The Two-Line Pass

Because I tend to not blog on the weekends, here is a feature that will run through the entire season. It aims to recap the weekend’s events and boils those events down to one admittedly superficial fact about each team that played. And hell, there’s a ton of other crap for me to blather on about too. And yes, I’m totally ripping off just about every other blogger ever’s weekly column, but that’s something you’ll have to deal with on your own time.

Danger: This post contains language that some people might not like. This will be the only thing on the site that regularly does so.

I understand that in the NHL there’s a certain amount of politics and that the league will always screw up even the freest lunch, but Jesus tapdancing Christ, who does Tim Thomas have to kill to get some respect?

How the rockheads at NHL HQ left Thomas, an injury replacement at the All-Star Game last year who as of Sunday night was leading the NHL in both save percentage and was second in goals-against average by .01, off the ballot for the All-Star game is not only an insult to Thomas as one of the league’s better goalies, but also to fans of the sport.

What this ostensibly says is that the NHL doesn’t believe Tim Thomas is one of the 10 best goalies in the Eastern Conference.

Are you FUCKING kidding me?

Admittedly, I was never a big Tim Thomas guy. Didn’t think he was all that good as a starter. I had him pegged as a great backup that couldn’t really carry the water for your team unless disaster struck as it did for the Bruins in 2005-06, when he posted respectable marks of 2.77/.917 when Andrew Raycroft began his great flameout and Hannu Toivonen got hurt. He was a very good stopgap and played well enough to almost cost the Bruins a lottery pick. In 2006-07 he more or less confirmed my suspicions with 3.13/.905 marks.

But then last year, he goes on a goddamn tear and finishes fourth among eligible goalies in save percentage (.03 back of league leader Dan Ellis) and fifth in the high-scoring Eastern Conference in goals-against behind Martin Brodeur, Henrik Lundqvist, Cristobal Huet and Marc-Andre Fleury. Maybe the NHL suits missed the playoff series with the Candiens, too, where Thomas was regularly the best player on the ice for Boston and dragged the Bruins, who hadn’t beaten the Habs in something like 453 regular-season games, to Game 7 kicking and screaming. Before he gave up a five-spot in the Bruins’ elimination game, he had allowed four, three (in OT), one, one (in OT), one, and four despite a so-so defense in front of him.

By what measure does this not qualify him for consideration for 10th fucking place among Eastern Conference goaltenders? Do they really think he’s in the same category as Martin Gerber, Jose Theodore, Mike Smith and Cam Ward? All due respect to Killa Cam, who also probably should’ve at least gotten a nomination as well, but Tim Thomas is better than you beyond a shadow of a doubt.

Let’s look at who was nominated and see if we can figure this out, eh?

Martin Biron — To quote Kanye West, “Dawg, are you fuckin’ kiddin’?” Line from last year of 2.59/.915, both of which are worse than Thomas’ totals. Okay, he helped (note: “helped” does not equal “carried”) the Flyers to the Eastern Conference Finals last year, but that regular season wasn’t too good. This year? Eesh. A line of 3.57/.878. Eight-seventy-shiteating-eight. The only explanation for his inclusion over Thomas is that someone mistook him for the next guy on the list.

Martin Brodeur — Best goalie ever. Exempt from questioning, even if anyone who votes for him this year is a fucking Jersey mook shitbag.

Rick DiPietro — Hmm, 2.82/.902 last year. Both appreciably worse than Thomas. Both pretty fucking subpar, actually. And what’s he played this year? Three games. With a line of 3.91/.883?

You’re ‘avin’ a laugh.

Marc-Andre Fleury — Penguins suck, but he should be on the list.

Kari Lehtonen — They must have been thinking of Jere Lehtinen. 2.90/.916 last year is slightly above average I’d assume, but a 3.44/.903 stinks as badly as the Thrashers. I am unsure as to whether or not he’d be able to pencil in an All-Star game appearance should he get voted in. He may have an important groin injury that day. Also he likes Final Fantasy and is therefore a loser.

Henrik Lundqvist — Ol’ Gimpy Knees should be here and probably starting now that Brodeur’s on vacation until mid-February. No question.

Ryan Miller — Sure, he’s played very well this year and wasn’t terrible last year. He’s not better than Thomas, but what the hell? Put him on the list.

Carey Price — Absolutely he should be here.

Vesa Toskala — Average goalie, big market. I get the inclusion even if I don’t necessarily agree with it. He’s no Tim Thomas.

Tomas Vokoun — Very good goalie on a very bad team in a very shitty market. He grudgingly makes the cut.

So cross like three of those guys off the list completely. Big fucking shock that all five of the Atlantic’s starters made the cut even if two of them couldn’t get a glove on one of Tim Thomas’ shits and another one is going to be injured for the next 100 days or so.

The NHL made a big deal out of the fact that it will have full transparency in its All-Star voting. About time on that front, for sure. But how about some transparency in how the league picks these clowns? Honestly, some of these picks are mind-boggling. Thomas isn’t the only embarrassing snub, but he’s certainly the most egregious.

Thomas, ever eager to not make a thing out of anything in his career good or bad, had this to say to WEEI.com’s Joe Haggerty: “I know that everybody wants to know [my reaction]. But I can only control what I can control and do the best I can to help this team out. Other than that, I’m not going to comment. … I think I’ve been underestimated quite a few times and I think it just feeds the fire to keep getting better, you know. You don’t want to totally look at it as always proving people wrong, but that seems to be what it boils down to.”

The underlying implication there is Thomas is pissed as shit to be standing behind Rick DiPietro in line but realizes that bitching will get him nowhere. That’s where the fans come in, with my hope being that they can shove it right down the NHL’s throat. Whether or not you’re a Bruins fan (I admit that I consider myself half), I think we can all agree that this is, on a bullshit level of 1-10, a 46. Hub Hockey has started a Facebook campaign to vote Thomas in (they’re also sitting on www.voteforthomas.com) and we think it’s the best thing for everyone involved to go vote for Thomas as often as humanly possible. Without Brodeur, can you think of three more deserving candidates in the East this year?

Voting starts Wednesday, so let’s get Thomas written in and up to the top as soon as humanly possible.

And besides, who wouldn’t want this fucking guy hanging around for the Skills Competition?

p.s. If it’s because Thomas looks like Joe the Plumber, I understand completely.

vs.  

What We Learned

Anaheim: I really really hope Brian Burke is enough of a prick to first sign Mats Sundin to some awful contract and then jump ship to Toronto or Boston or Chicago or somewhere where he can finally line up with the rest of the civilized hockey world and say, “Good, fuck Anaheim.”

Atlanta: How the hell has this awful team won four in a row? Oh, two of them were against Florida and the Islanders. That makes me feel better about my dismay when I saw the headline this afternoon.

Boston: Y’know, this is one of the best fucking hockey teams in the Eastern Conference. For real. Good at everything. I can’t wait for them to get home ice in the first round and watch all the ambivalent, ignorant dickbags on talk radio around here start babbling about the Bruins again like they have a fucking clue who anyone on the team is. It happened when the B’s won the East in 2003-04 with Sergei Gonchar and Michael Nylander, and it happened on a smaller scale last year. It would be hysterical if it weren’t so appallingly disingenuous. The Celtics won a championship last year and the town went understandably bonkers, but at least I’m not a hypocrite. I still couldn’t have given a fuck less.

Buffalo: You ever think about this? Spam, at some point in the last five years or so, became the word for “e-mail about dick pills and dethroned Nigerian princes.” I wonder what the manufacturers of the world’s finest canned meat think of this. Good? Bad? Indifferent?

Calgary: Oh fuck me I hate road trips.

Carolina: Top of the division! Who saw that coming? Ohhhh Washington has two games in hand and Ovie’s rounding into form? That’s a problem then isn’t it?

Chicago: What a fun hockey team to watch. But fuck them for beating Calgary.

Colorado: The latest rumor is that they want to trade for Jaroslav Halak. Because trading for guys that couldn’t get time in Montreal has worked out for them so well in the past, I guess.

Columbus: Still perhaps the who-gives-a-shittest team in the NHL.

Dallas: Marty Turco? Used to be that he was the best regular-season goaltender in the NHL. Just unbelievable what’s happened.

How awful is that, eh? That’s Marc-Andre Fleury at the 2004 World Juniors-bad.

Detroit: Man just last week we were saying how badly the Wings were playing and somehow they’re still 7-1-2 in their last 10 and six points out of first in the West with three games in hand and the conference-leading Sharks having played in four more home games. This team is going to run away with the Presidents’ Trophy.

Edmonton: That power play is getting awful scary for opponents, just like most of us figured. No one wants to take a penalty against them any more. Problem for Edmonton is, their goaltending’s scarier. Interesting note: The Oil has only had three home games so far this year, the fewest of any team in the league.

Florida: David Booth had his first career hat trick tonight. Kinda wish I didn’t pass on him as a late-round pick in my fantasy draft like the fucking complete dolt I am.

Los Angeles: (This note blatantly stolen from Puck Daddy) Some Kings blogger is bitching about his team’s representative in The Fourth Period’s hockey-fans-in-bikinis calendar to benefit Hockey Fights Cancer. Apparently she is not hot enough for one Matt Murray, who’s the multiple-chinned guy on the left side of the page with the facepaint. Hey Matt, do her a favor and let her down gently, alright?

Minnesota: Since when is Goalie Nicklas Backstrom 30 years old? Did I miss the memo on this?

Montreal: Tom Kostopulous suddenly turned into a gigantic piece of shit.

Nashville: Man I could go for a hot dog right now. A hot dog would be just about perfect here at 3 a.m. on a Monday.

New Jersey: Brian Gionta and Bryce Salvador got hurt in today’s game against the Oilers. Sometimes when people say things like, “The Islanders are an AHL team,” they mean it derisively. But the Devils are an actual AHL team plus Patrik Elias. It’s frightening. But hey, think of all the money Lou’s gonna have saved up against the cap at the deadline. They can trade for SEVEN Sundins!

New York Islanders: So today Eklund made some zany fucking post about how he really does just make up all his stupid bullshit.

I have been working the past week on my upcoming blog (slated for tomorrow) that will reveal the list of players that I feel are most likely to get moved. The formula I am using is based on factors including: Their current team’s payoff (sic) aspirations, the player’s current contract status next season, the cap space available on key bubble teams, etc…

Good to know.

New York Rangers: Overrated and overperforming. That sound you hear is half the conference breathing down your neck. And the Rangers looking for a compensatory pick to replace Cherepanov is just in mortifyingly bad taste. Wait until the body is cold at least, you heartless pricks. Seriously, that’s as repulsive a thing as your organization could do right now, considering the draft is in the middle of June and the circumstances are a bit extenuating.

Ottawa: Looking up at Toronto. That’s gotta hurt just a little bit.

Philadelphia: Did they really just get Matt Carle for Steves Eminger and Downey? Does that strike anyone else as a steal? I mean I understand this was a cap room thing for the Bolts, but not even a high pick thrown in?

Phoenix: Olli Jokinen’s NHL.com mugshot: It’s like he’s looking into your soul!

Pittsburgh: Dude I dunno what to make of this team. On the one hand, CROSBY/MALKIN! On the other hand, the rest of the Penguins.

St. Louis: Hahahaha Ben Bishop is getting time with an NHL team. Oh man. That’s hilarious.

San Jose: So apparently the name “Barack” is suddenly a popular name for babies. Not surprising, I guess. So odds are pretty good we’re going to see a Barack Hussein Obama Anderson suiting up for the Predators or something at the 2026 NHL Entry Draft in Honolulu? That’d be weird. I’m still holding out for the first kid named Bort to get drafted.

Tampa Bay: ESPN hasn’t updated its NHL power rankings since Oct. 23, which is ironically the last time Tampa Bay did anything of note. But this delay over at the Worldwide Leader has irritated hockey fans talking of revolución!

Toronto: Bacon Yada! This is one of those things on the internet that is awesome and funny but if you look at it objectively it is neither of those things and is, in fact, the opposite. I love it so.

Vancouver: Roberto Luongo has won three straight games by shutout. Good thing, too. The Canucks have scored four goals in those games combined.

Washington: Olie Kolzig’s back in Warshington on Monday night for the first time since they unceremoniously told him not to let the door hit him in the ass on the way out of town.

Other stuff I picked up on

I seriously only watched like three NHL games this weekend and I didn’t pick up on shit. … I am, however, glad to see Chuck Kobasew back healthy and playing well. Goal and an assist in his return to the Bruins lineup. Chuckles is a hell of a nice guy. … That stupid Zack and Miri Make a Porno movie was just awful. I should have known. Not that Seth Rogen, Elizabeth Banks and Craig Robinson weren’t very good in it, but what an abortion that third act was. … I’d much rather see Role Models. Maybe I’ll go tomorrow. NOT LIKE I HAVE ANY BLOGGING TO DO *commits suicide* … My buddy Mike started his own NHL blog which is sure to be weirder than mine but not as awesome. The URL, www.mikenhl.com, is very imaginative. …Big shocker here, but I agree with Kevin Paul Dupont on something. One of my simple joys in life is reading his Hockey Notes after I watch Meet the Press on a Sunday morning. Rarely is there a better start to a day around these parts than on Sundays, and KPD’s work should be an inspiration and guide for all young hockey writers like myself.

Play of the Weekend

Not from the NHL, but poor Jeff Szwez.

Gold star award

Gotta give it to Luongo I guess, huh? Go buy a Fathead in his honor!

Ed. note: If you actually have a Roberto Luongo Fathead in your office, you are a douchebag and will deservedly get fired.

Political talk

Beat it, McCain. We got a Funky President!

Next week’s game I’m totally going to watch on Center Ice if I’m home

Pittsburgh. Detroit. Tuesday. 7 p.m. Versus. Rematch. Be there.

Event that should replace the shootout and would be just as relevant to hockey skill

Home run derby.

Soccer update only I care about

Liverpool got two goals from Robbie Keane (his first in the Premiership) and a third oh-so-pretty one from Alvaro Arbeloa as they beat West Bromwich Albion 3-0. After a loss to Tottenham last weekend and a midweek Champions League draw with Atletico Madrid, this was a necessary result. The win also saw the return of Fernando Torres, who while not great in his late appearance as a substitute, was a sight for sore eyes nonetheless.

College hockey update only I care about

I don’t even want to talk about this weekend. Fucking BU and Vermont. Both games were depressing as shit for entirely different reasons. Combine that with a pair of Flames losses and I spent most of my weekend on the verge of tears.

The No. 1 DVD I own and kind of want to watch this week but likely will not

Superbad. Whenever I watch Knocked Up, as I did last night, Superbad is sure to follow within a few days. The question is, do I add the wonderful Forgetting Sarah Marshall to the rotation at some point? “You gotta stop talking about it. It’s like The Sopranos. It’s over. Find a new show.”

An update on last week’s “No. 1 DVD I own and kind of want to watch this week but likely will not“

Election? Nah, didn’t bother. The real one seemed of slightly greater import.

Perfect HFBoards trade proposal of the week

From user “mattystajan” who I hope is actually Matt Stajan:

To Toronto:
Joe Thornton
Kyle Mclaren

To San Jose:
Carlo Colaiacovo
Alex Steen
Thomas Kaberle
1 (top 10 protected) in 09

That’s a big 10-4 good buddy.

Signoff in a language that’s not English

This entry was posted on Monday, November 10th, 2008 at 5:21 am and is filed under What We Learned. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.