The Two-Line Pass

We’re now something like 48 days out from the start of the NHL season so I figure this is as good a time as any to start doing the season previews. This is mainly for two reasons: 1) I am lazy and there’s no way I’ll do one of these every day, and 2) This is early enough that if I just stop doing them entirely you’ll have forgotten by October anyway. Oh and I guess also to show off my near-infinite knowledge of the National Hockey League. I’ll be previewing the teams in reverse order of finish in the 2007-08 season. Please note, though, that this is the opinion of one man, however smart and handsome he may be.

Los Angeles Kings, you’re on the clock.

These guys are good. The rest.. ehhhhhh.

It’s been a tough few years to be a Kings fan.

The team hasn’t made the playoffs since 2002, but unlike the Penguins, whose success has been built upon years of lucky ping pong ball bounces and on-ice ineptitude, has usually finished high enough to get draft picks outside the top 5. Never mind the bad free agent signings (HOW much for a 37-year-old Rob Blake?) and years without a passable goaltending situation (Garon, Burke, Cloutier, LaBarbera, Cechmanek, etc.), the team has been stuck between rebuilding and trying to win for the last several years. At least, I hope so for their sake.

But that’s different now. The GM Dean Lombardi has probably gambled his job on new coach Terry Murray, who has to make Los Angeles actually care about hockey again the way the Ducks almost did when they won the Cup if the team is going to compete.

Not this year. The Kings are going to be an awful, awful team in 2008-09. Like, real bad. The team finished second-to-last in the NHL last season and got worse. A truly great quartet of forwards in Anze Kopitar, Dustin Brown, Alex Frolov and Patrick O’Sullivan return for the Kings, but they’ve also lost sure-thing 30-goal guy Mike Cammaleri.

Not that offense was ever the problem for L.A. to begin with. The problem is, and has always been, defense and goaltending. So when Blake and Lubomir Visnovsky, the two biggest minutes-eaters on defense, left by free agency and trade, respectively, things got appreciably worse. Offensive defenseman Jack Johnson, he of the 11-point, minus-19 2007-08 campaign, and Tom Preissing, who is actually good, is now the No. 1 pairing in L.A. Preissing, though, has only averaged 20 minutes in a season once in his four-year career.

However, they are buttressed by such blueline luminaries as Matt Greene (career 0.09 points per game and minus-31), Denis Gauthier (four points and a minus-11 in 43 games and no playoff appearances with Philly last year), and Peter Harrold (a veteran of 37 NHL games). That’s it. Five NHL defensemen on the roster. And yes, the Kings are way, way below the cap floor so they’ll have to sign someone, but the list of remaining free agent defensemen is, uh, slim. Big Joey DiPenta, maybe? Marek Malik could be yours for the right price. One supposes that the biggest blueline question centers around whether or not 2007 pick Thomas Hickey or 2008 pick Drew Doughty (both as yet unsigned) are ready. If both are, the Kings might not have too big of a problem keeping the puck out of the n…

Oh wait, the goalie situation. Right. Jason LaBarbera is the No. 1 guy right now (by default more than anything else, like merit), with three rookies vying for the backup role that will likely be won by 26-year-old Erik Ersberg. Ersberg was outstanding in his few games last year, posting 2.48/.927 in 15 games, in which the Kings went 6-5-3. But whether or not he’s ready to play 40, 50, or even 60 games (with those numbers, he’s certainly deserving) remains to be seen. The Kings also have promising 20-year-old QMJHLer Jonathan Bernier who was not-so-good in four games for L.A. last year, and Jon Quick, a UMass product who was impressive in Manchester.

Still, there are too many questions, especially on the blue line, to really give this team any sort of credit this year.

More after the jump.

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This kid is gonna be an enforcer some day

I don’t know who funds things like this, but a recent study at Brock University in St. Catherine’s, Ontario found that NHL players with “fat heads” spend more time in the penalty box than their pin-headed counterparts.

Results of the study published Wednesday in the prestigious Proceedings of the Royal Society, concluded of the six Canadian-based NHL teams, the faces of the Ottawa Senators are dead giveaways when it comes to predicting how much time players spend in the penalty box.

“We’re not saying that Ottawa is more aggressive than any other team. But each individual player’s face predicts how much time he had in the box,” said Brock University neuroscience researcher Justin Carre.

Carre first measured students at the University while playing video games, and found that those with wider heads were more aggressive than other students. So the next natural step was to compare the width of players’ heads from their NHL profile photos to a players’ penalty minutes per game. Again, this was an actual study by an accredited university.

Of the 18 Senators, Carre looked at defenceman Mike Commodore, who has since left the Senators, with a facial ratio of about 1.6 and only about a minute per game in the penalty box, was at the low end of the scale.

Right-winger Chris Neil, with a facial ratio of almost 2.4 and about three minutes per game in the box, was at the opposite end.

The Flames, a big-gourded team if there ever was one, somehow had the least “correlation” between noodle size and penalty minutes per game. This does, however, explain Tie Domi.

The article goes on to state that a spokesman for the Senators was “at a loss” when told of the study.

Apparently goalies were not studied in this, but the lack of a real melon on Patrick Roy’s kid throws this whole thing out, doesn’t it?

We’re now something like 50 days out from the start of the NHL season so I figure this is as good a time as any to start doing the season previews. This is mainly for two reasons: 1) I am lazy and there’s no way I’ll do one of these every day, and 2) This is early enough that if I just stop doing them entirely you’ll have forgotten by October anyway. Oh and I guess also to show off my near-infinite knowledge of the National Hockey League. I’ll be previewing the teams in reverse order of finish in the 2007-08 season. Please note, though, that this is the opinion of one man, however smart and handsome he may be.

Tampa Bay Lightning, you’re on the clock.

This happened FOUR years ago!

It’s a rare thing indeed to see so much upheaval for a team in a single offseason. New owners, new GM, new coach, completely new second line, new contract for the franchise player, and a new rookie sensation. It’s an exciting time to be a Bolts fan, right?

Well, not so fast. Because one thing that hasn’t been improved is the team defense and goaltending, at least not appreciably, or for the present. Trading Dan Boyle, a very good do-it-all defenseman may have yielded a pair of promising blueliners in Matt Carle and Ty Wishart, but neither is ready to be Dan Boyle on Oct. 5. Not even close. The goaltending situation isn’t much better, as obviously-bad Marc Denis has been replaced by obviously-aging Olaf Kolzig, who, at 38, is ancient even by NHL goalie standards. He was the oldest goalie in the league to start more than 50 games and fourth-oldest overall.

Kolzig, like every one of the Bolts’ goalies last year, posted a save percentage under .900 and a GAA around 3 (Mike Smith was 2.46/.906 in Dallas but those numbers dropped to 2.79/.893 in Tampa). Kolzig also had the luxury of playing behind a Washington blue line that allowed 36 fewer goals than did Tampa last year.

The offense, though admittedly upgraded from last year, is still pretty mediocre. Its 223 goals was tied for 17th in the entire league last season, with offensive powerhouse Minnesota (yes, really). All but one team that scored fewer than the Bolts (the lowly Atlanta Thrashers) actually allowed more goals. Some of the “promising” new additions are a trio of Penguins in Ryan Malone (27 goals with Evgeni Malkin sliding him the puck), Adam Hall (2) and The NHL’s Oldest Man, 42-year-old Gary Roberts (3).

Then there’s obviously Steven Stamkos, the big-time rookie who will likely center the second line. Yeah he was picked first overall, and yeah he’s very good, but he won’t make the impact the Lightning need him to make to get to the postseason in his rookie year. It’s very rare that anyone’s that good. Sid Crosby and Alex Ovechkin couldn’t do it, and even though Stamkos has the benefit of having Vinny Lecavalier on his team, that’s still not enough.

More after the jump.

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In the lead-up to the new NHL season, more and more of the logos from the NHL’s new line of third jerseys are starting to leak to the public in dribs and drabs.

A few weeks ago, we saw the new third jersey concepts for the Bruins, Coyotes, Thrashers, Sabres, Penguins, Sharks, Lightning and Leafs and today, we get black and white drawings of the Senators’ (maybe) and Kings’ new logos.

They both stink.

The Sens’ is just their regular ol’ Senator, slightly meaner looking, and now they’ve added a cape, possibly because they’d like to capitalize on this Batman craze that’s going around right now.

The Kings’ though? Yeesh.

Not good, guys. Why is the font vaguely Japanese? It looks like someone just saw it on the front of an Akira Kurosawa DVD box set and said, “Yes, this is the font for us.”

I don’t know why teams seem to miss the whole concept that simpler is better.

"If I can't see it, maybe my culpability can't see me!"

In one of those stories that’s becoming more and more like a Kennedy assasination-type conspiracy theory, Marc Crawford has now claimed in court that he did not, in fact, order Todd Bertuzzi to go out and pummel Steve Moore.

Great. Just what every party involved needed was for this to go on longer.

“Just prior to the attack on Moore, Bertuzzi had been on a shift to kill a penalty, had missed the shift change and had remained on the ice for longer than the rest of his line,” states Crawford’s third-party defence.

“After being directed to get off the ice, Bertuzzi was on his way back to the bench when, suddenly and without warning, he turned around and skated back in the direction of Moore . and attacked Moore.

“This was not done under any specific or general direction or encouragement from Crawford, was a direct disobedience of the instruction that Bertuzzi had been given from the bench to get off the ice, and was a violation of Bertuzzi’s duties which Crawford could not be expected to have reasonably anticipated, let alone control.”

This also contradicts the previous reports that Crawford asked someone in the Canucks dressing room to make Moore pay for an earlier hit on captain Markus Naslund.

Obviously Bertuzzi and Bertuzzi alone is ultimately responsible for the attack on Moore, but this, “Who, me?” attitude from Crawford is just stupid. We know Moore was targeted by the Canucks. Ask Brad May about the Reg Dunlop-like bounty. So many people have said that he called for the heads of individual players and that he wanted to send a message that it’s tough to swallow, more than four years after the fact, that he didn’t.

As a friend of mine just said, this Bertuzzi non-story is distracting us from the Sundin non-story. It’s all a consequence of this being Aug. 19. You wouldn’t hear a word about this if it were Jan. 19.

If 2k just put THIS game out, I'd be first in line.

Man, I can’t wait for NHL09. I’ve been an EA guys for years despite the bizarreness of some of the game’s quirks.

But every year, a dark thought creeps into my head. “Maybe I should pick up the 2k NHL game and see how that is.”

I did it once. Back in 2004 when Martin St. Louis was on the cover, I purchased NHL 2k5 for my XBox because, hey, it was only $20 that year. Big mistake. The game was buggy (players would literally start to float around after some goals), the graphics were poor (everyone looked like a zombie), the announcing was terrible (Kristian Huselius’ last name was infamously, and presciently, pronounced “Useless”). The only real plus was that you could unlock the old Whalers jerseys.

But with how popular and glowing the early reviews of EA Sports’ offering were this year, I decided to swing by Gametrailers.com and see how 2k would counter this.

I watched this video and almost cried.

Look at the herky jerky way guys are skating around in warm-ups. And hear that song? I recognized it from somewhere, but was unsure of the exact place I originally heard it. Then it hit me. A quick Googling showed me it’s Pennywise’s “Knocked Down,” and it was in NHL 06. Seriously. I have to think 2k could have found a song, ANY song, that wasn’t in its competitor’s product years earlier.

The players seem to skate in their own little worlds and don’t react to eachother until another skater breaks his five-foot radius, and every animation is way too sped-up. When Sid Crosby rips that first shot as Osgood, time how quickly the puck leaves his stick, hits Osgood in the chest, falls to the ice, and is covered before the whistle. Less than two seconds, by my count.

The goalie animations also look exactly the same from the last time I played this game four years ago, and a goalie friend of mine commented that Marc-Andre Fleury’s push-off on one of his saves doesn’t even work physically. Also, the animation for the faceoffs is exactly the same every single time.

And that wrap-around goal Crosby scores? Puck never goes in the net, but his stick goes through the side of it. That’s like Spielberg allowing a boom mic to drop into frame during the trailer to his next movie. Good work, 2k Sports.

And the players STILL look like freakin’ zombies.
IMPORTANT UPDATE: EA Sports has just released this video of NHL09’s Be a Player mode. Yeah, if 2k9 sells three copies next year, I’ll be shocked.

"Ehhh, what's up unresolvable international labor conflict?"

Under a shroud of great secrecy, Gary Bettman met with KHL czar (see what I did there?) Alexander Medvedev to discuss a possible resolution to this whole “a-KHL-team-signed-Alexander-Radulov-while-he-was-still-under-contract-with-an-NHL-team-and-ain’t-that-a-bitch” situation. Try and guess how squared away the situation is now.

“I would say it’s fair to say that no progress was made on the Radulov situation,’’ Daly said.

Sounds about right.

Of course, back in Mother Russia, Radulov is trumpeting the pro-Russian cause with a gun at his back.

“(The) NHL for 15 years brought young players from Europe, first and foremost from Russia,’’ Radulov said, according to russianprospects.com. “I think that it is time to end this. Simply put: time to stop robbing us!’’

I understand how good Radulov is and I understand what a bad precedent this is to set, but neither side is going to budge on this, so let’s just call the assembled lawyer-armies off.

“He was under contract with us,” the NHL goons will shout.

“Yeah but we didn’t have a transfer agreement,” the KHL suits will counter.

And on and on.

The only chance Bettman has to counter this is a duck season/rabbit season-type Bugs Bunny switcheroo. This plan could also involve Bettman dressing up as “Gabriella Bettman” and seducing Medvedev into shooting himself in the face with a shotgun in such a way that the lower half of his face will be on the wrong side of his head.

Gaborik's new linemate

Has it really come to this?

Doug Risebrough and assistant GM Tom Lynn had to go to Slovakia and tell Marian Gaborik, the team’s only real offensive star, that they’re really, really not as bad as they seem. Really, they’re trying hard and everything!

The Wild gave Gaborik specifics on everything it tried to do, especially this summer and at the deadline. Gaborik knows the Wild went after Marian Hossa because he was involved in the recruitment. The Wild wanted guys like Kristian Huselius and Brendan Morrison, but they chose to go elsewhere. After that it was an under-supplied market.

Risebrough told Gaborik that the Wild went hard after a center at the deadline, especially Olli Jokinen, and I’ve since found out, Mats Sundin. The Wild thought it was going to land Peter Forsberg, and when he chose Colorado, it thought it had Jokinen. But at the last second, Florida decided not to trade him, and like at the Draft in June, the Wild wasn’t going to give up Mikko Koivu or James Sheppard to get him.

All this, of course, ignores the fact that many teams TRIED to get these players, and all but one per player failed. Gaborik, for all his prodigious talents, is still almost a Robinson Crusoe figure, stranded on an island of Minnesota’s offensive malaise.

What’s that you say, Mr. Risebrough? There are lots of fancy charts and graphs (possibly in pie format) that demonstrate Gaborik getting a ton of help so he doesn’t have to blow out his groin again carrying the entire team’s offensive load? Interesting.

But at last week’s dinner, Risebrough and Lynn showed Gaborik that, since the lockout, he’s fourth in the NHL in goals per game (behind Alex Ovechin, Ilya Kovalchuk and Dany Heatley), first in even-strength goals per minute played and tied for second in goals per 60 minutes played (behind Ovechkin).

Minnesota Wild 2008 offseason forward transactions:

Out: Brian Rolston (31 goals), Mark Parrish (16), Pavol Demitra (15).

Those are the three non-Gaborik highest-scoring forwards on the Wild last season, and yes, the team’s goal totals went 42, 31, 16, 15, 13 (that last one was the retained Eric Belanger. Eric Belanger is their second-highest returning forward scorer. Eric. Belanger).

In: Andrew Brunette (19), Owen Nolan (16), Antii Miettinen (15).

Replacing 62 goals from forwards with 50 is somehow acceptable in Risebroughland, where up is down and Eric Belanger is a viable second-line option.

I thought this was interesting too:

The Wild apparently gave Gaborik an inside-look at its future plans, and the fact owner Craig Leipold is more than willing to bring in players in future years of Gaborik’s potential contract. And a big part of the meeting was an attempt to sell Gaborik that he has a chance to grow with Koivu, Sheppard, Brent Burns, P-M Bouchard, Nick Schultz, Colton Gillies, etc.

Okay, but if the perception is that Minnesota is not an organization that is conducive to scoring (and Gaborik being the only player in team history to actually break a point-a-game pace bears that out), then why the hell would any legitimate high-scoring free agent, Gaborik included, want to play in Minnesota?

Yes, Gaborik, who will almost certainly play out the final year of his contract, can score in Minnesota with no help, and that’s great, but he can score even more elsewhere with it. He doesn’t play in a bubble in St. Paul, but he’s about as close as anyone in the league.

Purpose pitch.

Chad LaRose is never afraid to throw chin music to anyone.

In Durham, North Carolina last night to throw out the first pitch at the Triple A Durham Bulls game, LaRose struggled with his location early.

LaRose’s toss was a little high, sailed over the catcher and hit a young musician, standing near the backstop, in the small of the back.

“I just threw it a little high and the catcher never tried to catch it,” LaRose said.

LaRose was devastated. He only meant to brush her back, and he gets kind of panicky when there are ducks on the pond.

The little girl was fine and hung out with LaRose for part of the game.

“She came up to the seats and got pictures with me and everything,” LaRose said. “I was the one more hurt by it than her, I think. … Everyone’s fine except for me. I’m traumatized by the whole situation.”

Kid just doesn’t have the mental makeup to hack it in the Bigs.

DON'T DO THIS ANY MORE

Granted, this will be another sloppily translated story stolen from a Russian newspaper, but stick with me.

Chris Simon landed in Russia yesterday to train for his season with Vityaz Checkov in the Kontinental Hockey League, and gave an interview with Sport Express (click for moon language). Most of the answers were what you’d expect, but Simon seems unclear on what his role will be.

(Note: All very roughly translated because I am bad with the Ruskie talk.)

Russian hockey lovers you perceive primarily as a credible fighter. How are you going to play?

That is the understanding in Checkov, but I am waiting to see the quality of the game and the leadership qualities (I can give). I came to play hockey and I want to help the team by using my skills the best I can. If I have to fight, no problem, but the game comes first.

If you start to regularly score goals, many will be surprised…

But it will be a good surprise, right?

Uhh, Chris, buddy? Yeah I hate to be the one that has to break it to you, but fighting’s not really a big thing in Europe. Apart from Krzsztof Oliwa, name one European that is or was a true enforcer. I’ll wait.

..

….

…….

Okay. So please, let’s understand together, Chris, that the name of the game over there is stickwork, and it’s accepted. I wouldn’t recommend hauling off and pummelling the first guy that slashes you on the shin unless you want to end up in some Siberian gulag. That’s just how they roll over there.

Simon said he’s drawn the “right lessons” from his past, err, many indiscretions. Let’s just hope there’s not another one.