratops-sized pile of shit.

Edmonton —The craziest thing ever happened in Edmonton this week, and it had nothing to do with Dustin Penner playing hard for once. A fucking METEOR hit just outside the city! Look at this video. It’s like viral marketing for Cloverfield 2, in which the Cloverfield monster wants to wreck a city, crash lands in northern Alberta and assumes someone got to it first. Then it has a smoke and meanders toward more interesting places, like Saskatoon.

Florida — Wade Belak was pissed when the Panthers put him on waivers this week. Not that I blame him.

“They bring me down here to play, and I’ve seen my time dwindle from eight minutes to three shifts a game,” Belak said. ”I’m not a liability. I’m tired of hearing how we need offense. Other tough guys play and are contributing. It’s tough to fight from the bench.”

True. But look at the bright side, Wade. Maybe a team that’s actually worth playing for will pick you up.

Los Angeles — Here’s why Hollywood rules sometimes: here is a NSFW trailer for the movie Black Dynamite. This movie will be epically terrible and, because that’s what they’re going for, awesome as a result.

Minnesota —The Wild should’ve traded Pierre-Marc Bouchard when they had the chance instead of giving him $4 million a year. He’s fucking terrible now.

Montreal — The night before the Canadiens retired Patrick Roy’s number, his kid crosschecks someone in the face in a QMJHL game. Not the scumbag kid from last year either. The other one, Frederick. Freddy’s team trailed 8-2.

That Roy family sure is 100 percent classy.

Nashville —So today Shea Weber picked up his 10th goal of the year. He’s on pace for like 41. How did every team in the league pass on this kid in 2003?

New Jersey — When John Madden got hurt the other day, it left Travis Zajac as the only remaining healthy center from the Devils’ opening-day roster. Think about that.

New York Islanders —That movie Twilight made like $70 million this weekend. How the fuck did vampires get so popular with kids again? Harry Potter offshoot, maybe? First witches and wizards now vampires. Matt Drudge was touting it as the blockbuster with “No sex, no violence, no stars,” which it apparently is. I just think it’s funny that this is being trumpeted as some sort of moral movie, while all vampiric myth is based upon allegory for the sexual urges of young women being fulfilled by handsome older men who sneak into their rooms and rape them.

Also, this goony motherfucker is a teen hearthrob? He looks like a not-fat version of the ugly guy from Alias. Teenage girls are idiots. Across the board. No exceptions.

New York Rangers — I love that Lundqvist has the ability to yank himself out of games when he’s playing like ass. If only Marty Turco had this superpower.

Ottawa Senators —Jarkko Ruutu is a genius. The bullshit he was pulling against the Rangers on Saturday had me dying. Never change, Jarkko.

Philadelphia —Apparently the Flyers are falling all over themselves to try and sign Brendan Shanahan. Unless he can play goal, it doesn’t strike me as a good idea.

Phoenix — Do people still care about the show 24? They had the 24 movie tonight on Fox and it’s sitting on my DVR and I’ve honestly just been looking at the screen considering if I want to waste two hours on what has become one of the stupidest shows on television. We’re talking “Heroes” levels of stupidity. I’m probably over it.

Pittsburgh —So many weird things in this picture of Jordan Staal:

1) Who is Monster?

2) Where did the euphamism “Shoot a cookie in the oven” come from? How have I never heard it?

3) Look how excited that guy on the bottom left is.

4) Seriously who takes the time to draw a stupid-ass sign like that?

San Jose —They’re letting Claude Lemieux play some AHL games for the Sharks’ affiliate in Worcester. That should be a shitshow. I’d love to see some career AHL goon beat the living piss out of his 43-year-old ass. I hate Claude Lemieux and pretty much everyone from those Avs teams. So fuck him and fuck them.

St. Louis — Nobody got injured today. So that’s a step in the right direction.

Tampa Bay — I think the Bolts’ new third jerseys might be the worst in the league. Can’t think of a worse one anyway. I just thought it was funny that they debuted them against New Jersey.

Toronto — Apparently Kyle Wellwood wasn’t the only fat Maple Leaf.

When asked, Leafs head coach Ron Wilson stated he doesn’t believe it is a serious injury but is unsympathetic to Colaiacovo’s history of injuries, saying he brings it upon himself.

“The big thing with Carlo, and I tell him every day, you’re not in very good shape and that’s your fault. And it leads to all the other issues you had in the past,” said Wilson.

Ron Wilson was meant to coach in Toronto, but I don’t know how long they’ll put up with this kind of awesome stuff up there.

Vancouver — Luongo hurt his groin. Short of Jarome Iginla breaking every bone in his body in an accidental Evel Knievel-type stunt in which he also catches on fire mid-flight and lands in a volcano, I can’t think of a single injury that is more damaging to a team’s postseason chances.

Washington — As much as I love Alex Ovechkin, he needs to work on his comebacks.

“Tell him to get a bigger chain,” Nabokov said, seemingly unimpressed with Ovechkin’s choice of gold jewelry. “If we beat them tonight, tell him I’ll buy him a new chain.”

Ovechkin’s response when told of the offer:

“Tell him to buy for himself.”

Yeah, good one, Ovie. Perhaps you could also inform Evgeni that you know what he is, and then enquire as to what he felt you were, or perhaps inform him that you are comprised mainly of rubber and he primarily of glue and therefore whatever insults he hurls your way will inevitably bounce off of you and stick to him thanks largely to your aforementioned body compositions.

Play of the Weekend

Shitty goal by Nick Foligno (his second in as many games), but the celebration sells it.

“YES I scored! Woooooo! Yeah, I know it blew but whatever dude.”

Gold Star Award

Dainius Zubrus had a Texas hat trick for the Devils today. He tripled his season’s goal output doing it. That’s awesome. Especially considering it’s Dainius Zubrus. To be fair, though, it should only count for three goals since he did it against the Lightning.

Next week’s game I’m totally going to watch on Center Ice if I’m home

Chicago at San Jose, 10:30 p.m. on Wednesday night. Tell me that won’t be an entertaining game.

Event that should replace the shootout and would be just as relevant to hockey skill

Hot dog eating contest. Insert your Kyle Wellwood/Keith Tkachuk/Carlo Colaiacovo jokes in this space.

Soccer update only I care about

Liverpool drew an uninspiring Fulham side nil-nil at Anfield, which is a poor, poor result. However, the Reds can take solace in the fact that Manchester United also played to a goalless draw with Aston Villa (albeit at Villa Park) and Newcastle also got a scoreless result with Chelsea at Stamford Bridge. Plus Arsenal lost to City 3-nil so that’s hilarious.

Also, my beloved UMass Lowell men’s soccer team lost a tough one in double overtime to Dowling College in the NCAA Division 2 Elite Eight. I believe it was the farthest the team had ever gotten. A great season from the lads nonetheless, but they deserved a better result from the type of match they played.

College hockey update only I care about

Lowell pounded the shit out of Providence College, 6-1, in a game that actually made me feel bad for PC. It was that bad. The next night, they lost a tight one to No. 6 Northeastern, 4-3. That was disappointing but not undeserved.

The No. 1 DVD I own and kind of want to watch this week but likely will not

The director’s cut of JFK.

I watch JFK the night before Thanksgiving every year because the first time I did it was Nov. 22, the anniversary of Kennedy gettin’ the ol’ once-over at Dealey Plaza. Instead of sticking with the actual date, the night before a day off seemed the most prudent time to watch a movie that’s pushing four hours.

BONUS DVD: I will also watch The Last Waltz on Thanksgiving night. Also a tradition with me.

An update on last week’s “No. 1 DVD I own and kind of want to watch this week but likely will not“

I did not watch Gettysburg. Who has the time?

Perfect HFBoards trade proposal of the week

In lieu of an actual trade proposal, I instead present to you an ingenius architectural proposal from “Kesler Kills Kommies:”

Dubai are having their own ski resort in the middle east now, this is crazy consider of the location. They have used chemicals to keep the snow from turning to water. This kind of inspire me an idea. Do you think someone will build a ski resort under sea?

There’s even an MSPaint diagram of the proposed structure. I shit you not.

Signoff in a language that’s not English

Ik ben eruit!

This entry was posted on Monday, November 24th, 2008 at 4:29 am and is filed under What We Learned. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.