The Two-Line Pass

Because I tend to not blog on the weekends, here is a feature that will run through the entire season. It aims to recap the weekend’s events and boils those events down to one admittedly superficial fact about each team that played. And hell, there’s a ton of other crap for me to blather on about too. And yes, I’m totally ripping off just about every other blogger ever’s weekly column, but that’s something you’ll have to deal with on your own time.

Ron Wilson’s head is seriously going to melt by the end of December.

The first question he fielded about Saturday night’s 6-1 slaughter at the hands of the Montreal Canadiens was, “Where does that one fall between ‘learning experience’ and ‘embarrassment?’” If you could have looked inside Wilson’s head at that moment (a la Homer Simpson in the earlier seasons of the show’s run), and seen a visualisation of what he was thinking, it would have been Ron Wilson stabbing the reporter to death with a medium-sized pair of scissors and using his blood as war paint to discourage any further questions along those lines. It also would have been set to Lipps Inc.’s 1980 hit “Funkytown.”

“Um, no,” was his politer response. “We came out and had we scored on those coupla great chances that we had, I think I’ve seen enough of the team now to know that we need to feel good about ourselves in the first half of the game.”

He also, in a roundabout way, called the Leafs, “a bad team.” Oh the columns in the Sun and Globe and Mail are gonna be yukfests by mid-November if he keeps this up. And even with the team looking like it did against Detroit on Thursday, Ron Wilson’s just going to snap. The next question he straight talked over the reporter in midsentence. He did more of that later, throwing out phrases like, “No idea,” and “We’ll see,” instead of actually answering questions.

The best (or at least most dickish) answer, though, came when a reporter asked how he would adjust the lineup for Monday’s game. Said Wilson after a sufficiently long contempt-conveying pause, “I guess what I’ll do is pull names from a hat. That’s usually what I do. (pauses for the one guy who laughed to stop when he realized it wasn’t meant to be funny) There is a process after you’ve coached in the league for 16 or 17 years. You think about it and you make a change. Simple.”

After that, he was asked about his defense’s ability to adjust to the NHL speed, an obvious reference to Luke Schenn and Jonas Frogren who were drowning on the PK against the Canadiens’ potent puck-moving. That’s when Wilson decided to get condescending and basically call the reporter stupid, saying that it was the 10-year veterans that needed to adjust to the speed of the NHL. Then he said the veterans want to blame the kids for a night like this. Turning the team against eachother two games into the season? Brilliant strategy.

This was a master class in how not to deal with a semi-hostile media. Beat reporters don’t take too kindly to condescension anywhere, least of all Toronto. If a player or coach thinks a question is dumb, making the reporter feel as though they’re dumb for asking it is not the way to win them over. This is a team that’s going to be tough to watch for Leafs fans all year, and Wilson going out of his way to be an ass to an already unforgiving media is only going to drum up additional calls for his removal post haste.

What Wilson should actually be doing is buying everyone in the press corps candy and taking them out for bike rides. This tactic is just stupid.

What we learned

Montreal (1 game, 2 points): Games are going to look easy against Toronto all year, but the Habs were as advertised. That Tanguay line is ridiculous.

Toronto (1 game, 0 points): They need to get as many kids to their junior teams as soon as they can. Start with Luke Schenn. You don’t want to expose them to a season like this.

Detroit (1 game, 2 points): Maybe they’re not as strong as we thought. It was a decent win over the Sens, but Ottawa controlled a good portion of that game. Even Babcock said there was no real passion until the third period.

Ottawa (1 game, 0 points): They need scoring from the top line every night, and Alfie’s two-week absence isn’t going to help them get off to their usual hot start.

St. Louis (1 game, 0 points): The Blues have no goaltending to speak of. None. And unless they get spotted a few more power plays a night, they’re an awful beatable team.

New York Islanders (1 game, 2 points): Goalscoring? From the Isles? What madness is this?

New York Rangers (1 game, 2 points): I’m just going to keep repeating that they’re a subpar team until someone proves me right. The Flyers almost did it with that comeback bid.

Philadelphia (1 game, 0 points): Giving up four goals in the first period will lose you a lot of hockey games. I realize the defense is thin, but it’s the Rangers’ offense. Come on.

Chicago (1 game, 0 points): Speaking of no goaltending…

Washington (1 game, 2 points): Imagine what this team’s going to do when it gets into the bulk of its Southeast schedule. It’s gonna be a goal glut for Ovie and Greenie.

Atlanta (1 game, 1 point): Sucks.

Florida (1 game, 1 point): Sucks slightly less, and now the Panthers are without McCabe for two weeks. Soon they’ll have to pay people to come to games.

Pittsburgh (1 game, 1 point): Holy tapdancing Jesus, this defense BLOWS without Whitney and Gonchar. Fleury was the only thing that saved them from a 43-(-2) loss.

New Jersey (1 game, 2 points): Forty-something shots and two goals, one of which came in OT. Devils hockey: catch the excitement!

Carolina (1 game, 2 points): It’s not easy to win games you’re down 3-0 more than halfway through. Good goddamn thing they played Tampa.

Tampa Bay (1 game, 1 point): If there’s an argument to be made against the Loser Point, this team is it.

Dallas (1 game, 0 points): The Stars are 0-1-1 to start the season. *furiously amends post in containing prediction the Stars would be No. 2 in the West*

Nashville (1 game, 2 points): Dan Ellis redeems himself nicely against a much better team. That’s consistency!

Boston (1 game, 0 points): Christ do they have to do something about Manny Fernandez. He was just awful. Thomas or nobody rest of the way, I’m thinking.

Minnesota (1 game, 2 points): Two-goal nights from Eric Belanger are rarer than Haley’s Comet crashing into a blue moon. Enjoy this one, because that’s about the end of it.

Columbus (1 game, 0 points): Five goals one night, one the next. Par for the course this year, I’m afraid.

Phoenix (2 games, 4 points): Holy hell the kids are fuh real!

Los Angeles (2 games, 0 points): There’s like a 1:1 chance they get a top-2 pick.

San Jose (2 games, 4 points): Yeah, against L.A. Hell, Joe Pavelski scored. How hard can it be?

Vancouver (1 game, 2 points): To give you an idea of how bad the Flames played them, Rick Rypien has two goals on two shots. Rick Rypien. Rick. Rypien. The fact that they let it get to OT is embarrassing.

Calgary (1 game, 1 point): Miikka Kiprusoff needs to get his crap together yesterday. “Slow starter” or not, this team’s finished if he turns in any more performances like that. Also, Jarome Iginla has no points through two games. Button, button, who’s got the panic button?

Anaheim (1 game, 0 points): George Parros is tied for the team lead in goals. Wrap your head around that.

Colorado (1 game, 0 points): Hey, they couldn’t hold a lead if you gave them one with a velcro handle. Two games in a row, they’ve given up late go-ahead goals.

Edmonton (1 game, 2 points): Tried their best to give that one away with the late penalty shot for Hejduk, but the Avs were having none of it.

Stupid garbage for stupid babies

Miscellaneous things I picked up on: That new Hockey Night in Canada theme? Better than expected. Not that it’s worth $100,000 or that it should stick around, but all things considered, it could have been much, much worse. Hockey fans lucked out there … Speaking of HNIC, I was hoping that the Mike Milbury/Kelly Hrudy late-night combo wouldn’t stick after the opening weekend. No such luck. They were still there, yapping on and on about somesuch. For fans of the late game on HNIC, it’s gonna be a long-ass season. … I wish I could find a screenshot of the photoshopped picture they put up on After Hours for Dion Phaneuf. That was a pisser … For those of you who had Week 1 in the “First time Don Cherry goes on an pro-Ontario/anti-European rant” pool, you win. Congrats. (Skip ahead to 6:30 for the start of the DOSE GUYS! speech) … What the hell is wrong with Miikka Kiprusoff? An .807 save percentage and 5.32 goals-against? Come on Mikey, get it together. … Vesa Toskala was the best Leaf on the ice on Saturday, and he gave up six goals. Long season ahead in TO. … The Pacifc is going to be a weird division this year. … Toldja so on that Sedin-Sedin-Bernier line; 11 combined points in two games, and Daniel leads the league with five. … The Devils are averaging 39 shots a night and two goals. Somehow they are still undefeated. That Marty Brodeur, he’s pretty good. … Yeah, the guy from Def Leppard put the Stanley Cup upside down. Give him a break, he’s British and he calls trucks “lorries” and french fries “chips.” What a wacky country. But if we really want to get back at them, let’s send Five for Fighting over to the UK and turn the FA Cup upside down. That’ll show those limey pricks. … The Rangers started the season 4-0. Having a one-line team works ALL the time! … How ’bout them Hurricanes? Came back from a 3-0 deficit on Saturday to win 4-3 in OT and put 46 shots on net. Granted, it was against Tampa, but still. … Real shady ending in that Oil game on Sunday. Real shady. … Jay Bouwmeester logged 34-plus minutes of ice time on Saturday. They’re going to try to kill that kid. If Florida can’t have him, no one can.

Play of the Weekend: No wondergoals or spectacular saves this weekend, so what the hell? I’ll give it to the Philly fans again. They earned it.

Gold star award: Alex Tanguay’s on pace to score 328 points. Hell of a way to start the season.

You remember…?: When people thought that Barry Melrose thing might be a good idea? Well they’ve allowed 42 shots against per game. He’ll be gone in 20 games.

Here’s something that’s really grinding my gears: People wonder why Todd Bertuzzi doesn’t play with the edge he used to. Check out the penalty he got at the end of regulation on Saturday. Headed to the corner on a loose puck, started to check Ryan Johnson, pulled up when he saw nothing but numbers and missed. What happens? Johnson makes an epic dive, and Bertuzzi gets whistled for hitting from behind.

That’s why Bertuzzi doesn’t play hard any more. B.S. reputation calls.

Something I thought of just now: It just occurred to me that I watched Hockey Night in Canada on the NHL Network last night instead of Center Ice. Being a U.S. resident, this is the only way to watch HNIC for the rest of the year. That sucks for some people. The NHL Network is available in like 75 million homes in the US, but only a fraction of that actually receive it. On my Comcast plan, it’s buried at channel 259, and if I hadn’t stumbled upon it one day, I wouldn’t have seen it at all. The other problem with this is that I don’t get cool Canadian commercials, I get the lame NHL Network ones. Weak.

Next week’s game I’m totally going to watch on Center Ice if I’m home: Boston at Montreal, Wednesday night at 7 p.m. on NESN, TSN and RDS. I love Original 6 rivalry games, and this series is always the best of them. Plus, Boston will actually believe it can beat the Habs this year, which should be a nice change of pace.

Event that should replace the shootout and would be just as relevant to hockey skill: Simpsons trivia with the oldest player from each team.

This week’s best random reference to It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Greenman shows up at a Devs game.

Soccer update only I care about: The U.S. rolled over Cuba 6-1 in Washington, D.C. on Saturday and restored my faith in both capitalism and DaMarcus Beasley. My friend Mike was there and I was jealous. Plus Jozy Altidore scored a goal and Jose Fancisco Torres came in as a sub. Hands off, Mexico.

The No. 1 DVD I own and kind of want to watch this week but likely will not: Fargo. My favorite Coen Brothers movie, with all due apologies to No Country for Old Men. It’s got hockey references and everything. Plus watching that movie’s the kind of thing we like to take care of. Right here. In Brainerd.

An update on last week’s “No. 1 DVD I own and kind of want to watch this week but likely will not“: I did not watch The Outsiders, but I did tell someone that there was to be no jazz before the rumble. “You know the rules, apeface.”

Perfect HFBoards trade proposal of the week:From “NYRhockey16″ comes this beaut.

Minnesota gets:
-Manny Fernandez
-Phil Kessel
-2nd 09

Boston gets:
-Marian Gaborik

I have a feeling that this a bad trade for Minny, but what if it is a deadline deal? Something would be better than nothing.

I say we go for it!

Signoff in a language other than English: Au revoir (that’s for my Quebecois friends)

This entry was posted on Monday, October 13th, 2008 at 3:09 am and is filed under What We Learned. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.